Anyone intentionally stop at 2 kids and happy with decision?

amother

Daylily

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 10:58 am

I think the people that have their whole bunch of kids four or five of them close in age just to be done earlier are nuts!!!! I don't think you spare yourself any extra chaos. But instead create more. Also I enjoyed the baby stage much more as I grew older. I appreciated life and what I was doing much more than when I was young and dumb.

justforfun87

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 11:17 am

amother Daylily wrote:

I agree with this. I had my first 3 within 4 years. Now 6.5 years later I had a baby and he is such a joy. Maybe I don't remember years back but I so much more appreciate his cuteness now vs when I was very very overwhelmed.

amother

Magenta

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 12:49 pm

I have 2 teenagers 3 years apart. I made the decision to stop after 2 even though my husband would have preferred more. I felt that was all I can handle and I don't regret my decision at all! We lean MO as well.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 4:33 pm

I have 2. I originally thought I would have more. My third pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. At first, I was upset, but as I got closer to what should have been my due date, I realized that I don't know if I can handle another child at this point. Dh refuses to help with anything, and one of my kids has special needs. Once I realized that I can't leave my sn kid with dh for 2 days while I have a baby, and that my mother finds my special kid to be very challenging, I decided that I'm happy with the 2 kids I have and I don't need more. They're teens now, and I have no regrets.

amother

DarkGreen

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 4:50 pm

amother DarkGray wrote:

Who said anything about assuming? The only person assuming here is you. They've discussed it openly. I said fertility or medical. There are medical conditions that can make it dangerous for fertile people to have children.

I have no fertility or medical issues, but only have two bio kids. I have non-bio kids too and am definitely too overwhelmed to have more. It will never happen. You are wrong to assume medical or fertility. Some people make the choice that they are better parents emotionally and financially with less kids. It may not be the norm in the frum world, but there are plenty out there with this mindset. OP, the decision is yours and your DH’s alone. Hatzlacha but please don’t base your decision on what others do.

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 4:53 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

I have no idea who you are and have assumed nothing about you. I was talking about families I know, who have discussed their issues with me.

amother

Currant

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 4:57 pm

I have 2.
It was not by choice (until my 3rd 2nd trimester miscarriage and I decided I couldn’t not do this anymore as isn’t t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?)

My children are both grown and out of the house. Although it wasn’t my plan, and took a while for me to be OK with my family size, I truly see the bracha. The time, attention, experiences, flexibility, resources, relationships…. It has afforded us has been an enormous bracha.

I was hesitant to post as I would not want to be the reason a Jewish neshama was not brought into the world, but I do believe in quality, and we have really have that. I am proud the relationship I have with my children and my husband, and the involvement I have in my community. Had I been spread thinner, I don’t know that I would have done as good a job (maybe I would have-we will never know.)

amother

DarkGreen

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:14 pm

amother DarkGray wrote:

I have no idea who you are and have assumed nothing about you. I was talking about families I know, who have discussed their issues with me.

I know that, but I was responding to the fact you said “I don't know anyone in our MO community who has chosen to stop at two kids.” Outside your community there are those who have chosen to stop at two kids without any medical issues and I was just pointing this out.

amother

Orange

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:29 pm

My husband way more of a kid person than me. Pregnancy very hard for me, but not enough that I wouldn’t have kids because of it. I like being able to do things and enjoy the freedom and would enjoy having more money. But, I’d still take 10-15 kids over the freedom and money, if G-d blesses me with that many kids iyh.

amother

Maple

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:32 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

I was desperate to try and do that (got married a bit later and didn’t want to have kids in my late thirties) but I have three now and I’m going to iyh take an extended break- I need to be a whole mother to each of them before I can have more . I also had some trouble getting pregnant but that will be up to hashem obviously. I can’t try asap just to not be worried about it.

amother

Orange

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:35 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

Agreed, also even tho I’d like to go on vacations while I have a bunch of kids. Let’s be honest, probably not realistic. So, even tho the first child was hard to make, who knows when I’ll be back on an Alaskan cruise or Bahamas cruise? Therefore, looking back, I guess I used my first year of marriage without kids wisely since I did things I probably won’t be able to later (either because child too young to go on cruise or I’m pregnant and so they won’t let me on). So, don’t rush if you already know you’ll only have 2-5 kids. In fact; if I only wanted 2 kids I’d probably wait till my late 30s to early 40s.

amother

Orange

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:41 pm

amother DarkGray wrote:

Just anecdotally, I don't know anyone in our MO community who has chosen to stop at two kids. Three, yes, but not two. The only families I know who are done with one or two kids all had a medical or fertility issue preventing additional children. I am not saying that to tell you what to do, just sharing as a data point.

