Would you keep a high school girl home to babysit?

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:25 am

amother Camellia wrote:

I've had times where my husband had a similar schedule, and I understand the hardships. But there's no such thing as a job where you can never take off. It's not always easy, but especially if it is planned in advance it is doable.

He uses up all his off days over yom tov. He can take off, but not in the morning. When he does take off besides for yom tov, he has to go in for the morning. So no, it's not always doable for everyone and there's nothing wrong with teen staying home when mom is in a bind once in a while.

NechaMom

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:27 am

amother OP wrote:

I have two dds in high school. One of them is very studious and doesn't want to miss class. The other is spacey and doesn't do so much school work. She is happy to stay home whenever I need her help, but she doesn't try to stay home for no reason. She is not a behavior problem, and she gets notes from other girls and does so so on most tests.

I think in general it is okay to keep a girl home to help once or twice a year if they want to stay home. But now I have to take one of my kids out of town for a day for a high school interview. I need someone to get my little kids off to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. I could probably find someone to take them after school, but my high school girls leave to school at 7:25. I can't imagine who would watch the little ones until 9, when the last one starts school.

I would just keep dd home that day, but she took off 2 days last week for my nieces wedding, and she also missed a day right before Pesach because I was in the hospital with one of my kids. Would you keep her home again? Is it wrong to do that?

I would ask DD if she’s fine with it.
If she has an important test that day or anything else she’d rather not miss I’d try to find alternate plans. But if it’s just a random day and she’s okay with it I’d have her stay home.
Teens are taught so much about chesed. Chesed begins at home. She’s not taking over the parent’s responsibility by chipping in once a year when you have an oot appointment.

amother

Camellia

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:29 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

I don’t give them the choice of everything.
Here I meant it as in if it doesn’t bother her to miss school. If it bothers her I wouldn’t have her do it.
And my belief is that school is here to keep girls busy and off the streets.
(That’s what Bais yaakov was started for)
But helping and doing the actual mitzvah that they are learning about come first!

I think that is a very sad way to view the worth of your daughters.

amother

Azalea

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:31 am

OP said that her daughter is the type who would rather stay home if there's a reason... So this is obviously not a bother to her and not making her the 3rd parent.
For those who said father should do it. In my opinion, it's easier for a teenager to miss a day of school than for a parent to miss a day of work and not get paid for that day... Even if it's for a few hours. It's really not that simple for most jobs.
She will make up her work. The world won't end if she misses (another) day of school. Some people miss a lot more than that and they're fine.
I don't think people realize how hard it is to find someone to help at 7:25am.
I was in a similar situation where I leave the house at 7am and DH is not available either... BH my father is available but if not for that, who in the world is available at that hour.

Obviously if she can get a ride later that's ideal. But I really Don't understand why people are so against it.

keym

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:31 am

I would do a compromise.

My daughter has to leave at 7:25 to make her bus, but first period doesn't start until 9:10.
I would keep her home (and have her daven at home), get the kids ready. And take an Uber or car service in time for class.

At the same time I would arrange that the kids go to neighbors at 8:30 or 8:45 (which is away more civilized time) and go to busses, playgroups, carpools from the neighbors.

At the same time, id be more cognizant of how much time she actually does miss (personal also)

amother

Camellia

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:43 am

NechaMom wrote:

This is already the second time in a month. It sounds like a lot more than one a year. I agree that once a year is not a problem but I would seriously look at other options rather than making my teen the default. I still don't understand why the husband is not involved in the picture. If a child is in the hospital why are there no other adults stepping in? Husband, family, friends, neighbor? I don't think everything should fall on a teenager in that situation.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 9:51 am

NechaMom wrote:

I get the feeling that it ends up being more than once a year. She already did this for OP in March/April (before Pesach). I wonder what September thru February really looked like. And this on top of personal days she needed off for herself (like cousin's wedding. Has she been to the dentist this year?)

Trust me though, lots of teens would be fine with it. That doesn't mean it's the right parental decision to make.

amother

SandyBrown

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 10:17 am

amother Camellia wrote:

I think that is a very sad way to view the worth of your daughters.

I don’t think this has to do with how I value my daughter at all. I just don’t see missing a day here or there as an issue. (Yes even if it’s a bunch of days a year in total)
And my dd has a BA so it’s not that I don’t value education. I just don’t see that so much gets missed in a day of school.

amother

Burntblack

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 10:22 am

Chayalle wrote:

I don’t think you get what it is to have a house full of little kids. My hs daughter is a straight 100 student. All the teachers love her and if I need her help then yes I keep her home. She is happy to do it and doesn’t feel overburdened at all. Usually I will send her late but the school also allows it if a parent is away even for vacation. You just need to call for permission. Is it really a big deal if she dsvens at home and comes for first period. Come on that’s not called being a third parent.

But I’m lucky because my younger girls go to the sister school that’s right next door so if I need o get permission and she takes the bus with her younger sisters so she’s in school by 9:15 maybe she misses 15 minutes of class.

Last time when I went out of town for ten days I got permission for her to come to school late every day and in the afternoons I didn’t need her help I worked it out she was so upset at me that I didn’t call the school and get her permission to leave early that she went to the principal herself and said my mother isn’t home can I leave at 4 every day.

I agree op should try to figure out how to get her to school late but having a house of little kids your teen daughter knows your routine and schedule and is the best one to keep the house calm and organized. My little kids would not welcome a strange babysitter. They would be crying for me the whole time. Keeping my daughter home keeps the house calm.

amother

SandyBrown

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 10:30 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

How much did you miss in school on and average? An hour each day? Two hours?

1 period in the morning and 2 in the afternoon.
I know everyone thinks it’s crazy, but of all people around I was the most flexible.
I made up the work and got my diploma…
And yes in todays days this family situation would have had all sorts of chessed help but that wasn’t around then so I did it bh with a smile. And I have no regrets!!!!

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 10:43 am

amother Burntblack wrote:

You are right, I don't get what it is to HAVE a house full of little kids (I'm pretty open about having had SIF and a small family) but I most definitely get what it is like to BE one of a house full of kids. I was that teen, 100 student, etc...I am one of the older ones in a family of 12 BAH. And I will firmly state that yes, it's a big deal. I have very few "nevers" but I firmly feel that a parent should make every effort to work it out some other way and let their teen be in school. On time. That it is a parental responsibility before becoming the teen's responsibility. Your teen is not responsible for keeping your house calm and organized. You are.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 10:55 am

While I would expect my older kids to be available to watch their younger siblings after school, etc. due to work/errands or in the evening if I have to go out to run an errand, etc., I would not keep them from school for a more routine reason. Obviously if cvs there were an emergency, that could be different. School is their job. That's how I was raised. Also, if I wouldn't keep a boy home, I wouldn't keep a girl home either.