I'm an only child (grew up orthodox) - AMA

amother

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 3:24 am

amother Navy wrote:

I am raising an only child and this seems to be very on target with what she is telling me.

The intensity you described is a biggy. I see it and know it. Do you think there is any way your parents could’ve made that part easier?

At the end of the day, the entire house revolves around my daughter. My schedule, food, conversations, vacations etc etc. She has two parents hopes and dreams places on her young innocent shoulders and has her every move observed under a magnifying glass. I wish I can make that part easier for her.

I think the intensity is also related to personality types and interactions. I think just finding a better balance between their needs from me as their kids with my needs for myself would have helped. Like not demanding hugs when I'm not in the mood. Or letting me sleep over at a friend even if it is right before I'd be going away for a while (e.g., camp). Or just tryign to understand each other better - if my mother had explained that she is an extrovert and emotional and needs lots of affection and took the time to understand that I am an introvert and more intellectual and need my space, and really discuss it and explain our needs and expectations to/from each other. This is something I have done with my own kids, even though they aren't only children, just some are different than me. I think it would have helped the intensity level

Yes, my house also revolved around me like that. My parents were careful not to spoil me. But as an adult, I think it really made it harder for me that my baseline was having a say in everything and the real world just doesn't work like that. But I've adjusted.

The pressure of being an only child is real - becoming a successful adult, having a good job, getting married and having a family. I don't think my parents were too pressuring relatively speaking, either that or my ambitions were similar to theirs anyway. But my parents are pretty good about not pressuring me directly (the unspoken pressure will always be there. But my parents don't directly nudge too often about which job I chose or what kind of guy I should marry (before marriage) or about having more grandkids etc). My parents were pretty good about this and I appreciate it.

amother

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 3:36 am

amother Navy wrote:

I have one more question if you dont mind. Sorry im just so excited to be able to ask and get a peek into my daughters head lol.

I’m worried about the loneliness. Not the everyday boredom. More about the deep sense of just being alone in the planet with mo siblings to share your everyday pains and joys. I am super close with my siblings and just cant imagine how my daughter must feel.
Can you elaborate on that and tell me what I can do to help it?

Do close relationship with cousins matter?

Did you want more privacy as a child or wanted more parental involvement?

I'm happy to answer questions, I don't talk about it much anymore, it is interesting to explore my own perspective as an adult from everyone's questions! Glad my experience with small seders made you feel better too Smile

I don't have that sense of loneliness because I don't know what I'm missing. I have so much curiosity about sibling relationships and of course see it a lot elsewhere, but I can't really miss what I never had . Kind of like how you can want a husband before getting married, but you don't really understand what you were missing until after you are married (at least for me it was that way). I never felt alone in the world because of the lack of siblings, but friends were extra important for me. At school, you spend hours every day with the same kids for years. It isn't like siblings at all, but it is people there day in and day out who are going through life with you too. I had friends who became like sisters, still in touch with them today!

I think close relationships with cousins was a big deal for me because I didn't have siblings. They are the closest peers I have that are family. It is also tricky because my cousins all have siblings though. So for me they are my closest peer relatives, but for them I am not the closest. But a lot of this can also depend on different factors - how close everyone lives, age gaps, genders, personalities. I don't know if all only children feel this way. I also feel it differently with different cousins.

As a child, overall I wanted more privacy. But I think what I wanted most was more parental involvement when I felt I needed/wanted it and more privacy when that's I felt I needed/wanted. My mom by nature is very involved and it felt stifling, but there were also lots of times when I wanted time or attention and she was busy (this is normal). I think a balance is most important, as well as trying to match timing to everyone's needs. I am introverted and independent by nature, so my need for space is big. But some only children thrive on constant attention. I think it is very much down to your child' and maybe also on your personality or parenting style. Ask your kid, they can tell you!

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 4:35 am

I had it both ways. Raised an only child for many yrs, and then was blessed with more kids close in age bh. There was a huge difference for me to raise kids in both scenarios.

With my only child, there was always a pressure for me to entertain the child and get him company. I didnt really hear him say so much that he is bored, because he was a type to always keep himself busy. It's just if he wasnt busy with constructive things then he would be destructive. How long can you play with toys on your own? We needed to change activities frequently.

My next set, did everything together, that they entertained each others. Played together, shared jokes, made trouble together, fought together. Whatever, but they had each others.

My big one was always amused, even when they were fighting, because he never had that.

It was also challenging to raise an only. Everything revolved around him. I couldn't make rules, like now is eating time, like seriously, eating time for whom, if I dont come to the table to eat, who exactly are you serving? So it always ended up on his terms like schedule was around him deciding when he eats.

He was challenging. He used to argue and fight me, and when I asked him why he does, he'd say, well I don't have siblings to fight with.

He demanded everything momentarily, if I was busy, and couldnt go buy or do something at the moment, he couldnt understand what I can be busy with, besides for him. That changed when my next baby was born, which I had to tend to. Then he knew ok, baby is crying and have to tend to baby first.

