Sad about daughter’s hair covering choices

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 5:24 am

amother OP wrote:

Wow, the responses are all so kind. Thank you for understanding.

My daughter had been thrilled with her sheitels. She loved getting them and we paid extra to get her especially nice ones.

Her husband is a really nice guy and I doubt he’d say anything to make her feel bad, even though it’s unheard of in their circles (young kollel couples).

It makes me worry about my daughter and my other kids. They seem like good regular kids that daven and do everything you’re supposed to. How real is their Yiddishkeit though, deep down? I know I can’t really understand my daughter’s nisayon but I’m trying to. It seems like she cares more about looking good than about halacha. I feel so sad for her. It must be so painful to feel that insecure. I keep going back in time and wishing I had raised her differently so she had more self confidence. But I don’t know what I could have done differently. I raised her like all my other kids and they don’t have that insecure personality. I was warm and loving and gave them lots of attention. She just always worried about her looks and what people thought of her, way more than my other kids. I wish there was something I could do. I’ll keep davening of course.

Who says you were wrong? This is one mitzvah of many. Hair covering is so hard for many women even if they have nice sheitels. I definitely have gone through phases of some more hair out than not with my falls or tichels. I've been married 9 years and I feel like only a couple of years ago I really figured out what suits me. Some women just struggle with caring about looks, unfortunately our society puts a massive emphasis on it. I mean just look at all the posts about weight and being skinny on here. Why do we think it wouldn't influence us in other ways? Give your daughter some space to figure it out. The most important thing is to remember this has nothing to do with what you did. She is an adult and like all adults is figuring out what works for her and what doesn't. I am.a BT and my family was horrified when I became frum. It was awful. Now some 13 years later, it's like no big deal. Hang in there!

amother

Lemon

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 5:31 am

amother OP wrote:

It seems like she cares more about looking good than about halacha.

Have you discussed her style of haircovering with a rav? It may not be as much of a halachic problem as you think. I don't mean to discuss your daughter, but just to discuss the style of hair covering itself.

I understand why you may not want to specify here, since probably at least some imamothers cover the same way. But you should discuss it with a rav and see if it even is as much of an issue as you think.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 6:28 am

OP, I think sometimes a personal struggle can be really big. It doesn't mean that her yiddishkeit is superficial to her. It just means this is a struggle for her. Hashem made her with less self-confidence, and her life is a journey where she will hopefully discover confidence from within. Right now she is needing something external to fill herself. Give her space and love, and daven that Hashem help her have a healthy marriage and fill whatever she is missing inside.

amother

DarkPurple

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 6:38 am

I wasn’t comfortable covering the whole way I had a sheitel sitting around and only wore my fall with hair out for the first a few years I slowly got more comfortable covering fully and now am much more confident in fully covering my hair

It’s an adjustment and love her unconditionally it’s her own thing she has to feel comfortable with. It’s really tough being a mother and watching I see both sides.

amother

Violet

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 7:42 am

It's fine to be sad about it, we're allowed to have expectations of our kids and feel feelings when they're not met. As long as you don't say anything, it's fine.

That said, it doesn't necessarily mean anything for her yiddishkeit. I am very makpid to cover fully but cannot bring myself to daven (for various reasons I have a very complicated relationship with davening). If anything, her yiddishkeit is arguably deeper than mine if she's davening, even if I look the part. Or, neither of us is more frum or more connected than the other, we just have our struggles but struggle with different mitzvos.

amother

Blush

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 7:49 am

amother OP wrote:

I know people are going to love yelling at me.

I would never say this to my daughter, but I’m so disappointed by her hair covering choices. She’s in shana rishona. She chose, after we had spent $$$ on sheitels for her, to not cover her hair fully. It’s not because of pressure from people she cares about. It’s not coming from her husband. It’s not coming from her friends (the married ones all cover fully). She’s a regular BY girl who suddenly chose, after the first couple of weeks, to partially uncover.

She always struggled with self confidence, so I guess covering ended up being harder than she expected. I don’t know. I feel really sad and disappointed because I thought her Yiddishkeit was stronger than it is.

If it's not coming from her husband and friends who is it coming from?
I don't think there is anything wrong with pointing out to her that it's not right and this will lead to a different lifestyle when it comes to friends kids schools.... Unless she is looking to be more modern all together...
But if it's just this one area we sometimes have to learn to sacrifice our looks for the package deal.
Like we can't eat pizza all day and expect to be size 2...
What's with all this personal space? As a mom it's your job to tell her things that strangers wont....

