How horrible is it to change a bracelet bought for a kallah

amother

Aster

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 8:12 pm

I was actually an extremely nervous kallah and I doubted my decision the entire engagement. I spoke to several Rabbanim who gave me clarity and I am currently the happiest wife Smile

I really recommend reaching out to a good Rabbi or Dating coach (but please research them before!!!!!!!!!!!)

Good Luck!!!

amother

Bluebell

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 11:00 am

It's true She could just be a nervous kallah ( does she tend to over analyze and be indecisive? is she very young?.first guy she's dated) Any or all of those can contribute to her not feeling gaga.....
OTOH either way she must spk to someone...sem teacher, rebitsen, life coach...ideally someone who knows her...and while a broken engagement may terrify you it's miles away from a divorce or a miserable marriage.
she and.you should daven for clarity...

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 11:26 am

amother OP wrote:

Dd was very nervous to say yes

but she did

and she got engaged

and she is now having commitment regret if that's a thing

on top of that she is devastated with the bracelet she got

it's just.....very cheap and fake looking and below standard of her friends

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW

but how do I deal with this?

You become her best friend, support whatever decisions she makes, whatever she wants. Let her talk, let her cry, let her scream, let her decide what SHE wants to do and reassure her there are no wrong decisions, she needs to follow her gut. If she wants to prolong the engagement and continue dating, thats ok. If she wants to take a week vacation alone to think, ok, If she wants to take a break from the guy , fine. If she wants to return the bracelet for now, ok. Or You can put it aside and not return it.
She needs you.No pressure, no judgements, no teasing, just an open ear.

amother

Milk

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 11:41 am

What I really think she should do is as follows:
1) take a two week break. Don’t think about him don’t walk about him. Don’t text him or call him or send messages thru another person.
2) after the two weeks she should evaluate how she feels and she should make her decision.
3) if she chooses to continue then she can ask if she can exchange the bracket for another.

amother

Milk

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 11:43 am

amother Milk wrote:

That is during those two weeks no wedding talk or planning either.

After that she should evaluate.
Did she miss him during those times? If yes then she’s just very nervous.
If she didn’t miss him she can decide to continue dating him to see if there’s a connection or she can call it off in a way it won’t hurt the chossens feelings.

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 11:45 am

amother Milk wrote:

I don't know if this is possible for a Kallah in some circles. If my son's Kallah did that, I'd be very worried about their future and would be getting HIM advice on how to proceed. It would be a big red flag for me.

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 11:49 am

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

I would not trust a kallah teacher on this.

It certainly depends on the quality of the KT, but there are some out there that are really fantastic.

One of my DD's is best friends, for many years, with the daughter of a very popular KT in Lakewood. I'm privileged to know her well, and I know that one of the things she does with her Kallahs is ascertain that they are emotionally invested in the relationship with their Chosson and ready to marry him. I know that she has saved some girls from divorce or marriage of unhappiness, and has helped others to build their relationship with their Chosson and feel more ready for marriage.

My daughter also had a marvelous KT.

I'd trust some of the really good ones in Lakewood and I'm sure they exist elsewhere. Some of them are really good at what they do and committed to our daughters.

amother

Milk

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 11:49 am

Chayalle wrote:

True.
OP didn’t specify if she’s chassidish or litvish.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 12:02 pm

Sounds to me like she just wanted to get engaged to get a bracelet so she could be like all her friends. And if she had gotten the bracelet she wanted, she would have been on cloud 9.

I never got a bracelet and my ring is so tiny, but I would have never in a million years hurt dh's feelings. And I was on cloud 9 when we got engaged.

You need to speak to someone ASAP. Don't hurt this boy and his family.

And don't let your daughter date again any time soon.

amother

Crocus

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 12:14 pm

I agree with sienna.
My husbands family is from a different world so to speak. I didnt get any typical kallah presents. In fact all I did get was an ugly china set, and my husband try to scrape a few dollars to get me some jewlery- happened to be a bracelet. He was finishing school at that time. Tbh I dont like the bracelet itself at all, but I was so grateful that he tried to get me something and it could have been a card lol it was a beautiful gesture from someone special to me. Nowadays he is the sole provider bh w 5 years of marriage and 2 kids. He offers to buy me something every so often but I decline. Jewlery is not a reflection of your relationship. If she cared about him the bracelet wouldnt matter. She needs to think about marriage long and hard. Hatzlacha

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 12:30 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

To me it sounds like there was pressure. Why on earth did she get engaged if she was nervous to say yes? I'd do everything I could to make sure my DD felt sure about her yes before she said it.

Now her feelings are coming out, including the bracelet she doesn't even like, from a Chosson she may not feel so connected to.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 12:43 pm

OP it sounds like this is your first daughter.

