What’s your opinion about this invite? update pg 4

amother

Amaryllis

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

Now in general responding to posts who questioned.
They aren’t the most capable to accommodate physically, mentally etc..and I guess we were always looked at as the family that can fend for themselves….

But I’m not sure the invite can get better than this…from them….so do I never go?
They’re probably thought a lot into this invite and feel like they are giving so much of themselves! And extending themselves….beyond their usual.

If this is the case, I'd do whatever I can to go & make it work.

amother

Stonewash

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

Okay, so if they are just incapable of accommodating more (I can definitely understand if they are sick and/or very old) but there is no bad blood between you and they'll be genuinely happy to see you, then I think you should go.

amother

Amaryllis

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:32 pm

amother Brown wrote:

As a daughter, I liked your post.

And then I thought about it a bit. I'm really not sure that I'll always be able to cope with my married children (hypothetical, my kids are still young) being around before YT. I find these days really really stressful. I wonder what will be then. And I hope my kids won't hate me for not always being able to accomodate like I would love to be able to.

You can go for them if you're unable to accommodate. I know so many people that like this arrangement better.

thatworn

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:36 pm

Wouldn't it just be easier and cheaper to stay home for Pesach and visit them another time? Can you seriously pack up 10 days worth of snack food/breakfast food, find a place to sleep and spend all the time that you are not eating meals at their house, organise Shabbos before YT, etc? My head is spinning just thinking of the logistics of this. It is important to spend time with family but in a functional way.

lamplighter

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:37 pm

You may enjoy having your own space. Better that they are honest with their limitations then you go and are messed over.
It doesn't sound malicious it sounds like this is what they capable of, give your children the gift of a new experience (overseas trip) and extended daily time and memories.

amother

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:45 pm

thatworn wrote:

It’s cheaper and easier to stay home for sure.
but not sure if another time is viable- with school, and yeshivah and we can’t come without an invite…
I will probably open my pesach kitchen and bring along baked goods. But buy breakfast foods and fruits etc at the destination.
Shabbos before yom tov I don’t have an answer for…

amother

Bisque

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

It’s funny, because they do keep doing that - we host them a lot(on our dime). And probably think it’s instead of us coming to them,
But what most don’t chap is that while we see the grandparents our family ends up missing out on ever seeing our aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins great grandparents etc…which I think is really important.

Do your aunts, uncles, siblings, etc. all live in the same city, or are they only there for Pesach?

If they live there, then go whenever is more convenient. Find your own accomodations. If parents object, say you're coming to visit the rest of the family.

But I would not go for Pesach. Any other time, I would go.

amother

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:47 pm

amother Amaryllis wrote:

You can go for them if you're unable to accommodate. I know so many people that like this arrangement better.

If you meant, you can host them instead of you going, please realize that while this happens my family misses out on a relationship with any sibling aunt uncle, cousin great grandparent living overseas which is important!

thatworn

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:50 pm

If you can not come without an invite, maybe tell them that you really can't come under these circumstances, as it would be a lot more work and expense for you but you'd love to see them another time. Ask which other possible times would work over the next year or so and try to plan a shorter visit at a less stressful time. Let them know that you understand you need an invite and that you are looking forward to another invite but give you some notice as to possible times (could you come for Shavuous, is there a part of the summer that would work, how about Channukah break, etc)

amother

Stoneblue

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:56 pm

My in-laws live abroad and we are the only one of their kids who don't live near them.
Money is very tight for us, whereas they could afford to fly us out to visit them. For us we would need to dip into our already meager savings to afford it.
They have this idea that whatever they give one child they have to give the rest, so if they'd pay for our tickets, they'd have to give the equivalent amount to the other kids, therefore they don't want to pay.
I think it's absurd. The other kids get regular shabbos invites, my MIL watches their kids after they have a baby for a week or so, they occasionally move in for Yom Tov, etc. I come home from hospital to all my kids, and I'm making Yom Tov, etc. And they don't just need to be gifted hundreds of dollars for no reason. It's no picnic to fly with 3 kids so it's not like they're sponsoring a fancy vacation for us (I also hate the place they live, so definitely not a break for me).

