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-> Parenting our children
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amother
Dustypink
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 Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:19 am
| amother OP wrote: | I agree with you that parents need to be confident and embody strength. That doesn’t need to come with potching though. True strength comes from an inner resolve not to hit.
Kids who aren’t potched aren’t woke kids. My kids are sensitive, empathetic and confident kids who are bh doing very well. |
You need to realize that not all kids are the same & different kids need different methods to be able to thrive and do well. There's no ONE way that is the right way & works for all kids. Every child needs a different kind of parenting, even children within the same family. There's no one way that works for every child.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:24 am
| amother Dustypink wrote: | | You need to realize that not all kids are the same & different kids need different methods to be able to thrive and do well. There's no ONE way that is the right way & works for all kids. Every child needs a different kind of parenting, even children within the same family. There's no one way that works for every child. |
Yes, every kid needs their nuanced approach.
Different kids thrive under different styles.
And what worked for child number 2 might not work for child number 8.
Potching doesn’t work for any child, though. It may work for the parent as it’s an easy way to restore order. But it doesn’t work for any child. It hurts on a physical and emotional level and the most harmful of it all is the shame it produces. Shame is so harmful and toxic to kids and potching is so shame inducing.
There are better ways to be mechanech and bh nowadays we have better tools and knowledge.
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amother
Mintgreen
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:32 am
| amother OP wrote: | Yes, every kid needs their nuanced approach.
Different kids thrive under different styles.
And what worked for child number 2 might not work for child number 8.
Potching doesn’t work for any child, though. It may work for the parent as it’s an easy way to restore order. But it doesn’t work for any child. It hurts on a physical and emotional level and the most harmful of it all is the shame it produces. Shame is so harmful and toxic to kids and potching is so shame inducing.
There are better ways to be mechanech and bh nowadays we have better tools and knowledge. |
As I said. Rigid, without the ability to see other opinions.
But I'm out. You're convinced you're right, and this thread was only for you to get people to say "wow, you're so amazing, tell me your secrets"
You don't want to hear other opinions, or even why what happens in the home doesn't matter in the classroom.
This was entirely meant to be an ego boost for you. And I'm sorry but I can't accommodate.
You're wrong. You're judging someone based on second hand gossip that may or may not be accurate, without any more details, because you heard a trigger word that you can't accept can possibly be okay.
So I wish you luck in your chinuch, and especially in teaching your children about ahavas chinam and Dan lkaf zechus.
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amother
Dustypink
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:39 am
| amother OP wrote: | Yes, every kid needs their nuanced approach.
Different kids thrive under different styles.
And what worked for child number 2 might not work for child number 8.
Potching doesn’t work for any child, though. It may work for the parent as it’s an easy way to restore order. But it doesn’t work for any child. It hurts on a physical and emotional level and the most harmful of it all is the shame it produces. Shame is so harmful and toxic to kids and potching is so shame inducing.
There are better ways to be mechanech and bh nowadays we have better tools and knowledge. |
Being so rigid and unable to see outside your opinion and mind, is not an advantage at all. Rigid people generally run a rigid household & raise rigid kids. We need to be flexible in life & able to see & understand other opinions & other ways.
The "my way or the highway" attitude, raises kids that often don't feel understood & validated, which causes them to not be able to understand and validate other's. They end up being rigid & obnoxious themselves.
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behappy2
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:43 am
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Take a chill. Either your child will be happy or unhappy. This is no way an indication. If you said that the teacher hits kids in school, makes fun of kids publicly, shames kids... These would be concerns.
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amother
cornflower
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:56 am
| amother OP wrote: | Yes, every kid needs their nuanced approach.
Different kids thrive under different styles.
And what worked for child number 2 might not work for child number 8.
Potching doesn’t work for any child, though. It may work for the parent as it’s an easy way to restore order. But it doesn’t work for any child. It hurts on a physical and emotional level and the most harmful of it all is the shame it produces. Shame is so harmful and toxic to kids and potching is so shame inducing.
There are better ways to be mechanech and bh nowadays we have better tools and knowledge. |
You haven't tried different parenting methods on every child, so you don't know this for a fact.
