Strangers, please don't talk to kids!!

bigsis144

Fri, May 19 2023, 4:23 pm

Genius wrote:

What’s a frum stare? And why would op’s kids be more inclined to do it than say, any other kid?

The “frum stare” (I don’t think this is an official term, but this is definitely a phenomenon experienced by many) is when usually kids in a frum insular community stare at people who are visibly different (handicapped, not dressed like them, different ethnicity, etc.).

It’s a very specific blank yet intense stare, usually lasting much longer than what is socially acceptable, or done by kids/adults who are old enough to know better. It can feel very uncomfortable, judgmental or even hostile to be subjected to that stare when you are just going about your business.

I assume that’s what the amother was referring to. Amother is saying that OP is training her children to be scared of people who are visibly different, and this fear of strangers would lead them to be standoffish to harmless handicapped people because they are “different” and therefore potentially “bad”.

wife101

Fri, May 19 2023, 4:46 pm

Reading this thread, a few things came to mind
-If you teach your kids not to talk to strangers, why are you letting them knock on strangers doors to collect?
-Maybe a first year teacher should not talk to her students as she is still a stranger
-at what point do you become an unstranger?

amother

Mintgreen

Fri, May 19 2023, 5:04 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Yes. Thank you for explaining

amother

Fri, May 19 2023, 5:07 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

What is this supposed to mean?
And whatever the frum state means, my kids don't stare at SN children. They time with SN children every day. They're very good at treating SN kids properly bh, they're like regular kids to them.
So I don't know why you decided to attack me with that. It doesn't come in to this thread at all. That post was pretty rude.
SN children doesn't have anything to do with stranger adults talking to random kids.

amother

Slategray

Fri, May 19 2023, 5:12 pm

wife101 wrote:

Definitely don't send your kids to collect if you don't want them talking to strangers.

amother

Mintgreen

Fri, May 19 2023, 5:57 pm

Op I feel u are raising your children to be the antithesis of what we want to our children to strive to be…
We are all supposed to be there for each other.
Yes, talking and interacting with each other no matter what age is what makes us a community & when we need each other we can count on each other.
When I say we I mean klal Yisroel.
& when you put so many restrictions on interactions between adults and kids (I’m not even gonna mention the examples you wrote on this thread) it is incredibly sad
& the fact that you don’t see any of this, is even more sad

Some things just can’t be explained.
The reason for my head banging on the wall

amother

Fri, May 19 2023, 6:00 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

You are making a whole lot of assumptions, and I disagree with you. I don't put a whole bunch of restrictions on my kids, definitely not.
This is about adults, not about kids. Me not wanting random adults to strike up conversation with my kids, isn't putting so many restrictions on them. My kids interact with whom they're supposed to interact. I don't see reason for them to interact with a random passerby in the street. Just because someone is jewish, doesn't make them less of a stranger than a non jew. Of course we're all supposed to be there for each others, that doesn't mean that adults should talk and ask questions from random kids.

amother

Mintgreen

Fri, May 19 2023, 6:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Forget it.

Why can’t you see that a frum person , a frum adult should be able to ask a child a question in a Jewish store? It’s called being friendly.
You want us all to not be friendly to children?

You do. That’s my whole point.

amother

Fri, May 19 2023, 6:44 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Kids generally are not in stores alone. If they're with a parent, yeah be friendly.
But don't stop random kids on the street to chat with them or ask them personal questions.

amother

Fri, May 19 2023, 6:46 pm

funkymom2.0 wrote:

then why are you complaining that adults are talking to your child. If you care so deeply dont leave your child alone.
And saying it here is not changing anything.

A 10 year old can play outside alone, and adults should know not to approach kids to talk to them or ask questions. I trust my kids. I don't trust random adults.

Lydia

Sun, May 21 2023, 4:19 pm

funkymom2.0 wrote:

So tell me, what are you trying to get out of this thread? For real.
Do you think that by making a PSA on this site you will change anything?

I got something out of this thread. I don't share the OP's view about this topic at all, but I appreciate how imamother gives us a forum to learn about where other people are coming from.

Because of OP's post, I might have a different perspective on a child who seems withdrawn, shy, or rude in a public or unfamiliar situation, knowing that they might have been trained into that behavior. And I'll try be more sensitive.

And maybe because of some the replies she's gotten, OP will feel less creeped out if a strange adult does strike up a conversation with her kid, knowing that some adults just see kids as normal people and don't see any reason not to talk to them normally. She still might not like it.

But we all understand each other better. Thanks everybody!

amother

Anemone

Sun, May 21 2023, 4:34 pm

I agree with op. Id rather my kid be shy or less friendly with adults then be at higher risk of abuse.

Just a short while ago a girl in my very busy frum neighborhood was raped by a stranger that was delivering something to her neighbor. He asked her to show him where family ---- lives and she innocently went to show him. Stories like these make me warn my kids to not answer adults that need help. Can't Believe It

Adults should be asking other adults for help. If you're offended by less friendly frum kids, Sorry, grow up and pick your own age.

amother

Jetblack

Sun, May 21 2023, 4:35 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Lol as an adult who does not like to be noticed, this bothers me so much. I usually stare intensely back until they go away. Don’t be creepy.

amother

Eggshell

Sun, May 21 2023, 4:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

A 10 year old can play outside alone, and adults should know not to approach kids to talk to them or ask questions. I trust my kids. I don't trust random adults.

No. Adults should not know that - because its not a thing to know.

You can say "should" all you want - doesn't make it so.

ShishKabob

Sun, May 21 2023, 4:38 pm

amother Latte wrote:

Disagree.
It’s their official mode of transportation in monsey.
The parents definitely know and are comfortable with it.
I spoke about it irl.
They are naive and trusting.

totally untrue, I live in Monsey and don’t allow my kids to hitchhike. Never!!!

amother

Jetblack

Sun, May 21 2023, 4:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

Just that fact that an adult is striking up a conversation with a random child. There's no reason to do this.

You sound like those people who move to an out of town city and stare blankly at friendly natives who say good Shabbos to every frum looking person. Fun fact- that is normal out of town.

amother

Anemone

Sun, May 21 2023, 4:39 pm

And I don't know where frum stare comes into this conversation . I have a special needs family member and we get long stares from ppl from all walks of life.

It hurts but most ppl don't mean to be rude.

Wish posters here would stop picking on frum ppl. Its offensive.