To the person whose kid bothers my kid in school

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:08 pm

amother Quince wrote:

For all you saying your kid has an issue of control or some diagnosis then your kid needs a shadow period. Your child can’t have free rein to damage other children. The same way them physically beating up others wouldn’t be tolerated they can’t verbally or emotionally hurt others. I can 100% see the difference in parents of the bullies. They are all full of themselves and think their kid is perfect. I have yet to meet someone who truly models and teaches middos and has a neurotypical kid that bullies.

And based on posts here people don’t actually teach their kids boundaries and empathy. There is a lot of self centeredness or not my problem attitudes. Everyone needs to do better. The bullying is out of control.

This thread is apparently not about bullying. This is about a social struggle op's dd is having with a group of girls.

Things we still don't know, so I have no clue how any advice is useful.

- age range of op's dd
- whether OP has discussed this with the school
-whether the OP has discussed this with the parent iow, whether the parent even has a clue that there's an issue

I think the answer is no, bc the question was asked multiple times, and I don't see that op has answered.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:11 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

the school is working on it,no ,I didnt discuss with the mother. And based on the answers here I am afraid to.hear that "I can't be responsible, your anger is inappropriate, we cannot judge, I am not responsible for what my kid does".

amother

Canary

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:11 pm

pinkpeonies wrote:

I literally didn’t write anything about what we did at that time. Way to judge. And until you have a child with pandas ch”v, don’t comment. It’s nothing like a child with a regular behavioral problem. And yes I did have my child home from school and didn’t allow him to go to friends, but that’s again, none of your business.

I’m so sorry if I hurt you, it was unintentional. I wasn’t trying to judge you or make an assumption about how you handled or didn’t handle your child with PANDAS. But you replied to a mother who is having someone bully her child basically saying, it’s possible the bully has PANDAS. I replied that even if PANDAS is the cause it doesn’t mean the bullying can continue as is.

I understand your struggle because I currently have a child home from school with me due to PANDAS. And in the past I had a child who was shadowed in school due to PANDAS and had to pick them up early every single day from school when their shadow left.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:12 pm

I'm trying to imagine what she should do...

Dear moms of class 4A:

This is a public announcement that I am aware that my daughter Shpeontzy is a disruptive person. I have signed her up for weekly therapy, taken so many parenting classes/books, etc. of my own then I'm now considered an expert, have daily sensory time together, and speak endlessly about Middos at home. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, pandas, and ABCDQ disorder. I was very proud of the progress she had made, but apparently it's not enough. So I'm an awful parent.

Proof of diagnosis and interventions available upon request.

I was keeping this to myself, but I decided to share it publicly in order to protect myself from judgment.

Shpeontzy's Mommy

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:15 pm

amother Magenta wrote:

so how am I supposed to know the mother is on top ? Call her and say *your kid is bothering mine, what are you doing*. For me knowing the parent cares is enough. How do I find out if she does or doesn't?

amother

Green

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's a cop out. All you need to do is inform the mother nicely. A little nicer than you did here.

I'm not sure you're aware this is happening at school. I know it's normal for kids to do this but it's really hurting my child. If you can address this I would appreciate it.

amother

Daylily

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:17 pm

amother Green wrote:

The thing is, OP didn’t seem to realize it’s normal behavior and she’s very much blaming the mother. She needs to work through that (taking her ego out of the picture) and then she can speak to the mother

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

someone asked her? She stepped away and the girl told her "too bad,now this sit is mine". You seriously wrote all this above

I don't know you, but I was trying to be helpful and your post is mocking. Yes, I seriously wrote all that above. That's what we do on this site. We write.

You described a situation in which your daughter went away from her seat, returned, and found someone else there. The girl sitting there was sitting amongst her group of friends. Your dd asked the girl to move, to which the girl explained that she wanted to sit next to her friends. Your dd then told them that they could all get up and move just so she could retain her original seat.

Your dd placed the value of her retaining that particular seat over not only that group's desire to sit together, but over her own social currency in her class.

You can scream until the cows come home that they're mean or it was her seat or that it's all the other mom's fault. Your child won't be any better off socially and it's simply not helpful to her.

Bleemee

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

this is not exactly bullying. I really wholeheartedly believe that a role of the mother (one of ) is to teach her kids good middos. Not joking. If someone teaches other parents how to parent-it should not be included in the package? Good parenting is one that produces results ,no? I'm opening a can of worms?

Do you believe that? That good parenting is one that “produces results”?

