PSA: If you're at a simcha & you get a call/text

amother

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:02 am

amother Cerise wrote:

Op I think they should’ve figured something out, but in their mind they probably thought by the time we drive that hour home he will for sure be sleeping etc….

Also please have in mind that sometimes a person can not leave the wedding for whatever reason, and cut them some slack.
My father is not alive and so my husband is the stand in dad at the wedding ps of my brother while I’m a huge emotional support for my mom and my siblings.
No matter what, I will not leave my siblings wedding.
The babysitters are usually aware of that and if need be they’re ready to give up this night of sleep for me.
Bh my kids have never acted up like that, and usually just sleep etc. but had they woken up, especially if I was far away I really would not leave the wedding.

It's not a siblings wedding. It's a nieces wedding.
And if you know that you absolutely cannot leave a wedding come what may, then take along your baby, hire a sitter at the hall, send baby to a local sitter near the hall.

NechaMom

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:03 am

amother Cerise wrote:

In such a case, one can always take the baby along and hire a babysitter for pay at the wedding. A parent is always responsible for the child. You cannot say that no matter what happens to my child I will not leave a wedding. You can always take the kid along.
Also, you said your babysitters are aware that you will not come no matter what and are ready to give away the night for you. Very different than op who was pushed to do this favor after they promised that the kid sleeps. She wasn’t paid and never agreed to be up until 3:30 a.m. with a shrieking toddler.

Last edited by NechaMom on Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:10 am; edited 1 time in total

WhatFor

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:10 am

amother OP wrote:

She just kept saying that she's sorry & feels bad.
I don't think her husband refused to leave.

In her text responses to you, she's saying she's sorry, she feels bad, but she doesn't even leave? Can you be honest with her when you see her? That's unacceptable. It's very easy to tell someone you feel bad while staying for the afterparty.

Her "feeling bad" doesn't help you in the slightest if her feelings don't translate to actions. That sounds like a cop out.

imaima

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:14 am

amother Cerise wrote:

You cannot justify neglecting your child because you need to be a substitute for a deceased person. A death leaves a void but your child is not the orphan here. He/she shouldn’t suffer from this

amother

Sage

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:29 am

Op,
What chutzpa the parents have! This falls into the category of no good deed goes unpunished. It was so very kind of you. That should have left asap. And to be honest, while it was completely inconsiderate what they did to you and your kids, you will get over the missed sleep. I’m more worried about how they care about their own child and how often they don’t prioritize his needs. They sound like selfish people.

Random ladies of the internet,
Thank you for teaching me, once again how entitled recipients are and to never do a favor for anyone. Not to babysit, not to make meals unless I am a gourmet cook, cooked 3x the amount needed-that afternoon and took specific orders, and not to host for Shabbos for someone’s simcha (unless I have a brand new suite with its own entrance, luxury private bathroom, 5* hotel quality beds/bedding, perfect thermostat they can control, enjoy food remnants left on my couch, my children’s toys destroyed…..)

WhatFor

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:47 am

Sebastian wrote:

Op they were wrong. I dont get the earlier responses. I would come home even with a paid sitter. Not nice

I actually get the earlier responses but for a different situation. If someone plans and agrees to watch your kid overnight, I wouldn't expect them to call the parents to come unless things were really crazy. Otherwise, the expectation is that you signed up to potentially be inconvenienced, and you try to stick it out. In OP's case, she said pushing the baby in a stroller got him to be quiet. If I agreed to babysit in advance, I wouldn't call the parents to come get him just because I need to rock him in a stroller to keep him quiet.

But OP's situation doesn't really sound like a voluntary babysitting event. I'm not sure what happened in advance but it sounds like OP made it clear that she really wasn't available for the inconvenience, they promised it wouldn't be an inconvenience (dumb promise, and maybe not the wisest to accept, but I could see myself thinking that I'll be a bit mevater if they're that desperate and the kid is supposedly that easy). Then she only messaged them around midnight, and they still hadn't left 3 hours later... I'm struggling to understand what they were thinking.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 1:25 pm

NechaMom wrote:

I do keep them in the hall with a sitter up to a certain age.
And send them to someone if I expect them to be okay. But if not that person is ready to deal with it.

