To the person whose kid bothers my kid in school

amother

Amaryllis

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:48 am

giftedmom wrote:

Op frankly you don’t come across as very nice yourself. And it could very well have been your kid bothering other kids, no matter how great you think your parenting is.
You need to have a meeting with the school and they need to address this. Your anger is misdirected.

I'm am a very nice, would never hurt a fly kind of person, my son who is being bullied has the same personality which is probably what makes him a target, he'll never hit back etc.
There is something that happens to you when your child is being hurt that can make you angry and aggressive. I completely understand the OP and believe her that in all other areas of her life she is a nice person.

Think of it this way, if you found out your child was being mocked in front of his class by his teacher, would you calmly work with the authorities or would you feel anger toward the teacher?
The harmful effects of bullying are immediate and life long so although the anger doesn't accomplish much its a very valid emotion.

giftedmom

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 11:12 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

100% understand. I’ve acted out of character myself when protecting my kids.
But this calling out, assumptions, and digs at the mother’s profession will get her nowhere.
Also, it’s probably worthwhile to get your child into therapy and teach them how to stand up for themselves. Otherwise if this bully is taken care of there will be another one next year.

amother

Amaryllis

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 11:21 am

giftedmom wrote:

I absolutely agree, but calling OP an angry person won't help her. This scenario is not one where we can judge that.
Its ok to feel angry, and at the same time OP should focus on giving her kid the skills he needs to stand up to the bully as well as working with the school to see how they want to approach this.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 11:25 am

mushkamothers wrote:

Wow.
This is my biggest insecurity with teaching (preaching) about parenting. I worry about people judging me by own kids behavior.

The fact is the only person I can control is myself. I cannot control my child or their tantrums. I cannot control if they're cranky, if they're sick, if they have medical diagnosis like pandas (yes it's a real thing) or mono or even an ear infection, or a behavioral diagnosis like ADHD or ASD or ODD or any other alphabet soup (also real).

I cannot control their social behaviors or lack thereof. I cannot control their smartness, processing speeds, intelligence or lack thereof.

You call it "bad middos" but a child who does not perform is always a child who cannot. No kid wants to be the bad one, the annoying one etc. And yes if it's a lack of skills, those can be taught, but how do you know they're not being worked on?

If this lady is any good, she's well aware of where and how her child struggles, and she's already putting all her effort into him.

That's my response to your OP on her behalf but I understand that you're a parent who's hurting watching your child hurt.

Have you reached out to the other mom? Why do you think she's not aware of what's going on? How is the school helping you deal with this?

I reread this and im not really sure- what does it mean "a mother cannot control the lack of her kids social behaviors"? So who is supposed to oversee that a kid has good midos and social skills, and make sure that if the kid does not, everything is done for them to obtain it? Laundry doesn't fold itself in my house ....

amother

Amaryllis

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 11:26 am

amother OP wrote:

Its possible that the parent is doing everything she can but behaviors aren't changed in a day.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 11:28 am

giftedmom wrote:

this is not exactly bullying. I really wholeheartedly believe that a role of the mother (one of ) is to teach her kids good middos. Not joking. If someone teaches other parents how to parent-it should not be included in the package? Good parenting is one that produces results ,no? I'm opening a can of worms?

amother

Daylily

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 11:30 am

amother OP wrote:

Um your child is not an object. Not laundry to be folded.
They are a full human being with all the conflicts and emotions and fights with their yetzer hara that you have. A mother can gently teach and strongly model. But your child isn’t a robot or computer. You can’t program them to do what you want
I know you’re in pain op. I’ve been there! Having your child be hurt by another is torturous!!!
But I have never ever ever blamed a mother for not controlling her child’s behavior!! And guess what? I’ve never even blamed my son’s bully, who is a child himself! I just don’t blame. I daven. And give endless love to my son. It’s all you can do

Oh, one more thing. Another child of mine had pandas. Yes it’s absolutely real. And he had zero control over his psychotic behavior at the time, and believe me, neither did I!

imasinger

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 11:38 am

OP, have you called this person yet?

I'll agree with you that parents need to build middos. For some kids, that happens easily, for others, it takes a whole lot of extra.

