Don't bring your kids

giftedmom

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 9:41 am

amother OP wrote:

To respond to all the questions....
No I never intended on bringing them to the wedding. I have no idea how they found out we brought them to their city and their text a day before the wedding seemed a bit off ...like who freaks out that kids gasp will be brought to a wedding and makes sure to send a message when I'm sure there are a million other things to take care of. Just seemed like they really over did it. I spoke to another sister in law who said they texted her 3 times to remind her. She said chill I wasn't planning on bringing them in the first place. They said we just want confirmation your not bringing them. When they texted us the day before we responded no worries we have a babysitter. That was it. We didn't create issues for them.

Why did I bring them through all the travel ? Because happens to be I have a relative from my side of the family here and to me I was excited to go visit her and hang out with her ...my husband could go to the wedding and I could go to my relative with the little kids. And we could all enjoy for the other 4 and a half days.

I did run in for 10 min to say mazel tov and did bring my little baby with me . Got the nastiest look from my mother and sister in law. Mother in law wouldn't even look at baby her own grandchild. The first thing she said to me wasn't hi or so nice to see you but rather where are the little kids? You found a babysitter? I said sweetly don't worry they're not here.

At a wedding. Just seems like a hyper focus on the wrong thing. Enjoy your grandkids wedding. Breathe a little.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This is over the top not normal.

amother

RosePink

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 3:58 pm

amother Maple wrote:

Honestly, if her point was that she missed the wedding to be with her kids, good for her. I think it's ridiculous to exclude kids. My children are members of our family. They're people, too- they don't just magically become members of society at a certain age. I wouldn't go to a wedding where they weren't invited, and I would be offended. Especially if the other side had their kids- it definitely feels personal.

We have many cousins on my husband's side who when they make weddings invite me and my husband but specifically not our children. What always happens is that my husband goes and I stay home with the kids. Their loss. Me and the kids never see them. We have no other closer family here (we live in another country than mine and my husband's family) so my children just basically have never been to a family simcha which is quite sad for them. It is what it is.

amother

Opal

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 4:03 pm

amother RosePink wrote:

For a cousin making a wedding, it is common to not invite the kids (the second cousins/cousins once removed)

Orchid

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 4:17 pm

I think OP is losing some support here because it seems from some posts that she thought she'd bring the kids anyway, at least from her earlier posts.

Had OP just said this: "My MIL said there is such a strict no-kids-allowed approach that she would rather I miss the simcha! I feel sad and left out."you would get across the board support. But when it seems like you tried to circumvent their rules, which you cannot do, you'll get comments like "their wedding, their rules!" which detracts from the support you'd otherwise get.

amother

Clover

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 9:40 pm

amother Seagreen wrote:

Oh come on. They had every right to fly there! It was just the wedding the littles weren't invited to.

Having said that, I wouldn't have brought the baby when popping in. I might not even have gone TBH

But re: " sister in law who said they texted her 3 times to remind her" - but yes, these people ARE off.

...AND they should have found babysitters!

Of course she's ALLOWED to. But why WOULD she? There's no purpose.
Unless she was planning to disregard the guidelines of the Baalei Simcha, which is kind of the message it gives wether or not she was planning on it. And then hiding it from the family gives this message in NEON FLAHSING LIGHTS

internationalma

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 1:53 am

amother Cerise wrote:

You don’t enjoy sitting next to someone holding a baby as it destroys the conversation flow? I think that you need to reassess your priorities. Babies are wonderful, they should elicit a smile and good feeling. Not feeling that they destroy the ambiance. Adults need to have adult lives? This is just so wrong on so many levels.

Babies are amazing and wonderful. But there is a time and place for everything !
Why are people ok to pay for a babysitter for non family events and not for family events?!
Babies Do NOT belong in evening events. It’s simple.
I think op was very wrong to bring her baby along because she was specifically asked not to. ( would she bring baby to a very fancy event that non family?!)
Babies and children under a certain age don’t belong in certain events regardless the cost. It’s not all about the MONEY.
If they felt like she didn’t plan on going to wedding unless she comes with her little children , basically coming with her term and conditions , I understand why they didn’t care she doesn’t come!
I personally loves kids but I wouldn’t take my children : clothes shopping , restaurants and evening events for sure.
You have a family wedding you pay for a babysit to enjoy a nice evening out with your husband , have a nice supper ect. Or you go as an obligation towards the family .

amother

Chicory

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:56 am

amother Cerise wrote:

No, it's not wrong on any level. Babies are adorable and delicious, but this does not mean that babies belong everywhere. There's a time and place for everything, and certain events are just a place where babies don't belong, as adorable as they are.

amother

IndianRed

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 9:19 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

I wonder if your BIL/SIL were hurt that you traveled all the way with your family and didn't bother to hire a babysitter so you can join the simcha.
Just another perspective.

In one post, OP said she told her MIL that she hired a babysitter. But from other posts it sounds like they didn't use one?

amother

Clover

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 9:25 am

The story seems to change as we go along
Decided to bring kids anyways became I never planned on bringing them to the wedding
Hired a babysitter turned into I wasn't planning on having one and watched them while my husband was there
I can come for a vacation to that city at that time, keep it a secret, and expect them not to feel like I'm planning to bring my kids who I just flew over to this city...
I'm upset that they sent us reminders/ I'm upset about the wedding policy of who's invited/I'm upset because I didn't feel wanted

wondering

rmbg

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 9:26 am

amother Clover wrote:

Agree. This story keeps changing.

lamplighter

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 9:59 am

kenz wrote:

OP, this whole thing is ridiculous. They made it perfectly clear that not having kids at the event trumped your presence, even just for a quick mazel tov. How sad. Next time don’t go. Hope you enjoyed the rest of the trip with your family.

What's bizarre to me is the whole conversation was with her mother in law and not with the actual one making the simcha? Her mother in law decided what trumps what? She's upset at what her mother in law said but why is she the one you're talking to?

kenz

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 12:10 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Because mothers-in-law…🤷‍♀️?

lamplighter

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 12:25 pm

kenz wrote:

Because mothers-in-law…🤷‍♀️?

I'm saying why is she making these plans and decisions with her mother in law. The conversation should have been with the SIL. Was the MIL the messenger to inform her not to bring the kids and to tell her it's ok if she doesn't come. The response to MIL should have been, I hear you, I'll discuss my plans with SIL.