Would you keep a high school girl home to babysit?

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:43 am

Chayalle wrote:

I think if a parent is finding themselves in a position where they are making the decision to pull teen from school on a regular basis (I would call that, more than 1-2 times per year), Daas Torah should be consulted.
Things look different sometimes when you get a broad perspective, rather than just your own POV and your own needs looming large.

I can quote some big Mechanchim who have contributed to my own perspective on this. It's not just my own opinion.

I think that it is hard to see reality in another family's situation so the judgment call is not quite accurate.

Everybody should be consulting people wiser than ourselves for a broader perspective, sure. In most things in life.

amother

Camellia

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:44 am

amother Mocha wrote:

I don't know OP obviously but I just feel that I need to say something which hasn't been said. People keep asking her what about her husband, she responded about the situation but did not mention him even after having been asked. Obviously either her husband is not living or not in the picture. Could people please be sensitive and not keep bringing him up and potentially causing pain to OP?

I don't think it's obvious that it was her situation. Op could just respond that he's not in the picture and then it wouldn't be a question. But if she's a signle mom that also plays into the picture of how people respond.

notshanarishona

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:46 am

High school teacher here (and one who also grew up as part of a large family and had to miss school a lot).
Ask the school admin what the rules are.. you might be setting your daughter up for detention, lower grades, or other consequences.
Typically girls get x amount of absences excused and more than that there is a penalty barring extenuating circumstances

zaq

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:46 am

Sunny Days wrote:

The high schooler will figure out how to catch up on her work

And if she can't? If it creates difficulties for her and she falls behind? It sounds as if this mom is relying on her dd to hold down the fort on a more or less "on-call" basis, not drafting her once in a yovel in an extreme and unforeseen emergency.

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:49 am

amother Camellia wrote:

All the mothers who regularly rely on teens to miss school and run the house in your absence, what did you do before you had teens? You made it works somehow, obviously. Obviously there are other options.

Most people said rarely, in an emergency.
My teens are not regularly missing school and definitely not running my home.

But the easy answer to your question obviously is that as children grow up and as family size grows, there are more complex factors to take into account when making any decision for the family.
And things change as well. My mother watched my oldest toddlers when I went to the hospital to give birth. Now she's in a nursing home.
Some options disappear.

giftedmom

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:50 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Would you consider this if the teenager in question is a boy? I think not prioritizing the educational responsibilities is a terrible example for a high school student of either relations.

In a pinch I would. IF that boy was the oldest and most responsible one around. Which he isn’t so the point is moot.

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:52 am

zaq wrote:

If the teenager cannot make up the work, is doing poorly in school, missing out on a social life, getting detention or demerits, then of course this teen's school schedule cannot be disrupted, and keeping her/him home is not an option.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 11:56 am

amother Violet wrote:

And if a teen has a straight A+ record, but feels he/she is losing out in other ways by being kept home from school?
What if the teen struggles to make up the work, but doesn't care all that much? Is enabling that kind of attitude, on the parents behalf, the right approach to Chinuch? (I think that's a question for Daas Torah, BTW).
I think for me, though, the question goes deeper. Whether the teen should be considered an option for childcare when adults going to work are not.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 12:02 pm

amother Lightcoral wrote:

A boy is actually a problem of bittul torah.

But it’s family. Why would Torah come before the welfare of his family?

And he can learn Torah at home too.

Last edited by NotInNJMommy on Mon, Apr 24 2023, 1:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 12:02 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Everything has to be considered and weighed for sure. And still some things will take priority and precedence over other things. Maybe this time this thing is prioritized and next time another thing becomes priority.
Life isn't neatly sealed organized boxes. Important decisions are often messy but we have to make them anyway.

amother

SandyBrown

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 12:58 pm

I feel like secular values have seeped in so strongly into our world that we can’t see the difference anymore.
And even if the reason for starting Bais yaakov was to keep girls out of public school AND away from pros-titution (I did say off the streets already) I still don’t see why staying home here and there will cause any issues. Will helping at home make her do either of those??

I have teens and haven’t made them stay home to help because bh I haven’t needed to but I am talking from the vantage point of having done it for two months and still think it’s the right thing to do.

If a teen has a sibling wedding out of country that they fly to and miss school for 10 days will that also cause issues? Or because that is fun for themselves there is no issue of missing school?

I really don’t get the stressed attitude about this.

And to those who think missing school every day for 2 months is awful, I still graduated with a regents diploma..

amother

Calendula

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 1:30 pm

amother Violet wrote:

It looks different as a parent. The decision has to be made for the family as a whole. Perfect attendance in high school is not more important than the welfare of your younger children. When it's very temporary and there's no better choice.

You are being really nasty. I disagree with Chayalla here and still think her opinion holds lots of weight (as someone who grew up in a big family + lives amongst large families + raised a few teen girls). Using info you know about her family size to devalue her opinion is a dumb way to argue…

Personally I think theres a balance and nuance- if it happens more than 2/3 times a year it sounds a bit dysfunctional but up to that I believe is pretty common from what I hear in our school culture. My niece went late when I had to take in my daughter for surgery to watch my other child.

So in my mind it depends on the girl’s feelings, the school culture and the frequency. And I would definitely send her asap with an Uber, a whole missed day sounds excessive.

amother

Camellia

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 1:34 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

But it’s family. Why would Torah come before the welfare of his family?

And he can learn Torah at home too.

I'm with you. For girls, it's a big mitzvah, but for boys it's bittul torah? Doesn't make any sense to me.

amother

Calendula

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 1:39 pm

Chayalle wrote:

But OP isn't talking about having surgery or a medical emergency now - she is talking about a high school interview for another child that she scheduled without a plan that doesn't involve taking her teen out of school (that teen already having recently missed school for a medical emergency).

.

This I actually agree with. I wouldn’t be scheduling anything that can be done at another time for a time that a kid would have to take off school- I would reserve the teen taking off for times like surgery or the like when there is no option.

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 2:07 pm

amother Calendula wrote:

I'm not being nasty. I'm being realistic.

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 2:09 pm

amother Calendula wrote:

The world would be so very perfect if things could be scheduled exactly for when we are available.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 2:10 pm

amother Violet wrote:

No. It's teaching the daughter that sometimes one has to make less than ideal decisions in life and still go along with it because it's the best temporary solution. Because life is not black and white and everything has to be weighed seriously.

Correct. Which is why I said LITERALLY up to two times a year I’d consider it reasonable.