I'll agree with you that every child, including your DD, needs to be able to feel safe in school. And girls can be horrible to other girls sometimes, and it's not at all okay.

I'll disagree with you that there's nothing you can do except post anonymously here.

If you want your DD to know she has you defending her, she'd probably do best knowing that you're working it in 3 ways -- 1) by talking to the other mom; 2) by talking to the school; 3) and by getting DD the help she needs to stand up and avoid being a target, which might involve counseling, social skills classes, and your going out of your way to help her have close friends in school.

Hashem should send her relief soon. Being bullied is miserable.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 11:47 am

amother Daylily wrote:

for sure you tell them what to do-you tell them its forbidden to make fun of other people,call names, steal, hurt etc. etc. Your child is the product of who they are, they biological component, your parenting and society. It's not self -created life. That's why you teach and influence and mold,by not allowing things which are bad influence for them. Etc. Your child is not efker and at the age appropriate levels, until they are independent adults, you do tell them what they can or cannot do. And daven. For sure mother is responsible for her child, that is why children have parents. She is yes responsible for her reaction to her kids behavior, and lack of it, if it keeps happening. If a mechanech has non frum kids, something is not okay here, and its a big problem. I am responsible for my kids and I would feel embarrassed if they would grow as wild people with bad midos.its my kids and my achrayus to do most so they grow as good, nice yidden. If Hashem gives you child He trusts you can parent and be present for your kid, and do all for the kids benefit. Having good middos is a very big benefit. And so far I'm the one validating my kids emotions every day from 4.30 -7.30 when she comes from school upset. I'm very validating person ,however. We do not validate behaviors that disturb other people.

amother

Canary

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:07 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

I just want to comment on your statement about PANDAs, I’m so sorry your child went through that, I understand how hard it is. But if a child with PANDAS is bullying other kids that’s still not OK. If it is that extreme and long term, the child either has to be kept home or needs a shadow in school to make sure other kids aren’t being harmed.

amother

Maroon

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

I do everything you are saying here. I talk to my kids about good middos all the time, many times throughout the day, yet my 5 year old with ADHD has no impulse control and speaks very meanly to his friend. I try to stop it in it's tracks, but I can't physically tape his mouth or remove him from the situation (carpool). Your post is bizarre. How old is your oldest child? Having good kids is a gift from Hashem, count your blessings. Don't judge until you are in someone else's shoes (which you obviously are not). I know someone with 7 kids. After baby #7 is the first time they had to put locks on the cabinets, none of their children ever took things out and made a mess out of the cabinets. In my house on the other hand all my kids did and still do. You just can't compare situations if you're not there.
I'm sorry your child is being bullied. Please teach him skills to deal with this situation because he needs to have this skill for life.

And by the way, if your child has a hard time learning how to stand up to a bully, the bully has just as much of a hard time learning how to stop. Maybe you'll understand that comparison.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:15 pm

amother Maroon wrote:

it's wrong comparison. We never validate behaviors that hurt other people, regardless the reason. Yes emotions,not behaviors. It's inexcusable.

If your kid has ADHD, or pandas, it's different than regular child. I talk regular situation.

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm confused by this, can you explain? Was something the poster said not exactly bullying or is your child not exactly being bullied? Can you give examples?

Also, I haven't seen this answered yet, sorry if I missed it.

Have you spoken to the parent yet? If yes, what did they say? If not, why not?

What has the school said when you spoke to them about how they're going to protect your child from bullying?

Also, I totally get the motherly instinct to be angry that your child has to endure bullying in school. I'm confused why you think a parent has any control over what their child is doing when they're not even there. Have they even been told about this situation?

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:29 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

But we can make sure that we are very on top of it & in touch with the school about it & make sure that our kids are getting the intervention they need & know that their parents are taking it seriously.

I'm still confused about this thread, but maybe op can clear it up and my response here won't apply. But when I see this, I think, imagine your kid is okay at home and gets along with their friends, but is very insensitive to one kid at school and nobody tells you. Not the school, not the parent, of course not your kid. How are you going to "stay on top of it"?

amother

Maroon

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

Huh? Who's talking about validation? I said that you need to teach your kids skills to stand up to a bully. And that the same way your child will have a hard time obtaining that skill, a bully will have a hard time learning to stop. It's actually very comparable.