Princess23

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 7:58 am

amother OP wrote:

Just let it be. Think about it this way, one day she may start covering, but if you don’t give her the sheitel or take it away, she’ll begrudge it and definitely not want to cover. I know because I was exactly like your daughter. I now fully cover. At first I didn’t cover at all.

amother

Wallflower

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 8:01 am

It could be that the full wigs are very uncomfortable for her to wear. I know people that get serious migraines from them who actually get a heter to cover differently.

As others have said, it’s a big adjustment and it could be she’s having a hard time with it now. She’ll start gradually and slowly get used to it.

In my own experience, I had a very hard time with Tznius up until my 30s. Once I had my boys, I matured and realized that it was important. I switched to full Shaitals and fully Tznius clothing and it’s not even hard for me anymore, because it was an internal choice and I was ready.

Give your daughter some space to adjust and figure herself out and she might come around. If you bother her about it, it’s less likely to be helpful.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 8:01 am

OP, I have actually heard of this often. Young ladies get married. Its their first time really being independent. They want to try new things. This for sure means trying clothing and head coverings that they may never have thought of back in their parents home. But now, married and their own person, they want to try things.
Just let her be. If her husband doesnt care, let them be. She is probably finding herself. And she is allowed to do that.

Princess23

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 8:09 am

amother Wallflower wrote:

You sound like someone I know, and I agree with you!

amother

Anemone

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 8:32 am

Op I understand it hurts you. The problem with your daughter uncovering some of her hair is that it’s not a choice of head covering like her deciding to wear a mitpachat instead of a sheitel or your son wearing a kippa and getting rid of the hat or shtreimel. Uncovering hair feels a lot worse because you know a married woman’s hair needs to be covered. It’s still your daughter’s choice though.
You had years to raise your daughter in your home. Now the years of guidance and instruction are over. She has a husband and they’re going to find their way. Your interference isn’t needed or appreciated in the home of your adult offspring. They’re in their own nest.
You can still be their loving mother, mother in law and hopefully grandmother. You can dispense love, gifts, hugs, cash, and pans of whatever their favorite foods are. Before you offer any of that, give them the gift of your silence. You can cry your pain into your Tehillim if your daughter makes choices that hurt your heart. That will help you be ready with a warm smile and a hug when you see her.

amother

Marigold

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 8:42 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

It doesn’t matter. Whatever she says someone else will say that it’s fine.
Maybe she’s walking around with her snood pushed back and lots of hair showing? Who knows? Whatever it is, it’s not something her mother would do and seems to be compromising on Halacha.

It does matter though. Yes, OP can feel badly if her child is less serious about halacha, but at the end of the day, there is a HUGE difference between showing some hair at the front vs having all your hair showing and covering with a baseball cap. If it's the latter I really feel her pain. If it's the former, I still feel her pain, but she has to look at the big picture. It's not unheard of and there are plenty real genuine frum people who show some hair at the front.

It might take her daughter some time to get used to this new mitzvah. She's going at her own pace. It's really not shallow to care about how you look as a newlywed. The change is very very difficult for some.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 8:44 am

amother Anemone wrote:

The daughter isn't fully uncovering her hair. And it may be that they want its partially uncovered (I.e. showing more hair with fall) could be fine in some communities and according to Rabbanim. A lot of hair covering and tznius is community dependent. Like I fully cover with a sheitel or a headband with a fall, but you hardly ever see a chassidish lady in the type of coverings I wear. Or you hardly see a dati leumi lady in the wigs I wear...and so on....

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 8:51 am

OP, this is the hardest mitzvah for me personally. I don't have any challenges with other mitzvot, but this one in particular is very hard for me! Luckily my dh opinion and of rabbis in our community that partially cover is okay, but I did not grow up thinking it's okay and I still struggle with this even though I'm married for over 10 years.
Don't assume she is struggling with other mitzvot, it could be this is the one that's particularly hard for her.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 9:00 am

It will pass.

In a year or a year and a half she will be a completely different person. This is a bit of "girl" still left over from becoming "woman." Baby stuff.

She has been through a huge life change: getting married. She is feeling hemmed in. This is the least harmful thing her unconscious mind could think of.

Say nothing at all. It WILL pass. But not quickly.

When she moves away from your orbit, and moves among the nice looking women of her husband's circle, slowly she will get the point from looking at how much better the other women look, with their beautiful wigs and scarves.

You can only back off and wait.