To the person whose kid bothers my kid in school

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:32 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

I'm confused by this, can you explain? Was something the poster said not exactly bullying or is your child not exactly being bullied? Can you give examples?

Also, I haven't seen this answered yet, sorry if I missed it.

Have you spoken to the parent yet? If yes, what did they say? If not, why not?

What has the school said when you spoke to them about how they're going to protect your child from bullying?

Also, I totally get the motherly instinct to be angry that your child has to endure bullying in school. I'm confused why you think a parent has any control over what their child is doing when they're not even there. Have they even been told about this situation?

its not exactly bullying

amother

Zinnia

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:37 pm

OP, your post comes across as very much holier than thou. Just wait until you have a child with a strong personality. For a child like this, they are with others for hours on end, and they behave 90% of the time. Yes they slip up sometimes. You are shaming this kid and her mom for the kids supposed bad middos. Let me tell you that it takes our entire lifetime to work on bad middos. So your kid is a very passive kid. That’s not necessarily the best middah either just a more socially acceptable one. If there is no dysfunction, I guarantee you the mother is working with the kid to the extent they are aware of the issue. More likely that there is dysfunction at home so you’re judging the mom does not help at all. You need to get off your high horse that your children are perfect.

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

its not exactly bullying, its a group of kids that disturb the class. I don't understand how it's possible that a parent would 1. be mechanech, 2. allow their kid to be in this situation/no be aware their own child is going down the hill.

Example: My daughter takes a sit by the table during chanukah chagiga, then she was called to get smth on the stage. This girl takes her sit, and tells her -too bad, now I'm sitting here, I wanna sit with my friends. My daughter answers that if she wants to sit with her friends, they all move, they don't occupy her spot and kick her out,she already was sitting here, she just stepped away from the table, and her plate with her doughnut bitten is also there. No,it's not bullying, yes, it's annoying.

So I think you mean that she's not targeting your child but is in a group that's maybe cliquey or not very nice generally?

Your daughter comes home crying for hours every day about this? How old is she? How long is this going on for?

Have you spoken to the school? Have you spoken to the parents?

pinkpeonies

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:42 pm

amother Canary wrote:

I just want to comment on your statement about PANDAs, I’m so sorry your child went through that, I understand how hard it is. But if a child with PANDAS is bullying other kids that’s still not OK. If it is that extreme and long term, the child either has to be kept home or needs a shadow in school to make sure other kids aren’t being harmed.

I literally didn’t write anything about what we did at that time. Way to judge. And until you have a child with pandas ch”v, don’t comment. It’s nothing like a child with a regular behavioral problem. And yes I did have my child home from school and didn’t allow him to go to friends, but that’s again, none of your business.

amother

Bronze

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:43 pm

I didn’t read everything. I just wanted to say it’s about time we stop blaming parents for the way their children turn out. It’s possible the parent puts in endless time, pain, and sacrifice for the child and the child still turns out with many flaws. Some children are born with challenges and they are difficult children to raise and some are born with naturally “good” traits. We don’t know the details of anyone’s personal family history, genetics, etc to be able to blame an individual person for the type of child they have. It’s like saying to a Rabbi, all your knowledge and credentials is garbage because you have a son who is OTD.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:44 pm

amother Zinnia wrote:

my kid is not any passive or bad, and yes I am in general critical of people who tell other people what to do with children, but their own children is not something I would want to see in my home. I am so bad for calling this parent out!omg! I am terrible)

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:45 pm

amother Bronze wrote:

you know what, we had a rabbi whose daughter in law wears short skirt and posted her pictures with no sheitel after she got married. Trust me, I won't take tochacha from his wife about my own frumkeit.....

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:49 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

I think OP is either just young and naive or is being purposely obtuse. Or she can’t understand nuances of behavior
It takes a lifetime to work on middos. And I’m sorry, your child isn’t getting bullied. She is dealing with a difficult social situation. May you never ever know real bullying

yes for sure I dont understand nuances of behavior! This thread is hilarious.

amother

Bronze

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

May you never know of the pain that child’s mother and that Rabbi had to endure. And then on top of that pain, know that people like you judge them and discredit them for the situation.