In a real emergency I’d obviously go!

amother

Poppy

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 1:26 pm

It sounds like op was pushed into doing the favor, and promised the baby would sleep. Yes, realistically it's possible the baby won't sleep, but ime it's an unspoken rule that the babysitter is only there until either the agreed time, or if there's an issue with the kids.
What we've done in the past is only one of us would leave early when necessary. When my sister got married recently and we attended the sheva brochos. We booked the babysitter until 10.30-11 but it started very late and it was only part way through, but the babysitter couldn't stay later, so one of us went home and the other stayed until the end and got a ride with another family member. It didn't need both of us coming home, but it did need one of us.
Part of being a parent is having to be responsible, even when we don't want to be. I don't really get these posters who are saying it's fine to leave a screaming child for hours because the parents want to stay longer at the wedding. Yes, I know the mitzva tantz is a heilige zach but if your child needs you, they need you. I get if it's less than an hour into the wedding and you haven't even sat down at the meal, that you might ask the babysitter to try and get them to sleep, but if it isn't working, what else can you do?

Cheiny

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 1:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

That your baby/toddler is crying for hours & is refusing to sleep, please go pick them up! Even if it's a close wedding!
It's 3 AM. I let parents know 3 hours ago that their child is refusing to sleep, & they didn't leave the wedding right then. I'm so so annoyed. The kid is still awake & parents aren't here yet.
(They're supposed to pick him up after the wedding. Chassidish wedding with mitzvah tanz.)

That’s awful. How inconsiderate. All you can do is never babysit for them again.

Cheiny

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 1:32 pm

amother Chestnut wrote:

I also would not leave unless there was a real emergency. Part of agreeing to babysit (paid or not) includes the possibility of a baby crying or waking up or having trouble falling asleep. Or being up the whole time. You can hope that everything will go smoothly but you can never expect it when it comes to kids..

I agree with above poster that I would have offered to compensate afterwards, most likely by sending you a gift or gift card somewhere, just because I felt bad and would have really appreciated the trouble you went through. But I wouldn’t have left the wedding, no.

It’s unreasonable and beyond inconsiderate to expect someone who was nice enough to agree to do a favor and babysit, to have to stay up past 3am and deal with a child who is continuously crying and can’t be calmed down. That is beyond what should be imposed on a babysitter, especially one who was nice enough to volunteer to do so. One parent should leave the wedding and deal with the child.

NechaMom

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 1:53 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

Ok, that’s a whole different scenerio if it was discussed in advance and agreed to.

Sebastian

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 1:57 pm

WhatFor wrote:

Expecting your sibling to stay up till 3 am pushing your toddler is very entitled. They shouldve came to pick him up

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 1:58 pm

imaima wrote:

You cannot justify neglecting your child because you need to be a substitute for a deceased person. A death leaves a void but your child is not the orphan here. He/she shouldn’t suffer from this

I’m not neglecting my child more than a working mom leaving her child every day by a sitter.
I leave the child in a familiar environment, in a safe space with a caretaker that the child has a relationship with.
The child is being dealt with by a familiar adult, and baring a real emergency the adult will stay with and make the child feel safe through their issues.

amother

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:03 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

Expecting someone to say up with your crying baby till after 3AM, is absolutely not the same as baby being at their daytime sitter. Nighttime is generally harder on the child.

imaima

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:05 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

People leave work if their child needs them. The same should apply to weddings

amother

Pistachio

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:05 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

I don’t know any working mothers that hear their child has been crying at a babysitter for hours and wouldn’t leave work to go get them. And I can’t imagine my mother would value my emotional support if she knew that I was leaving a child under those circumstances.

amother

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:06 pm

Sebastian wrote:

Expecting your sibling to stay up till 3 am pushing your toddler is very entitled. They shouldve came to pick him up

And after an hour, I just didn't have the energy to rock the kid in the stroller anymore. I was dizzy & my arm hurt.