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Chayalle
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:57 am
| amother Steelblue wrote: | hate to tell u all, the best parenting advisor is your spouse (or yourself). all these experts have read a few books, talked to a few psychologists....no one knows your child better than you.
bh I've raised good kids some we potched more than others. they all show gratitude to our parenting and say they wldnt pick any other family.
we know what's best for our kids at any given time and that my friends is called good parenting, having the confidence to do what is right at any given time (be that a trip with a child, a phone for the teen, a potch for the toddler....) trust yourselves and be the best parent you can be.
as for the teqxhers let them bring up their kids as they see fit. don't judge them till you've walked a mile in their shoes which you not ever gonna do so meantime unless your child is being harmed by the teacher (physically or emotionally) Chas vesholom, just get on with it |
Honestly this is the type of post I disagree with the most.
Because it presumes that all parents out there know how to parent their children well.
So abusive parents do too, right. No one knows their child better than they do.
My sister is a doctor, she saw children brought into the hospital whose parents abused them. Kids with burn marks, did their parents know them better than anyone else?
This is very harmful parenting advice, and I protest it.
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Mommyg8
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 11:10 am
| Chayalle wrote: | Honestly this is the type of post I disagree with the most.
Because it presumes that all parents out there know how to parent their children well.
So abusive parents do too, right. No one knows their child better than they do.
My sister is a doctor, she saw children brought into the hospital whose parents abused them. Kids with burn marks, did their parents know them better than anyone else?
This is very harmful parenting advice, and I protest it. |
Rabbi Simcha Wasserman was asked this question - why don't children come with an instruction manual? How can Hashem, kivyochol, give children to parents with no instructions how to raise them? Rabbi Wasserman, who did not have children of his own, said this "Children do come with an instruction manual. The instruction manual is in the heart of every mother, she has an instruction manual in her heart as to how to raise her children".
Presumably the abusive parents are not listening to what their hearts are telling them.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 11:45 am
| amother Dustypink wrote: | Being so rigid and unable to see outside your opinion and mind, is not an advantage at all. Rigid people generally run a rigid household & raise rigid kids. We need to be flexible in life & able to see & understand other opinions & other ways.
The "my way or the highway" attitude, raises kids that often don't feel understood & validated, which causes them to not be able to understand and validate other's. They end up being rigid & obnoxious themselves. |
Not being pro potching doesn’t equal rigidity. I’m not sure why you are equating the two.
Are the gedolim who are outspoken against potching rigid? No, they are being vocal about something they feel strongly is harmful.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 11:45 am
| Chayalle wrote: | Honestly this is the type of post I disagree with the most.
Because it presumes that all parents out there know how to parent their children well.
So abusive parents do too, right. No one knows their child better than they do.
My sister is a doctor, she saw children brought into the hospital whose parents abused them. Kids with burn marks, did their parents know them better than anyone else?
This is very harmful parenting advice, and I protest it. |
Spot on as usual Chayalle. Thank you.
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Chayalle
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:08 pm
| Mommyg8 wrote: | Rabbi Simcha Wasserman was asked this question - why don't children come with an instruction manual? How can Hashem, kivyochol, give children to parents with no instructions how to raise them? Rabbi Wasserman, who did not have children of his own, said this "Children do come with an instruction manual. The instruction manual is in the heart of every mother, she has an instruction manual in her heart as to how to raise her children".
Presumably the abusive parents are not listening to what their hearts are telling them. |
I'll say this - as a mother, my heart told me I needed guidance with parenting. I'm so grateful to Torah Umesorah and Mrs. Trenk for providing me with that. I would tell any parent whose heart tells them the same, that there's so much help out there for parents BH. We have only to reach out.
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amother
Heather
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:17 pm
This is getting super off point. OP happened to hear something that comcerned her.
Would she have been concerned if she hadn't heard this tidbit? Is she going to do a deep dive on all the Morah's and Rebbe's so that she can be 100% sure that no one else does things at home that she thinks are harmful?
When she finds that she doesn't trust most of the world with her kids, will she then opt to keep them with her 24/7?
I understand the struggle. I had some Morah's that I wasn't 100% happy with what they were doing in the classroom with my Toddler. I disagree VERY MUCH with some of their methods. I pulled him out for a year because of it!!!