Just because you’re a therapist or a Rabbi doesn’t mean that your entire family and extended family is perfect.

Do you also blame a doctor if his child has a disease? Doctors preach how to prevent illness. How can you trust him if his own child is sick?

lamplighter

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:52 pm

You have 3 options here that may help:

1) call the school/teacher
2) call the mother
3) build up your child
Best would probably be do all three.
One option is not rant on a frum woman's forum about another woman and her career as a phony because of what you deem is bad parenting.

May you never know what its like to be parenting your ---- off and your child still not getting it. From the judgement dripping off your words I can tell that you have never been challenged in this way. Let me tell it is hell and people like you make it even worse.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:56 pm

amother Bronze wrote:

one second, one second. That rabbi used to tell us what to do and judge my actions as right or wrong. And give me tochaha if we didn't do something halahically right. They still accept their son and not so frum daughter in law with love, because it's their family. Let's not have double standards,okay. If you accept someone lovingly, accept me, as well. Don't forgive stuff to your daughter in law, but come to me with tochachot. I can understand other people's pain, their circumstances etc. But first thing is -they have to understand how I feel, and we can work on things from there. You cant tell me to stick my feelings somewhere and understand someone else because other people's actions bother me. If a rabbi comes strong at me for wearing (one time) short socks and long skirt, can he please not pretend its okay his DIL wears short skirt? If someone's kid bothers mine, they have to know about it. I really didn't want to approach the mother, but I guess I will.

amother

Quince

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:58 pm

For all you saying your kid has an issue of control or some diagnosis then your kid needs a shadow period. Your child can’t have free rein to damage other children. The same way them physically beating up others wouldn’t be tolerated they can’t verbally or emotionally hurt others. I can 100% see the difference in parents of the bullies. They are all full of themselves and think their kid is perfect. I have yet to meet someone who truly models and teaches middos and has a neurotypical kid that bullies.

And based on posts here people don’t actually teach their kids boundaries and empathy. There is a lot of self centeredness or not my problem attitudes. Everyone needs to do better. The bullying is out of control.

amother

Zinnia

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 12:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

I will respond to each of your points.

My child is not passive. How do you know your child is not passive in this situation? Are you there in person? Have you had a third party assess her social skills?

Or bad. I never said your child is bad.

You are conflating bad parenting with “bad outcomes”. You can in fact be a great parent and your child still acts “bad” (using bad for lack of a better term but I actually think the child is working with what they were born with)

Yes, you are bad for calling out this parent in a way that has no tachlis whatsoever. If you are venting from pain that is fine but your judgement goes into the zone of attacking (as evidenced by the way you attacked the woman who said she was a parenting coach).

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ok, so I'm thinking about this more and I'm curious about the bigger picture. More about dd's happiness and social experience and less about who's right or wrong.

From one perspective, you can say good for your dd for standing up to a group of girls who wanted to take her seat. Another perspective, however, is that it's a bit unusual for a girl beyond a certain age to even want to stay in a seat and sit within a clique who just asked her to give her seat for another clique member. I'm hoping that the school provided enough seats and there was another place to sit with her class? Again, this isn't about what's right or wrong. It's about typical social behavior. Dd can dig her heels in about her chair, but at a certain social cost, including to her dignity and self-esteem.

A child who was either more temperamentally flexible or socially savvy, upon seeing the other girl in her seat sitting with her clique, is more likely to just take her donut without saying anything and find another seat (assuming your dd is closer to 11yo than to 6). Why is it worth telling a girl to move from her friends just to so she can stay in the same seat?

I'm not saying anything about whether the other girls were kind or mean. But based on your example, I'm wondering if your dd is struggling with some social skills that can really impact her happiness in the long run.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:07 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

someone asked her? She stepped away and the girl told her "too bad,now this sit is mine, we wanna sit here, find yourself another place". You seriously wrote all this above?I don't care what they want,someone stands in front of you on line and tells "too bad, I want to go in front"? You can ask nicely, you can't grab someone's spot and claim it's taken. It's not clear what's aggravating?)