I have told my husband he can visit if he feels he needs to, but if his parents want to see the kids, they will need to pay the flights. We can't afford to and if it's important enough to them they can get past their ideas and part with some money. My FIL has a very good job bH, ok they aren't millionaires but no reason to make your kids who are already struggling struggle even more.

OP I totally get you. The mature thing is maybe to force yourself. Personally I'm too resentful to do that but if you can, kol hakavod.

amother

Canary

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Based on this response I think it would make more sense to just go a different time to see the rest of your family. You're paying your way anyway, might as well be enjoyable and convenient for you

scintilla

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:02 pm

amother Canary wrote:

Based on this response I think it would make more sense to just go a different time to see the rest of your family. You're paying your way anyway, might as well be enjoyable and convenient for you

This 1000%.

OP, I have dysfunctional family and we do make huge efforts to go see them which is very draining and difficult but one of my hard lines in the sand is never going for Pesach, it would push me past my limits. We go in the summer or for Sukkos when there is lots of action out of the home and it's a good distraction for my kids. But you have to know your limits and what you would be able to do without it negatively affecting your relationship (feeling resentment towards them counts btw). Staying by them is never an option for us btw.

amother

DarkGreen

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

An invitation like this is way easier for the summer or even succos when the food is less complicated. "thanks so much, but it sounds like it's too complicated for us to come to x for pesach, but maybe we can work out to some for a week in the summer, we'll keep an eye out for flights and rental houses. "

socialbutterfly

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:13 pm

I wouldn't go.

Sounds like more of a hassle than it's worth.

Doesn't sound like the most pleasant environment either.

Maybe YT isn't the right time to make that trip. Maybe a different time of year?

Last edited by socialbutterfly on Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:14 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Bluebonnet

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:14 pm

I think you need to be realistic about what you are able to handle.

What is this experience worth to you? And to your children?

I think honestly with a family full of kids your own space is much nicer & easier.

Yom tov is the nicest to spend the time with family, its leisurely (minus the cooking which happens unless you go to hotel).

As a person who grew up far from family and grandparents visited sometimes, the memories of the few times I went to them is immeasurable. You can't really place a value on it, especially y"t.

So if you think it's a vacation invitation, its not. Instead of the usual work you are trading off.

So what value do you place on this experience and are you willing to trade this set of work for a different version?

So be real to yourself about what you feel capable of doing. And maybe part of you resents not having the luxury that others have with full vacation invites, but most people don't get those. Some do but not everyone is them.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:20 pm

STAY HOME! OP this is No invite. Not sure what the whole story is here but it's not a welcome, we are soooooooo happy to see you invite. I have no problem with finding a place to stay, renting your own car, but feed yourselves in the morning and snacks. I would say, ''I wish we could be with you but this year isn't gonna do, maybe next year''.

amother

Crocus

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 8:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

On the off chance that in the past I did mention in passing about maybe coming..it was usually shut down….

I'm having a bit of a hard time with this.
You'd need to pay for your own flights, figure out your own accomodations and food, figure out your own transportation, and you have other family there that you'd love to visit. Where is it your parents' place to tell you if you can or can't come when the most inconvenience they'll experience is being told which week they need to make themselves available to see you?
I think if you want to go and have your kids meet family they wouldn't otherwise, you should plan a time that works well and has good flight prices, etc. and just plan a trip.

seeker

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 10:22 pm

One big missing factor is whether "overseas" is a place that has strong access to kosher food, including convenience foods that would be helpful when traveling. If you live in Botswana and overseas is Boro Park, go for it, you'll have the amenities you need to make it happen. But if you're heading to some desert where if you forgot to pack the tuna nobody will be able to eat and your parents aren't feeding you either, I'd try really hard to make a non-pesach visit happen. Everything is easier when it's not Pesach.

amother

Gladiolus

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 10:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

If it’s important to you to see extended family, go on a trip with your kids sometime that suits you better. You anyway need to buy tickets and find accommodations. Why would you think it’s a good idea to do this on Pesach?! It’s not. You’ll be exhausted and unhappy. You’ll have to prepare your own breakfasts and snacks on Pesach in a strange place? There’s too much potential here for all kinds of disasters. Go introduce your kids to all their cousins and family members. Make it an unforgettable fun vacation. Don’t do it Pesach.