But I had to come to reality. No one is exactly like me. That's not how Hashem made the world. It's not reasonable for ME to keep my kid home forever - he is super social and needs to be with other kids, and I need breaks from parenting to be a good parent. He will need to learn to deal with people who do things differently, and I can help him with that.
No one is perfect.
B"H my son LOVES his Morah and is running to school every day, and I couldn't be more pleased ... even though some of her methods are pedagogically backwards.
You can't control the world.
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amother
Dustypink
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:42 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Not being pro potching doesn’t equal rigidity. I’m not sure why you are equating the two.
Are the gedolim who are outspoken against potching rigid? No, they are being vocal about something they feel strongly is harmful. |
I didn't mean being pro potching. I meant the attitude you're displaying, my way or the highway, not being able to see and realize that there's no one right way. Your posts are displaying a rigid attitude, which may reflect on you as a person & parent.
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Mommyg8
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:45 pm
| Chayalle wrote: | | I'll say this - as a mother, my heart told me I needed guidance with parenting. I'm so grateful to Torah Umesorah and Mrs. Trenk for providing me with that. I would tell any parent whose heart tells them the same, that there's so much help out there for parents BH. We have only to reach out. |
100%, we all need guidance, and its important to reach out. OTOH, we also need to tune into our own intuition and the mother's heart that the Ribono shel Olam gave us. Both if these can be true at the same time, one does not negate the other.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:06 pm
| amother Dustypink wrote: | | I didn't mean being pro potching. I meant the attitude you're displaying, my way or the highway, not being able to see and realize that there's no one right way. Your posts are displaying a rigid attitude, which may reflect on you as a person & parent. |
It’s interesting as I’ve observed the opposite. The parents who still are holding onto potching as a method are usually rigid and can’t pivot to the newer and improved methods of parenting.
There may be exceptions but the parents who are pro potching are in my experience much more rigid in personality and their way of life.
My children are very flexible and that’s a a core strength of theirs bh.
Regardless you won’t trust me and that’s understandable, but I do ask of you to reach out to a mechanech or gadol you respect and ask about potching. I wish you the best of luck!
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amother
Dustypink
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 2:51 pm
| amother OP wrote: | It’s interesting as I’ve observed the opposite. The parents who still are holding onto potching as a method are usually rigid and can’t pivot to the newer and improved methods of parenting.
There may be exceptions but the parents who are pro potching are in my experience much more rigid in personality and their way of life.
My children are very flexible and that’s a a core strength of theirs bh.
Regardless you won’t trust me and that’s understandable, but I do ask of you to reach out to a mechanech or gadol you respect and ask about potching. I wish you the best of luck! |
Wow, you're not giving up with your rudeness and condescending. And you say that you're not rigid....
Every one of your posts, display rigidity & not fathoming that your way, is not the only way. If one can't open their mind a bit & think outside of their box, then it's unlikely that such a person is flexible & not rigid.
I did not say that I'm pro potching. All that me, and other posters are trying to explain to you is, that different parents have different methods, that your way isn't the only way, that different kids need different methods, that there's no one right way, and that potching isn't automatically bad and abusive.
But you refuse to acknowledge that & instead just keep on preaching how I need a mentor & guidance....
That's just obnoxious and rigid. It's comical that you claim that you're not rigid, when your posts are indicating otherwise.
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amother
Thistle
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 3:39 pm
I agree with you op
It feels like her method and way of teaching is off if in fact she is doing this at home
It's unusual punitive..people today are not generally able to calmly smack with love..if they are so calm and in touch with themselves they will choose a different method to discipline
Dustypink do you have some agenda here?? Your post look interesting!
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amother
DarkGray
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 7:07 pm
I agree with dustypink. I guess there are different ways to go about it. But it seems as if OP wants to stick to her way.
This thread is getting really long, and OP keeps repeating the same things. It's very black and white in her mind.
I just wanna say I was potched as a kid contrary to what OP said I am a very happy loving, parent. I never blamed my parents.
The whole neighborhood comes to play at my house. They claim that my kids are very happy confidant kids. And yes, I do potch once in a while. I know noone loves them more than I do.
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amother
DarkGray
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 7:13 pm
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amother
Nemesia
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 7:46 pm
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The problem is not hitting. The problem is hitting out of anger.
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