To all those ladies who did *not* get a kalla siddur...

greenfire

Mon, Oct 06 2008, 12:08 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

On the day of my brother's engagement, a well meaning friend of my mother's frantically called her up to make sure that she knew about all the things that she was supposed to get for the engagement. Had she gotten the Kallah Jewelry? The flower arrangment for the Lechayim? Because you know that hell would break loose if it wasn't done just so.

see this is the issue - why should hell break loose - that would scare me away from the family ...

Ruchel

Mon, Oct 06 2008, 1:18 pm

greenfire wrote:

supposed list
flowers the first shabbos you are engaged as well as last shabbos before wedding
engagement ring/wedding ring/gold watch
silver shabbos candlesticks
set of shaas
gold watch
talis and embroidered talis bag
siddur with name for both
pearl necklace in the yichud room

never heard of many of them!

Raisin

Mon, Oct 06 2008, 2:18 pm

greenfire wrote:

DefyGravity wrote:

see this is the issue - why should hell break loose - that would scare me away from the family ...

that certainly depends on the family. I know my parents are very into things being done by the book - but only by them. they want to do things right, but they wouldn't be bothered if the other side didn't give the right presents at all.

ButterflyGarden

Mon, Oct 06 2008, 3:23 pm

We really didn't get any of those things. My parents bought DH a shas but it was a very cheap one (he picked it out) and my IL bought me very small pearl earrings to wear on our wedding day (I didn't have very much jewelry). There was no hocking from either side about gifts B"H. We asked only for things we needed (I already had a siddur I loved and candlesticks, DH's watch worked so why did he need a new one?). When BIL got engaged, the kalla's family right away started to make demands on what she should get and BIL's rebbi started to add things too. DH's family is not well off and couldn't afford candle sticks, a sheitle, jewelry, and all the other things. BIL's Rebbi actually started to set minimums on what he should spend. Our family just didn't have to money. My IL tried to fulfill the requests within reason (she could have candlesticks or jewelry but not $1000 ones, no sheitle). On top of that her family never got BIL most of the things they said they would. Sadly this extended into the actually wedding expenses too. You can still see the difference in the relationships between me and my IL's and my parents and my IL vs SIL and our IL and her family and our IL. I'm glad we did things the way we did bc, I'd much rather have a great husband and a good relationship with his family then candlesticks and a new siddur that I didn't need. Why where these expectations even set in the first place? When you get married you should expect nothing more than a husband.

TzenaRena

Mon, Oct 06 2008, 5:36 pm

Quote:

Be Happy You Got the Chosson, there are people who are still waiting. Nothing Else Matters..
They are silly minhagim that do not make you happier.

giving the kallah jewelry is a Torah-based minhag. Hashem decorated Chava with 24 kishutin (ornaments or pieces of jewelry)and brought her to Adam.

Also Eliezer gave Rivka jewelry.

Also, if the choson is a talmid chochom and he fulfills this inyan by being baki (well-versed) in the 24 Kisvei Kodesh (seforim of Tanach), then maybe he can get away with the other kind of jewelry. Wink

And giving the choson a Shas and other seforim is minhag Yisrael. By Chassidim, we have the minhag to give both sifrei Nigleh, and sifrei Chassidus. Likewise it's minhag yisroel to give the kallah sifrei halacha/ Siddur or the like.

bashinda

Mon, Oct 06 2008, 10:00 pm

I got the flowers and jewelry but both were for the lchaim and also I got a lovely flower arrangement at the shabbos kallah (didn't realize flowers was a tradition)
DH got a new kapote, gartel, hat, chossen shas, set of likkutei sichos
I got a ring which had been my alta bubbe's. I recently found a picture of her as a kallah and it was a thrill to think she's wearing the same ring as I am.
And I got a kallah chitas which unfortunately I lost a few years later embarrassed

and also a large leather tehillim which I love using
I got a pearl necklace but not in the yichud room it was maybe a week after we were married.

We didn't do machzorim or siddurim but I figure that's what anniversaries are for.

miriamnechama

Wed, Dec 03 2008, 9:59 am

I got stuff but don't have half of it anymore.

first shabbos white siddur, which is by now grimy and can't see the name.
engagement the ring I picked out but has since been stolen.
pesach he gotme pearl and my parents gotme a necklace with te plate on it.. it was very in in those days.

my shabbos kalla in london everyone bought in flowers but it was such a waste cus I only enjoyed it for one day.

back in israel by his afruf, he sent in flowers
and got the wedding ring at chuppa nad bracelet in yichud... the bracelet is broken and the ring stolen.

I never got machzorim.

oh I forgot about teh candlesticks.

my sister was engaged at that time and she got much more than me.

my parents bought dh the watch and tefillin rabeinu tam.. he was given money for shas, but that money went, and on our 5th anniversary when we were in london for my sister's wedding he got a menora.

I prefer fake jewellary, I don'th avetow orry about insuringit or getting srolen etc.

oh and funny my brother's ex, bought the tallis and kittel... well it's now sitting by her.

zaq

Wed, Dec 03 2008, 10:21 am

B"H I don't come from a community that has any "must-haves". A diamond engagement ring is pretty standard but by no means a requirement. I'd have been fine without one.

My parents gave us what they felt like giving us (money) within their modest means; my inlaws gave us what they felt like giving us (household items) within theirs, and we bought for ourselves what we felt like buying for ourselves, within ours.

I don't know what a kallah siddur is, but if it's anything like what I imagine (white and ornate, emphasis on the external adornment and not on clear print, comfort in the hand or ease of navigation), I'm glad I don't have one.

avigailmiriam

Wed, Dec 03 2008, 10:22 am

I already had a siiddur when I married. DH bought his own tallit. I didn't have an engagement ring. We had stainless steel wedding bands we got for a few dollars each. We didn't really have much of a wedding. My relatives later gave me gifts because we were setting up house, but they weren't religious items. My best wedding presents were my Roomba and Scooba.

zaq

Wed, Dec 03 2008, 10:39 am

greenfire wrote:

well, I had no idea I was so seriously deprived. I'm gonna hafta sit down with dh and give him a good talking-to concerning his delinquency in the area of nuptial gifts...NOT!

Stepmum

Wed, Dec 03 2008, 10:43 am

I had a hard time getting my head round the prices of diamond rings (which my husband insisted on buying for me), forget about other jewellery. Until then I'd never worn anything costing more than 50 pounds, max. (less than 100 dollars, and that was my most expensive piece).

For those that say you need to buy a Kallah Jewellery, it doesn't have to be expensive. DH bought me Swarovski (crystal), and I love it, and feel comfortable wearing it, not worrying about losing it.

What else? I bought him a Tallis, my ILS bought me candlesticks and a leather tehillim for the wedding day. Other than that, there were no 'Kallah Gifts' per se. We might have gifted each other, but probably less than when we were dating!

I don't believe anything on that 'list' is worth going into debt for. If you have the money, I believe in putting it towards a home, etc.

zaq

Wed, Dec 03 2008, 10:57 am

Tamiri wrote:

Do you feel something is missing?

Yes. The acquisitive gene. My family seems to have been born without it. Must be something wrong with us.

Tamiri wrote:

What else didn't you get?

First let's address what I DID get--a wonderful chosson, something I always wanted but at times believed I would never have. A middle initial, ditto. An easily-spelled last name, tritto.

What didn't I get? Toe-cramping bridal shoes. Unwanted marital advice. Ugly heirloom silver.