Would you keep a high school girl home to babysit?

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 10:56 am

Chayalle wrote:

You are right, I don't get what it is to HAVE a house full of little kids (I'm pretty open about having had SIF and a small family) but I most definitely get what it is like to BE one of a house full of kids. I was that teen, 100 student, etc...I am one of the older ones in a family of 12 BAH. And I will firmly state that yes, it's a big deal. I have very few "nevers" but I firmly feel that a parent should make every effort to work it out some other way and let their teen be in school. On time. That it is a parental responsibility before becoming the teen's responsibility. Your teen is not responsible for keeping your house calm and organized. You are.

It looks different as a parent. The decision has to be made for the family as a whole. Perfect attendance in high school is not more important than the welfare of your younger children. When it's very temporary and there's no better choice.

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 10:57 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

While I would expect my older kids to be available to watch their younger siblings after school, etc. due to work/errands or in the evening if I have to go out to run an errand, etc., I would not keep them from school for a more routine reason. Obviously if cvs there were an emergency, that could be different. School is their job. That's how I was raised. Also, if I wouldn't keep a boy home, I wouldn't keep a girl home either.

A boy is actually a problem of bittul torah.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 10:59 am

amother Violet wrote:

Sorry, I disagree. A decision for the family as a whole has to also take the teenager into account. And I'm not talking about perfect attendance here, but in general, a high-school girl's attendance at school should not be jeopardized because of the welfare of her younger siblings. That is not her job. And as we see in this thread, the definition of "very temporary" has much liberty taken.

zaq

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:04 am

SandyBrown, you're misinformed. BY wasn't started to "keep girls busy and off the streets." It was started to keep them out of secular Polish schools as well as to save them from pr*stitution. Girls who wanted an education were attending Polish schools and going OTD. Girls who were UNEDUCATED and had no way of making a living were turning to the oldest profession.* Sarah Schenirer recognized the crisis and decided that it was necessary to provide religious schools for girls, not to keep them busy but to save their souls.

*It really isn't. The oldest professions are agriculture and shepherding.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:06 am

Chayalle wrote:

I wonder if you're saying this BECAUSE you're from a family of 12? If you had an ongoing medical emergency, would you have some of those relatives to fall back on? If yes, then I'd venture to guess you don't know what it means to need surgery, follow-up, deal with things going wrong, have other children needing specialist appointments a considerable drive away, and have no one to rely on but each other. You seem so firm in this viewpoint, that I wonder if you really know what it's like to have to cast a wider net around familial responsibilities. Well, if so, you're lucky!

amother

Camellia

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:14 am

amother Violet wrote:

It's not about perfect attendance. It's about the welfare of older children being placed way below the welfare of younger children.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:15 am

amother OP wrote:

My relatives all live hours away from us, so they can't help. I don't know anyone I can hire to babysit at 7:25 in the morning. The high school girls leave to school by then, and the mothers are busy getting their own kids ready for school. Babysitters usually start working at 9.

What about your children's father? I asked already as did other women.
I dont think irs fair to have a teen miss school to do something a parent should be doing. And to miss school? I feel like this shows your daughter how not important school is.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:16 am

A parent who keeps her daughter home at the drop of a hat (ie more than LITERALLY two times a year) is showing that daughter that really school doesn’t matter. It’s not that important.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:17 am

amother Floralwhite wrote:

But OP isn't talking about having surgery or a medical emergency now - she is talking about a high school interview for another child that she scheduled without a plan that doesn't involve taking her teen out of school (that teen already having recently missed school for a medical emergency).

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:22 am

zaq wrote:

This This This

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:29 am

Chayalle wrote:

Of course the decision must take the teenager into account. Weighing all factors, often the best decision is to keep the teen home.
This is a great time to pull out that old saying about not judging until you've been in those shoes.
Things look different when all of a sudden it's me wearing them.

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:29 am

Would you consider this if the teenager in question is a boy? I think not prioritizing the educational responsibilities is a terrible example for a high school student of either relations.

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:31 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

A parent who keeps her daughter home at the drop of a hat (ie more than LITERALLY two times a year) is showing that daughter that really school doesn’t matter. It’s not that important.

No. It's teaching the daughter that sometimes one has to make less than ideal decisions in life and still go along with it because it's the best temporary solution. Because life is not black and white and everything has to be weighed seriously.

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:34 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Would you consider this if the teenager in question is a boy? I think not prioritizing the educational responsibilities is a terrible example for a high school student of either relations.

I have kept my sons home as well, rarely. They actually have more leeway, because sitting 3 hours in a gemara class, they have less frontal learning, note taking, tests, etc. It's easier for them to make it up the next day with their chavrusahs.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:34 am

amother Violet wrote:

I think if a parent is finding themselves in a position where they are making the decision to pull teen from school on a regular basis (I would call that, more than 1-2 times per year), Daas Torah should be consulted.
Things look different sometimes when you get a broad perspective, rather than just your own POV and your own needs looming large.

I can quote some big Mechanchim who have contributed to my own perspective on this. It's not just my own opinion.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:36 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

1 period in the morning and 2 in the afternoon.
I know everyone thinks it’s crazy, but of all people around I was the most flexible.
I made up the work and got my diploma…
And yes in todays days this family situation would have had all sorts of chessed help but that wasn’t around then so I did it bh with a smile. And I have no regrets!!!!

I cannot wrap my head about it
One period in the morning and two in the afternoon for *two whole months*
Totally totally totally unacceptable IMHO
If this would have been in a school that wasn't paid for by your parents (a non- tuition school) YOU BET they wouldn't allow it.

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:37 am

amother Camellia wrote:

It's not about perfect attendance. It's about the welfare of older children being placed way below the welfare of younger children.

The welfare of the younger children and family unit counts into the welfare of the older children as well.
Again, as long as the older child is willing.

amother

Mocha

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:40 am

I don't know OP obviously but I just feel that I need to say something which hasn't been said. People keep asking her what about her husband, she responded about the situation but did not mention him even after having been asked. Obviously either her husband is not living or not in the picture. Could people please be sensitive and not keep bringing him up and potentially causing pain to OP?

amother

Camellia

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:40 am

All the mothers who regularly rely on teens to miss school and run the house in your absence, what did you do before you had teens? You made it works somehow, obviously. Obviously there are other options.

Phoebe31

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:41 am

I read this whole thread and it seems like you already made up your mind about it and think it's totally ok so I am not sure why you asked.

Since you asked, I will give my opinion, it is not ok to make your daughter miss an entire day of school because you planned something that infringes on her time. Her job currently is to go to school, not take off to watch the kids. A healthy compromise would be to have her get the kids off to school and then take an Uber so she missed just a bit of school. However, that's only ok if it's really once or twice a year which from your post it doesnt sound like it is unoften. Again, if it is once or twice and for a true emergency then I think it would be ok but not as often as it sounds like. It is not about having a house full of kids because it is not her job to take care of those kids, she never asked for them, you chose to have them therefore, it is your responsibility to figure out care for them. Why should she have to work double as hard to make up an entire day of school?