Would you keep a high school girl home to babysit?

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 8:55 am

amother Camellia wrote:

Helping out around the house is an appropriate job for a teen. Taking off to care for kids is really the responsibility of a parent. It's appropriate to keep the roles separate. It doesn't make your kids self-centered not to treat them as a third parent when you need.

Helping mom take care of the kids once in a while when mom is in a bind, is appropriate and not the kid doing the job of a parent. It's not called being a 3rd parent. It's called lending a hand and doing chessed when needed.

mikayla18

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 8:57 am

My mother never had us stay home to watch the younger kids, we were children not adults and that wasn't our job. I would also not have my children stay home to do my job (if it could be avoided at all) I wouldn't minimize it and say "it's not the end of the world to miss a day of school" I mean, it's not but don't minimize the fact that you're not showing your children that an education isn't important, because it IS. You're downplaying the whole situation and it's not the fact that she's taking off a day of school, it's that she's taking off school to help you with a "mommy job" instead of a "daughter job" so maybe that's something to think about also.
Had you not come here and asked, I think sending my kid to school an hour late to help with something ONE time, not "once or twice a year plus 3 times a year" would've been fine.

amother

Camellia

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 8:59 am

amother OP wrote:

My relatives all live hours away from us, so they can't help. I don't know anyone I can hire to babysit at 7:25 in the morning. The high school girls leave to school by then, and the mothers are busy getting their own kids ready for school. Babysitters usually start working at 9.

Maybe have your teens get the kids ready before they leave, and bring them to a neighbor's house until they get picked up.

Maybe a relative who lives farther away can come for a longer visit if it's not feasible to be in and out quickly? I have had family plan trips around when we needed help with kids.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:02 am

The thing is, as you have said, there are already days she misses school for her own personal reasons - like your niece's wedding (not sure why she missed two full days for that, BTW) and before Pesach. I imagine she sometimes has appointments that are unavoidable (I just took my hs DD out of school for the morning for dental work - ended up taking long and being the whole Hebrew off. And before Pesach, it was the Eye Doctor and a contact lense fitting.....there's always something.)

So they end up missing a decent amount of class time for their own needs. And now you are adding your needs to her needs, and that adds up to quite alot. (and her not being a strong student does not mean that she doesn't benefit from being in the classroom. Regardless of her test scores.)

Is it impossible to schedule your son's OOT interview for a bit later, so you could leave after the other children are in school already? Could your husband pitch in for the morning? I'd explore both of these options before taking my child out of school for this.

amother

Camellia

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:04 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

In my case, DH leaves at 5:30 AM and can't just take off. I don't think it's that big of a deal for a high schooler to stay home to help once in a while. School is not the most important thing on the planet.

I've had times where my husband had a similar schedule, and I understand the hardships. But there's no such thing as a job where you can never take off. It's not always easy, but especially if it is planned in advance it is doable.

Sunny Days

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:04 am

amother Camellia wrote:

Why would you rather inconvenience family to drive in a couple of hours (if even an option for op. Maybe they’re all a plane ride away?) or inconvenience neighbors to host kids early early morning when everyone is dealing with their own hecticness? Or bother friends to have little kids sleeping over when your own teen can step in?
No, rather hire another (non existent/non available teen/sitter).

Really now.
The high schooler will figure out how to catch up on her work and meanwhile mommy can calmly take sibling for interview, knowing kids are in good hands.

amother

SandyBrown

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:05 am

I don’t see the issue. As long as the girl is ok with doing it and she gets the choice.
I went late and came home early for 2 months in high school because a sibling of mine had preschool children and was on bed rest. All other related adults were working and couldn’t take off. So yes that became my new job to take care of my nephews.
Many years later now and I don’t think it affected me at all. If anything it taught me that you always have to help when needed even if it’s not convenient.

Eta: connect this to the Asifa thread. Maybe girls need to be told helping family is more important than other things and staying home to help will teach them to also put their husband before friends.

amother

Chestnut

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:09 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

Exactly
I left early most days of the week in HS to take a child with SN to therapy.
I was glad to skip class I didn’t enjoy so much... I still did well in school bh.

I was the class envy lol

Oh, btw, wasn’t just a chesed kid from the school roster. it was my sibling. Does that make it bad now?

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:10 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

I don’t see the issue. As long as the girl is ok with doing it and she gets the choice.

Do you apply this concept to other areas in a teen's life? Do they get to make all choices about their chinuch, or are they still at an age where they benefit from adult guidance?

Because I don't give my teens such free reign when it comes to making choices about going to school or not.

At this age, it's their job to be a student, not take over adult jobs and responsibilities. And while your helping your relative on bedrest is admirable, my personal opinion is that that was not your responsibility as a teen, and I would not guide my teen in that direction. That is an adult job. And you had a teen "job" that was taken away from you.

(my teen helps her aunt with kids after school hours. Not during school hours.)

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:14 am

OP, try to change the time of interview. You need to find solutions to your logistical problems.
Where is your DH in this?
Send your daughter with a taxi to school after babysitter has arrived.
There's no reason why she should stay at home a full day. No reason.

amother

SandyBrown

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:15 am

Chayalle wrote:

I don’t give them the choice of everything.
Here I meant it as in if it doesn’t bother her to miss school. If it bothers her I wouldn’t have her do it.
And my belief is that school is here to keep girls busy and off the streets.
(That’s what Bais yaakov was started for)
But helping and doing the actual mitzvah that they are learning about come first!

amother

Moonstone

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:16 am

Sure! I have one child that requires dr appts by a certain dr in Manhattan and many many times dh has meetings at 730 am already so my hs girls will put the kids on the bus and be home to take them off. For those days I Uber them to school so they just miss davening and the last few periods. As long as the hs girls are thriving and not missing anything too major I don’t think it’s an issue.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:17 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

How much did you miss in school on and average? An hour each day? Two hours?

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:20 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Being late and leaving early for 2 months as someone stated there is IMHO being them 3rd parent.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:21 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

It sure wouldn't bother my teen to miss school. She would be happy to sleep in, read, and even help me around the house. She wouldn't be on the streets. And yet, I pay tuition and she goes to school every day.

I don't view BY as started to keep girls off the streets. I see it as geared toward educating our daughters, imbuing them with Torah and Yiraas Shomayim, Hashkafa, etc...and preparing them for their future as mothers in Klal Yisrael. As such, my teen belongs in the classroom as much as possible.

Yes, we also teach our children to do mitzvos at the appropriate time. We don't eat matza on Succos or shake a lulav on Pesach. And now, as a teen, she belongs in the classroom, and adults make decisions about childcare. BEH she will have many years being an adult with children in her future (and BEH she will have learned to prioritize her childrens chinuch and put in effort to make it work, and perform HER responsibilities, not have them do it for her). Now is not the time.

amother

Whitesmoke

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:22 am

I would do everything in my power to avoid keeping any child home from school for any reason other than illness on that child's part. Education is paramount during childhood and I wouldn't want to do anything to give the impression that it isn't. As Chayalle said, it's their job to be a student. In an extreme emergency, defined as mom is being loaded into an ambulance on a gurney, dad is OOT or incapacitated, and there are NO neighbors or relatives nearby--then yes. Otherwise I would exhaust every other possibility including shlepping the younger child/ren with me wherever I was going.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:25 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

Sorry but school isn't a service to keep girls off the streets or keep them busy. It's education for heaven's sake!