Personally, I don't agree that having 3-4 kids is categorically more stressful. For my husband and I, the biggest transition was from zero to one. Everything after that was incremental. But I do think that there is a big difference between life with an under-3 year old and life with everyone in the house being age 3 or older. And the period of having an under-3 is going to be longer, the more kids you have.

I would strongly disagree. Many MO only want 2-4 kids. That was my difficulty with guys while dating. Many of them also only had 2-4 kids in their family. MO are known to not have a lot of kids, unless they grew up yeshivish and became MO and due to their background they want large families.

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:42 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Um ok, of course. Did you miss the part where I said "just anecdotally" or described it as "a data point." Amother Mocha, by contrast, said that in her MO community it was common to purposely stop at 2 and cited tuition cost as a possible factor. That's another data point. She's not assuming anything about anyone and I'm not assuming anything about anyone either. We are both sharing our experiences of different communities, neither of which preclude other people having totally different experiences.

amother

Orange

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:44 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

I agree. I know having 2 then a big gap doesn't sound appealing to you now, but just keep it in mind as a 3rd option instead of completely discarding it. There are definitely advantages to this kind of family (all large gaps OR 2 with small gap then large gap then 2 more with small gap) and many many people are very happy with it.

Agreed, honestly that’s what I’d do if I didn’t want a lot of kids.

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:46 pm

amother Orange wrote:

I never made a statement about all MO, just reported my experience with people I know from my community, and specifically it was about stopping at 2, not 2-4.

amother

Orange

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:47 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

My parents are MO. I am one of two. My mother really wanted one of each gender. It worked out for her right away. She was done after having me. I have plenty of friends who also are from a household of 2. Especially when your going to send to expensive MO yeshivahs. Very typical.

Yes, it’s very typical of MO to only have 2 kids. This is why even tho I identify as MO, I probably will send my kids to bais yakov schools. It’s almost not feasible to have 10-15 kids being raised MO due to costs. But, I’m not typical MO, I grew up yeshivish and became MO.

amother

Azalea

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:50 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

I found the hardest part of parenting was when I had my oldest as a toddler, plus the next as a baby. You're on your own with these 2 little people who need so much care and attention and it's really physically draining.
Once my oldest was already 6, it was easier. I had children who could dress themselves, go to the toilet themselves and generally be a little helpful.
I really don't think you need to rush into your decision. 1yo is still a baby. Even if you thought about another, having a 3-4 age gap is still close enough together. I have a couple of friends who have 2 close together, a large gap and then another 2, so there's like 2 sets where each have a sibling to play with.
I also found I needed less baby stuff as we went along. Yes, I couldn't manage without a highchair or a stroller, but a lot of the other stuff isn't necessary.
And I found the adjustment from 0-2 kids was the hardest. Once you have 2, then having a couple more just slots into place.

I have 2, Im finding it very very difficult. Why would it be easier to have a couple older kids and a couple babies. The older kids demand so much too.
I feel so much dread about the future, I don’t want to deprive my husband of children and my children of siblings, but it’s all stress very little joy.

amother

Currant

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:51 pm

I am MO and as I said above, I have 2 kids. I would say the most common number of kids is 3, followed by 4, there are some with 5 or 6 (and one in my community with 10). There are also those of us with 2 and some with one. I don’t know of a single family with one or 2 that it was intentional. I am not saying that there aren’t any, but if I count off the families I know well with one or 2 kids, they all had a “reason”-either fertility, medical, or mental health related. Now granted, I don’t know everyone, I only know a fraction of them, but the ones I know well, it is the case. But as I said, I don’t know about people I don’t know well, as this is not something you air.

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:52 pm

10-15 is a pretty high bar. Most yeshivish and JPF families I know do not reach double digits. Personally, even if I had started having kids at age 22, and went through to age 42 without BC, I still probably wouldn't reach double digits just due to nursing clean and a handful of early miscarriages.