Shabbos table, I'd get him company.

Boundaries of kids vs adults was hard. He always felt like adult. Like he always had to be involved in adult, parent convos, know everything, have everything parents had, like bedtime, food. There was no, this is for kids and this is for the adults.

Social cues interactions he was missing, because of no siblings. He found it hard between peers to know what is right and what is not.

You always want what you dont have. If he went to family with lots of kids he would say, Im missing the noise, actions, it's so quiet in our home. He used to put on music on loudest volume to break the quiet, ge couldnt tolerate it.

My niece, would come to my home, wow quiet! Awesome. She saud she couldnt concentrate on homework, she didnt have her own space, room. She had to share everything.

She was like awed, wow all those toys are yours only? My sin would say what do I have from so many toys, if I have no one to play it with. Like Mimi Simi story.

amother

Hawthorn

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 6:15 am

amother OP wrote:

1. Were you very attached with your parent/s as a child? Actually I wasn't very attached to my parents. I am very independent by nature, and while that could stem from being an only child, I think it is innate, as I displayed that even from toddlerhood (an age where any oldest child could still be an only child).

2. Did you find it hard to be alone/sleep alone so much of the time? I love sleeping alone. Actually, adjusting to sleeping next to my husband was a big adjustment! I did sometimes find it hard to have a lot of alone time. I am an introvert and naturally need time and space to myself, so it was great to have that. However, as a kid, you don't really control your time and I didn't necessarily have time to myself when I wanted it or needed it. Overall, I felt quite lonely as a kid, no one to play with at home, it was lonely and boring. I think I relied on neighbors and friends more than the average kid (or at least more than the average introverted kid).

3. I don't think I was jealous, but I sometimes wished I was part of a big family. I liked not having to share my stuff, nothing got ruined or borrowed or moved around by siblings - that was great. I also liked my alone time. But as I was lonely and also loved little kids, I was sometimes jealous of friend with siblings - younger ones who were cute and fun, or older ones to look up to. I felt that lack sometimes. And when I had friends who had a bunch of siblings, I would often spend a lot of time at their houses hanging out with not just the friend but also their family, I loved feeling like I was a part of a big family, even if only temporarily and spent a lot of time at friends and cousins with bigger families. My friends younger siblings loved me because I always let them play with me or follow me around (even when my friend would have rather not). And I often used to pretend that my cousins were my siblings when we were together, they didn't seem to mind. At some point in my childhood, I made up like a dozen imaginary siblings and would play out or make up all these stories about my time with them. But, I didn't actually want a dozen siblings, as I also liked the uniqueness of being an only child, it was part of my identity.

Thank you so much for answering my questions. I really appreciate your perspective.

In terms of intensity, I see someone else asked already, I'm just wondering if there is something we can do to lower the intensity? In my experience it seems ok on a daily basis but I find it particularly challenging when we visit grandparents or have them stay by us as they focus quite heavily on my child and I feel like it's too much pressure. Any suggestions?

amother

Stoneblue

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 6:38 am

amother Obsidian wrote:

I am married to an only child. Some of what you wrote really echos his feelings. Others are very different.

Did you grow up to meet your parents' expectations? My DH lives with his parents' disappointment in him every day and it is a terrible burden.

I don't want to hijack this thread (which I am reading because I find it fascinating, thank you all for sharing your experiences.

I do want to say that the bolded is not unique to only children. I am an eldest, not an only, but I am a failure and did not meet my mother's expectations. My father is proud of me. But it hurts every day to know that I'm a failure. I know many others also who are not only children, who feel the same.

So I want to say that your husband is not alone. But that this has to do with the parents, not with whether you have siblings. I'm sure being an only child AND a "failure" really stings, the same as it does to be a failure when your siblings are loved and seen as successes.

amother

Navy

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 9:14 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

The intensity of being a failure as your parents only child is much worse than being a failure in a family of 3-4-5-6

I am also a failure in my parents eyes but I see when my only daughter feels like she failed me, the intensity if those feelings are just heavy.

amother

Navy

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 9:17 am

Everything you wrote about intensity, social cues, adult conversations and being part of the decision making process holds true for my daughter.

I wish there was something I can do about it.

We try so hard no to spoil her. But by default she is. Everything belongs to her. No sharing or caring needed.

She is part of all adult conversations. Do we even have a choice?

Practically speaking, do you have any suggestions?

