if youre being supported finacially by one side

abound

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 5:25 pm

amother Burntblack wrote:

I have a sib that my parents fly home 2x per year with wife and 6 kids. They bring them all.
They fly straight to his in laws home for 2 weeks and then come to my parents for 1-2 days only. My parents are tzadikim and understand that their dil needs her parents more despite having no money.
I am not such a tzadekes.

Some ways to be dan lekaf zechus.
*One of them are medically or emotionally unwell, she needs to go to her parents to keep the family together. Your parents know but wont tell anyone.
* Your brother does not want to work, she is unhappy abt it, this is ur parents way of keeping the peace again they wont tell u.
* There is some sort of addiction, that they need this

Etc etc

amother

Chambray

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 5:25 pm

amother Amaryllis wrote:

Juat because someone posts a please dont say anything post doesnt make this scenario ok at all. I wonder why the parents even bother flying them in twice a year.

Its definitely not ok. But I'm sure that parents who are paying put up with it because they know that saying anything will probably make a bad situation worse.
When people behave so unreasonably, just telling them not to doesn't usually help. If they were to say anything, they may risk losing their son altogether.

I'm not saying this is exactly what is going on in this situation. But I have witnessed enough family dynamics at play to know that you can't reason with everyone. There is a very good reason that these parents are putting up with this ridiculous situation.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 6:15 pm

OP, having lived in EY many years in your situation, I totally feel with you. Especially because everyone goes to usa during pesach, especially among younger couples. Most of your friends probably take turns each year, and you want to stay be by your parents Seder as well.

I also dont necessarily agree with some other posters that they make the decision for you, just because they support you does not mean they get to control you.

HOWEVER, it might help to change your mindset over here. Your In-laws are flying you in, so you can spend the Seder with them. It is a generous offer, one that you dont have to accept. BUT, if you accept it, you should appreciate it for what it is. If it doesnt work, you are welcome to fly yourself in, or make your own Yom Tov.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 6:32 pm

If OP were to fly themselves in it would still be with the inlaws' money because they are supporting them!

However, I do think that just because people are supporting a couple that doesn't mean they should call the shots. They should have alternated halves from the get go.

amother

Coffee

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 6:48 pm

amother Lawngreen wrote:

It does not work like this unless your In Laws are super Special and really flexible. Yes the Couple are adults, but support to a family is a whole story. If you do not want to answer to anyone, you need to support yourselves. We learn as we age, our Parent's Do not owe us anything. They are helping you from the Goodness of their heart.

amother

Charcoal

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 7:17 pm

amother Lawngreen wrote:

Money comes with strings attached. That's the way it is. You work to get paid. Nobody gets free money. Obviously parents need to be reasonable but it isn't so fair either to expect them to give and give for no return.

If her in laws are paying to have them for the seder then why should they alternate years? Yes it would be nice of them to allow it, but it's not a given. Maybe in laws will then say forget it we won't fly you in at all.

amother

Ballota

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 8:14 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

I actually have many neighbors from USA who make their own Pesach, with little kids.

And those who do fly in, it's usually the parents sharing the cost. Once one side is paying every time, then yes it completely changes the dynamic.

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 8:25 pm

amother Lawngreen wrote:

That’s not really how it works. Usually a couple is given a budget for their living expenses, if the couple decides to live off of rice and beans or cut back for a couple months to save up money for a vacation or something extra (like tickets to US), that’s their decision

They are providing a supplement income, they don’t own them. Obviously not all couples operate this way and usually it’s due to either super unreasonable supporting parents, or more often just a couple who doesn’t know how to create boundaries and stand up for themselves

Either way it is NOT the same as the parents specifically gifting tickets to the US for pesach so they can specifically spend pesach with the couple.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 11:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

my in laws support dh and I in kollel in EY. they pay for our tickets to america for pesach. does that mean that every single year we need to be by them for first days if they want us to be?
my parents would love to be able to support us too, they just dont have any money. My parents are also very sad bc they feel that in laws always come first and they wish we could be by them for first days.

Your parents have no right burdening you with their sad feelings.. They should be happy for you and support your relationship with your generous in-laws (its not a competition of who comes first....). Its OK to wish they could afford what your in laws can afford. Its OK to wish to spend more time with you. I pray their parnassa situation improves and they can. You can still call and send pictures and nurture a warm respectful and loving relationship between your kids and your parents. etc.

amother

Topaz

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 8:07 am

tichellady wrote:

I hope to care and value my children having a good relationship with their in laws

I don't know
I feel like these in-laws are still encouraging a good relationship with their kids in-laws.
They pay a few thousand dollars twice a year to bring their married kids in, and then happily let them spend the second days of Yom Tov by the inlaws.
That needs to be acknowledged as generous on its own.

They are however paying and want the married kids for the Seder. I think that's more than understandable.

amother

Hydrangea

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 8:15 am

I am beyond horrified at the responses on this thread.

My husband and I come from families where one side (ok, it was my side) did very well financially after we got married. As a consequence, my parents were constantly gifting us things, and they also helped us buy a house that would have been out of our budget otherwise.

I know it bothered my in laws a lot, and we went out of our way to show them (at least we tried) that my children and us do not favor one set of grandparents over the other. My husband's parents were still his parents! And my children's grandparents! They deserved a close relationship to both sides!!!!

I think there is something very lacking if the parents can't be generous and share their children with the other side as well. Money doesn't give you a right to be a jerk!!! Sorry, I had to say it.

amother

Wallflower

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 8:18 am

Op, have you ever discussed it with your in laws? Am I the only one that feels that if they really love their child/ dil then they'd be ok with taking turns? Otherwise I'd call them selfish. Yes, selfish. They are paying for tickets for their own honor and pleasure.

amother

Ballota

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 8:24 am

amother Hydrangea wrote:

This is very different than someone specifically paying for tickets because they want to spend Yom Tov with their children. AND they're graciously doing it while their children go to the other side for half of Yom Tov also.

amother

Ballota

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 8:29 am

Just a thought also. If OP's parents feel pushed aside, could this actually be due to their daughter not respecting them as much because all the money comes from her in-laws? Maybe it's not really about Pesach, but about the deeper dynamics at play here. I've seen this happening before.

Something for OP to think about.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 8:32 am

All those saying the in laws are rude, it sounds like they spend second days with her parents...

Also op, if this bothers you so much why don't you and/or your dh do some sort of small side hussle so you can pay your own way and go to your parents for the seder guilt free?

amother

Carnation

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 8:36 am

What happened to people having middos. So yes until now op did as told. But really do the in laws have to be so insensitive? Lucky them they can fly their kids home and want to see them pesach. Can’t they understand the other side does not have the means and wishes to spend sedarim with their kids too? I think the in laws are full of themselves. And let’s be real they only fly them home for selfish reasons of wanting to see their kid, not because they are helping their married kids out from the goodness of their hearts.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 8:43 am

amother Carnation wrote:

If they didn't have middos they would tell op to stay by them the whole yom tov. They support op fully I doubt they have no middos. Maybe op has no middos and isn't appreciative of all her in laws do. Or maybe it's just a miscommunication and if op would ask if she can go one year to her parents they would allow it.