You can relax. I have been through the wringer with a few of them.

There's a thing called buyers remorse and it even happened to one of my children that dated for a very long time.

She hated the bracelet. Looking at it made her feel that she didn't want this boy after all.

I knew the boy very well so I was chilled about it. I knew he is a gem and she will love him but at the moment she is simply afraid if she made the right choice.

It took a few weeks for her to come around and start dreaming about him again.

I asked around and heard that many kallahs get a budget from the mechitonim and then they add money to the piece if they want something nicer.

Knowing that I decided to speak to them and ask if she can be involved in the jewelery more.
They were ultra kind about it and were happy to accommodate bh.

amother

DarkGreen

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 12:59 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

To me it sounds like if she was happy with the boy she would've been thrilled with any bracelet, but since she has doubts on the boy the doubts are on the physical object also.

Just FYI not every kallah likes the jewelry that her chassan gives her and it's really hard. It doesn't mean that she's not greatful for it - it means it hurts that you have to wear something that you don't like. You never let anyone know that- but that twinge is allowed to be there and I can validate that.

amother

Butterscotch

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 1:02 pm

amother Dill wrote:

I think the bracelet issue is just a result of the main, more important issue. I absolutely hated my kallah bracelet but I was the happiest kallah ever. I wore the (hideous) bracelet for sheva brachos and then whenever I was at my in laws for the first year. After that, I never wore it again. A few years later I bought myself a beautiful bracelet that I love.

Me too.

Never bought muself the bracelet I love, but surviving that too. Very Happy

Married 20+ years.

amother

NeonPink

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 1:16 pm

My dd isn't old enough for shidduchim yet, but I do remember the angst of being a kallah. My mil is not the most socially clued in person. And she had quite definitive ideas of what kallah jewellery is, which wasn't the norm, or anything I would like. I am forever grateful to my sil for being firm and going with my mil and picking out some more tasteful choices.
And I remember being young and naive and thinking my ring choice was the biggest deal in the world and I spent many hours going to several jewellers before finding what I liked. And none of it had anything to do with my then chosson. I have never doubted my decision to marry my dh, but the engagement period was incredibly tense and I felt pulled in all directions to please my family, his family, my chosson and finding it all really difficult.
I think you need to unpick what is going on and why she is feeling this way? Is it coming from a place of she wants to be like her friends, and if she isn't getting the same things as them, she's rethinking who she's marrying? Is it simply a feeling of overwhelm at this big decision? Or is there really something there that is concerning?
And fyi my bracelet broke a couple of years into marriage. I put it aside in a safe place to have it repaired and never found it again.

amother

Coffee

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 1:16 pm

I wonder if OP is the same from the thread titled something like Panicked Kallah, who got engaged based on people telling her it's fine not to have feelings they'll come after the wedding. and she was panicked (obviously) after she got engaged.
Sounds similar.

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 1:20 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Agree.

And I'm actually one of those people who hated my Kallah bracelet, which is odd really cuz I'm not even so ultra in jewelry, but it was this super chunky gold bracelet that was just too big for my tastes. I would have preferred something narrow, more delicate especially as I'm not such a big person..... I wore it all the years until my MIL AH passed away, after which I traded it in for something I liked.

BH I liked DH enough that the bracelet didn't matter so much in the scheme of things....

amother

Dustypink

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 1:30 pm

One of my sister in laws went crazy with her jewelry and my parents had to change her ring setting twice. It left a very very sour taste. Bracelets, they got a choice.
Personally I feel that if you like the guy enough that you want to marry him then the jewelry shouldn't make an ounce of a difference.
I happen to have got a choice in bracelets. Still don't love mine but that's ok. Ring my dh picked on his own! I am so grateful he took the time to pick it for me and pick something he thought I would love. He did tell me he doesn't mind if I change the setting at any point but I was so happy he took cares enough about it to pick it for me.

I think you should evaluate if your daughter wants to marry this boy. It seems she was pressured and is not sure and the jewelry is just another bummer.

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 16 2024, 1:35 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

Personally I feel that if you like the guy enough that you want to marry him then the jewelry shouldn't make an ounce of a difference.

I don't think it should make a difference in the relationship and feelings for the Chosson. However most people wouldn't mind if there was a need for an exchange (as long as they don't go too crazy I guess). It's a little bit of a bother, but not such a big deal. My DD is very petite and her bracelet had to go back to have links removed, otherwise it slid right off her wrist, and her MIL was happy to do that for her. An exchange would be a similar trip.
My daughter loved that her MIL asked her what she liked in a ring. She loves simplicity and would have said thank you so much to an elaborate setting, but her simple, raised Tiffany-style setting is exactly her taste. For many girls, jewelry is like clothing and can be personal.