Also, the mimi/simi- actually my daughter has no interest in having siblings at this point. She loves her private attention and like you said she probably has no clue what it even means to have siblings

amother

Stoneblue

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 9:29 am

amother Navy wrote:

I think you are just more attuned to your daughter than your mother was to you. You note how your daughter feels when she feels like she failed you. I'm going to bet your parents didn't notice, and still don't notice (or care?) how you feel when you know that you are a failure in their eyes. Possibly they didn't notice because you had siblings so it was easier to just ignore it.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 9:44 am

I have two children 5 years apart, different genders and I could relate to many of the parenting issues of raising only children especially one of my kids is away often. We have lots of friends over all the time and I spend a lot of time with my kids. My younger one is always asking for a baby. Supper happens whenever they decide and whatever they decide they want. We don't have cousins where we live. I think that would be really nice for my kids but I do have them sleep over for shabbos sometimes from out of town. I am very blessed that we have neighbors my kids like to hang with and we are definitely the house with all the toys. I always get my kids the single noshes for shabbos because what are we going to do with a whole bag of candy? And the next week it's boring (or they go into the nosh bag all week!) I find both of my kids very needy and it is interesting given that I am so much more available than other parents. Though sometimes my younger one will be busy for an hour playing and it gets nice and quiet. Thanks for sharing. Finding this very educational.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 9:59 am

amother Honeydew wrote:

For how long was your son an only kid?

amother

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 12:16 pm

amother Obsidian wrote:

I'd love to hear more about your husbands thoughts/feelings!

I know the disappointment and pressure can be hard, I have a friend who is an only child who has a really hard time with it. I mostly met their expectations. I didn't live near them, which disappointed them, but they later moved closer to where I lived, so now that is a moot point, but was an issue earlier on (like how could I have their grandchildren live so far away from them??). I think they were also disappointed I didn't have a lot of kids, but I think that at least partially stems from their own feelings about themselves, but also because I am their only source of grandchildren and that is pressure. But I don't feel too bad because I did give them multiple grandchildren. There was also a short period where they were unhappy with my career choice, but I switched careers a few times (unrelated to them) and they have been happy with the last few. I think the biggest area of disappointment for them is that I am not close with them. But we do have a good relationship and talk/get together often, so that works out ok.

In general though, I suffer less from this. I think I am the type of person who doesn't care too much about what other people think and I was never super close with them anyway, plus to their credit they aren't particularly pressuring or interested in being disappointed and they seem to focus on the good most of the tiime.

amother

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 12:22 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

I relate to this so much, thanks for sharing! I especially relate to the parts I bolded above, but as the kid, some of it only in hindsight thought.

My friends were surprised that I fought with my parents so much, but I always said too that I don't have siblings to fight with, so I fight with my parents LOL

I was always in their business, it really annoyed them, but there were only the 3 of us in the house, so why should they be involved in everything and only I was left out? So I stuck my nose everywhere. I understand now as an adult how annoying that must have been.

And I love Mimi and Simi! Like the Biggest Littlest Birthday Cake. I read that to my own kids and it gives them a little perspective into what my life was like growing up.

amother

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 12:26 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

It depends on the grandparents. Too much pressure on you or too much on your kid? Or both?

I had one set of grandparents who doted on me and spoiled me. That was great from my perspective. The other set were pressuring and wanted me to act like a little adult with them and I had a hard time.

I think having activities at home or outings can lower the intensity - the focus is diverted to something other than the kid. This always helped me when visiting or being visited by relatives. Even just watching a movie or going window shopping or playing board games.

amother

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 12:31 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

amother Navy wrote:

I agree with both of you. Anyone feels horrible when they have disappointed their parents, it weighs on you constantly, even if they are disappointed or not with your siblings. But I do think it is a bit harder as an only child because they have no one else who can make up for it - like I didn't just let them down, I let all their hopes and dreams down because those die with me. But eveyrone has a hard time when their parents are disappointed, lots of empathy for you amother Stoneblue.

amother

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 12:37 pm

amother Navy wrote:

Send her to sleep away camp LOL

Seriously though, suddenly living with a bunch of other girls in close quarters was a major shock to me and I learned from it.

But also, having everything be yours doesn't automatically translate to being spoiled. All my stuff was mine, but my parents did a good job not spoiling me. I never felt entitled to toys or other things like that. They also made me buy my own stuff, which is another good practical suggestion which taught me the value of things.

amother

Obsidian

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 12:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

He certainly liked some parts of being an only child but he was very lonely. He never wanted to invite friends over because he thought his house was boring. He always loved going to his friends houses. My husband is definitely not an introvert. He cares about his friends more then most guys because he views his closest friends like his brothers.

My DH really wanted to marry someone who came from a big family and he did. My parents and siblings love him BH and view him as a son/brother not an inlaw.

My DH has learned to realize how unhealthy his parents disappointments are to him. With therapy he has learned to put up barriers to protect himself and give him the ability to tell his parents how they are making him feel. It isn't easy.

For me one of the hardest parts are all the comments from outsiders that I have to live with. Being an only child is so uncommon in the frum world people think my inlaws pay for everything for us. They don't. They don't buy my kids presents. Many of my children are disappointing to them too. Too bad. My DH and kids are amazing. It's sad that my inlaws can't see that.

amother

Wed, Sep 06 2023, 12:44 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

So interesting that you relate to some of this as well with a 5 year age gap!