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:27 pm

Bleemee wrote:

Do you believe that? That good parenting is one that “produces results”?

yes, I do. As long as you at least tried. I believe that I live my life and don't bother other people around me, and would want same for my kids. Live and let live.

Chayalle

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:28 pm

Bleemee wrote:

Do you believe that? That good parenting is one that “produces results”?

I'm not the OP but I believe that good kids are a gift from Hashem.
I know the nicest people who have struggled with kids who had behavioral difficulties, etc...(I have a close friend who is the biggest tzadeikes, kind and giving and sensible and an amazing devoted mother who has kids with "hidden" special needs and they struggle with social interactions, etc....)
You put in and you do what you can. But results? That's from Hashem.

I can't wrap my head around OP's thought process. Troll? This can't be for real.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

isnt it a neis, im controlling and angry, and my kids are socially bright, cute, giving, and nice to other people?

And what's your guarantee your children will stay socially bright, cute, giving, and nice to other people? Good kids is a huge bracha and its really nice to take the credit when things are going smoothly but you have no clue how your kids will turn out. And there are amazing parents out there who have kids who struggle. Parenting isn't a+b=c. You have no guarantee that even though you do the right things your kids will turn out well. So stop being so judgmental to other people because you have no idea if the tables will turn.

giftedmom

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 1:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

No. Good parenting is being a good parent. Children aren’t products.

imasinger

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:02 pm

OP, was the incident you described the only time your DD has been treated by this girl (and maybe others) as rudely?

Because I think your phone call would be more powerful if you can give several examples.

Bullying has been defined as repeated negative behavior targeted that is intended to make someone feel upset, uncomfortable, or unsafe.

Even if it's as seemingly insignificant as taking someone's seat when they're temporarily called away, especially if it's during a program, then yes, it's bullying.

Please do speak up.

giftedmom

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

for sure you tell them what to do-you tell them its forbidden to make fun of other people,call names, steal, hurt etc. etc. Your child is the product of who they are, the biological component, your parenting and society. It's not self -created life. That's why you teach and influence and mold,by not allowing things which are bad influence for them. Etc. Your child is not efker and at the age appropriate levels, until they are independent adults, you do tell them what they can or cannot do. And daven. For sure mother is responsible for her child, that is why children have parents. She is yes responsible for her reaction to her kids behavior, and lack of it, if it keeps happening. If a mechanech has non frum kids, something is not okay here, and it’s a big problem. I am responsible for my kids and I would feel embarrassed if they would grow as wild people with bad midos.its my kids and my achrayus to do most so they grow as good, nice yidden. If Hashem gives you child He trusts you can parent and be present for your kid, and do all for the kids benefit. Having good middos is a very big benefit. And so far I'm the one validating my kids emotions every day from 4.30 -7.30 when she comes from school upset. I'm very validating person ,however. We do not validate behaviors that disturb other people.

Pray that your words don’t come back to bite you

amother

Emerald

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

you know what, we had a rabbi whose daughter in law wears short skirt and posted her pictures with no sheitel after she got married. Trust me, I won't take tochacha from his wife about my own frumkeit.....

You lost my sympathy and understanding with this comment.
His dil is an adult whom he did not raise- why is he responsible?
And a parent cannot control what a child does in school
Ans some kids behave differently at home then at school.

honey36

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:09 pm

Here's another idea no one mentioned yet.

Why don't you invite the bully over for a playdate? Get a nice arts and crafts or other fun activity they can do together, and provide yummy snacks etc. If the girls are going to be in school together for a while, might as well get in her good side.
You can also find out when her birthday is and buy her a small gift from your DD, or encourage your DD to be extra nice to her in other ways, like compliment her randomly

I've done this for my kids when they have a classmate who they are complaining about for whatever reason. Works wonders. Sometimes they even become great friends.

bigsis144

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:11 pm

giftedmom wrote:

No. Good parenting is being a good parent. Children aren’t products.

Exactly.

Avraham had Yishmael. Yitzchak had Esav. Our children aren’t robots; they have bechira. As parents, we can control our input (and not even all of the input!), but the output is out of our hands.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:13 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Anyway, it turns out my hackles were right and op isn’t very nice. So yall can apologize now.

I am not nice, yes, I apologize to everyone who I triggered with me being so judgemental. It's a great excuse to bother my child, I am guilty that it happens, and it's absolutely okay. Love how you make conclusions about person's personality from post online) "you are not nice" It's precious.