Dreading hosting my parents for pesach :(

#BestBubby

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 12:06 am

DH should be supportive of you, not critical.

This is very challenging.

amother

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 12:07 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Don't let them ruin your Yom Tov.

They criticize you?

Tell yourself they are mentally ill and you don't
Get offended by what crazy people say.

Go away chol Hamoed without them.

Ignore them as much as possible and focus on

Dh and your kids.

Sorry, it is very hard.

Thank you.
Yes that is what I’m going to try to do but it’s still very hard having them in my face and in my house for so long.
And yes they actually are mentally (and physically) ill.

giftedmom

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 12:10 am

amother OP wrote:

I can’t dump them 10 days before yom tov. There’s no way I can tell them they can’t come. They Will literally be stuck in a chometzdik house with no food

Yes you can
But also would you rather not have their house cleaned to a basic standard and deliver food to them?

#BestBubby

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 12:15 am

OP, when yr parents criticize and you don't answer back

That is great opportunity to davven for yeshuos.

You have tremendous zechus and power.

Also, take breaks from parents - stay in your room
A few hours if possible.

Or go out to playground with kids.

groisamomma

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 12:21 am

Start planning now for a way to get out of it next year. And then keep repeating in your head "this is the last time" over and over every time they act like themselves.

(OT but you can tell from the advice people give whether they have normal parents or not. I love it when spouses and other people that grew up in paradise have gems to share about kibbid av v'aim.🙄)

amother

Holly

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 1:01 am

amother OP wrote:

My dh says the same.
And sometimes I do lose it with them and I’m chutzpahdik and criticize them right back and then dh reminds me of kibud av va’aim 🤦‍♀️

OP, did you ever ask a shaila? Or did you just assume that you should be having them?

Because sometimes the psak you're given is not what you might expect.

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 1:05 am

Op it’s so hard! I’m not hosting them this year bh, but when I do my blood pressure goes through the roof!
Lots of luck and come vent here !

DrMom

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 1:27 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you.
Yes that is what I’m going to try to do but it’s still very hard having them in my face and in my house for so long.
And yes they actually are mentally (and physically) ill.

What do they do the rest of the year? Do they have a caretaker? Is there some way this service can be extended through Pesach?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 1:41 am

I can so relate. When my parents came for Shabbos, my Mother criticizes just about everything I prepare, then she starts on the kids, nothing is good enough for her. If we respond, she says we have problems. When I lost weight she tells me I will gain it again. She tells me I am not raising my children properly. Its so unpleasant and makes me insecure. Not to mention what it does to my children (her grandchildren). My Father just stays quiet which I take as acquiescence. Hes just glad that my Mother is eating into someone else. The worst part is that my husband has picked up her criticizing me and then we argue, so he tells me I am just like her. I review my words and actions and dont see it. I go to great lengths to be complimentary, to judge favorably, to be patient, not to point out mistakes etc. We even went to a counselor who told him that he was not being helpful. THen my Mother decided to stop talking to me again blaming me for not being nice enough to her. That was the best present.

amother

Azure

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 2:32 am

Is it an option to ask your local Bikur Cholim / hachnasas Orchim for a nearby apartment so your patents at least don't stay in your house 24/7?

amother

Teal

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 2:46 am

I can relate to al of you, the whole year I stress dreading that my mother will come. She's not coming this year (yes she complained that I didn't invite her) but last year I had NO choice because I was making a Simcha very close to Pesach and because I live far away when she comes it's for at least 3 weeks! It detracts so much from the time I have with my kids who fly in for Yom Tov. She's also always starving because she only likes one specific pastry so we often need stop at 3 bakeries to get it and only specific flavored yogurt. And when it's not Yom Tov I really need to be at work and then she is soooo bored. She'll also say nasty things about some of my kids and then she has the ones she likes my older ones have no interest in her shenanigans and hence her dislike.. She criticizes me alot how everything is so dirty bla bla bla. Last year I arranged for her to stay at a neighbor but she threw a fit and I had no choice. I had to give my newly married child a tiny room. It was so complicated.

amother

Apple

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 3:29 am

I'm so sorry OP Crying

Just remember, you DO Have a choice to have them or not. I learned this from Margo Helman, who has a short self-help course called "Calm Conflict."

Think about why you are choosing to have them.

It might be because you don't want people trash-talking you about what a bad daughter you are, or because you feel like you want to do the right thing, or "family first," or whatever reason you have — but get in touch with that reason and decide if it outweighs the stressful/miserable week you're going to have.

If it doesn't, then find another way to help them while keeping them away from you. Like if you can get them a cleaning service and send them food, like Gifted Mom suggested above.

If it does, then make that into your mantra for the whole week.

And if you decide to have them, prepare now. Get YOURSELF good reading material or something else you can enjoy in your own room, and escape there when it gets too hard. Discuss with your husband now about what you need from him to keep you sane. Cut down on the work if possible, with more cleaning help, simpler meals, etc. so you feel calmer.

Also, depending on how old your kids are, they will pick up on your tension, so if they are old enough to understand, you might want to discuss with them that you know it's going to be hard, but you're doing a big mitzvah and it's important to keep the joy of Pesach in the house even if saba and savta seem to be sucking all of it. You can even brainstorm with them ways to rise above it — for example, you can come up with a certain fun song you all like, that someone can start singing whenever one of your parents starts up with anyone in the family.

If you're in chu"l it's really hard this year with 3 days of chag, so make sure to prepare yourself for all of it.

P.S. Just to let you know where I'm coming from: my parents are B"H a pleasure to host, but my mom's parents were very difficult people. As a little kid I was oblivious, but as I got older and they got older, the tension was very obvious.

But my siblings and I managed to forge nice relationships with my grandparents, each at our own level and what we could handle. When my grandma died 2 years ago, I told my mother that I'm so grateful to her for hosting her parents all the time, even though it was hard for her, because the good memories I have of them are so, so special to me.

(And I also wish my mom would have taken the time to really examine her reasons for hosting her parents, instead of being a martyr about it.)

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 7:03 am

Op I so relate. It’s really really hard and no one around you understands because everyone has family to be with. It’s a terrible feeling and I get you completely

amother

Wine

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 8:08 am

Hashem Yaazor wrote:

I think I’m on here as long as you, probably close to 2 decades and I’m so sorry to hear this because I ‘know’ you as such a kind, thought out, amazing mother. Please take this genuine hug from me.
[This is a new poster, not HashemYaazor that you're thinking of. - mod]

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 8:11 am

Am I the only one that says you can cancel on them?

I feel like it's still early enough

I would maybe also gift them some cleaning help/food or whatever but yes, I say you can

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 8:13 am

amother Wine wrote:

I second this!

[Different poster! - mod]

imaima

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 9:56 am

amother OP wrote:

You pretty much described my parents.
Except mine can’t cook or clean so if I don’t invite them they will be stuck in a house full of chometz.
Oh and everyone will wonder what kind of terrible daughter they have who doesn’t invite them.

Well it’s on them not on you
What does your husband say?

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 7:50 pm

What goes around, comes around. Your children will be modeling their future behavior towards you based on how you treat your parents now. So if you don’t want to sit alone at a Seder table with your husband when you’re a Bubbe and Zayde ( iy”h in good health), you know what you have to do.

amother

Holly

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 8:13 pm

amother Periwinkle wrote:

Right, but you're forgetting something.

She is modeling different behavior toward her children than what her parents modeled toward her.

hesha

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 8:41 pm

Can you take an overnight chol hamoed trip to get a break from them for 48 hours ?Leave them in your house with food and go stay at a motel somewhere near nice hikes or national parks? Or amusement park if you can afford