Guests with different standards than hosts

Raisin

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 2:53 pm

I think withen communities it is probably ok. I don't think it is rude to say that you only eat a certain shechita. However, saying, I hope you are not using xyz shechita, because we don't eat that!!! is probably a little rude.

when I make shabbos I always have vegetarians in mind, but some people don't, so not saying anything may not be a great idea when you arrive and find the menu is chicken soup, chicken with potatoes or rice cooked in the chicken, and some vegetables. Challa and vegetables are not a very filling meal.

chocolate moose

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 3:03 pm

I really have no problem taking care of my guests in the way they have become accustomed to at home. It's my pleasure.

And I'd much rather the guests, in advance, tell me which shechita they want/don't want before it's bought, cooked & served. It's really not a big deal to me.

Chani

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 6:26 pm

There are halachos about how to handle differing chumros a)when you are the host and b) when you are the guest. I heard an excellent shiur "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Stricter" on a tape once about this issue...I'll look for the tape tomorrow, bli neder, and post contact info for getting a copy.

sky

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 7:01 pm

mandksima wrote:

We get those bug-free greenhouse grown ones here but they usually have sand or dirt in them so I wash them off well. Is it possible that's what they had?

We still wash those in salt water and do a quick check - I have to cut them open to do that.

Fox wrote:

Plus, my DH hates to eat out . . . have you ever noticed how quickly chumras are put in place when they just happen to coincide with the DH's preferences?! Laughing

yeah ... like we don't eat frozen or fresh spinach or broccoli or cauliflower or ... - when I asked my rav about this he looked incredulous - but dh just smiled and said it was 'better' this way.

We only eat by people we know keep our standards. I wouldn't take an invite unless I was sure.

We once hosted a family for shabbos that my dh and I really wanted to have over - but they are much stricter then us - we bought all the ingredients they ate, the chicken and everything. We were happy to have them but it was a pain. I don't think I would ever put that on someone else.

If you want to go over but can't necessarily eat then maybe go just for dessert and take a tea. This way you still get the company without the food hassle.

Lechatchila Ariber

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 7:56 pm

Shalhevet wrote:

I think that's very rude. They're hosting you and going to the trouble and expense of having you. You don't want to eat the shechita they eat? Don't go or don't eat meat. It's bad enough asking your own family for a favour to accommodate you.

maybe it's rude to request certain shechitas but I do think one must inform a host of what they do eat.
I think it's rude otherwise if the host goes to the trouble and expense of buying and preparing certain foods that the guest won't eat and didn't warn her about.

Perhaps they should simply ask, "which shchita do you use?" and if it's no good for them they can tell them politely not to worry about providing for them because they don't use that shechita.
Then the host can choose if to accommodate them or not.

Last edited by Lechatchila Ariber on Sun, Jan 18 2009, 6:23 am; edited 1 time in total

mamacita

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 1:26 am

I would feel fine asking about schita since that seems "normal" but what about bug-checking, something I also take seriously and do not see as a chumra. Not eating the veggies doesn't cover the herbs that could be in anything. I've also seen some people borer and on later discussions found out that it was a case of lack of education and not something we could have known about specifically beforehand except from other laxities in different areas. Makes me nervous about going out to people we don't know and it looks like soon we'll be in a position to have to accept hospitality.

Marion

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 1:46 am

I will ask my guests if there's anything they DON'T eat. This gives them an opportunity to tell me about allergies or kashrut needs. If they don't say anything, I don't do anything different. When I go out to eat I tell people about our allergies, but not kashrut. I trust people won't feed me something that's out and out treif. I don't feel the need to impose our chumrot on others.

Akeres Habayis

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 2:25 am

(thanks Shalhevet it worked out great,she appreciated the phone call)

its funny this should be posted now,I just was in a situation of having guests over,and it was....interesting to say the least.it was sem girls.( different hashkafah than ours).
they were set up w/me bc we hold the same in stringencies of kashrut...I guess.

from bochurim and sem girls,I shouldn't hear from them all the different stringencies they may have they should just eat by someone who are exactly like them.for families,couples I go out of my way to make it as if they were at home(most men dont care to eat away from home,so if the wife has convinced them,I try to not disappoint them).

I have friends who are lub like us but they dont eat the same hechsher of beef that we would eat.so already I know when inviting them over to mention that I will purchase their preferred hechsher of meat.

once u accept the invite u DONT SAY A WORD while in their home,u just make a decision of whether to go back there or not.

tomorrow

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 5:49 am

I don't mind going out of my way and out of my budget to make guests feel comfortable in my home. If I invite them, I normally expect that there will be an issue of buying different chickens. I would be very uncomfortable having people only eating parve items at my table, or some similar issue. Therefore, it really irks me when I go out of my way, sometimes very, very far out of my way and take a lot of time, effort and expense to do this, and then the family doesn't trust it. We are charda"l and hosted a war refugee family recently for shabbos, on a roughly 24-hour notice and while they were super sweet and all that, they were very skiddish about my chickens. HELLO -- the effort gone through for that one! And they still were very avoiding of the chicken. I was really put off. Aside from the hechsherim is the, "Yes, we'd love to come. We don't eat fat, carbs, salt, etc. and only hechsher xyz." That makes me nuts. Just say you can't make it.

Marion

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 6:04 am

My favourite guests (not being sarcastic) are the ones who say "We usually eat Aurbach or Rubin, but Tnuva Mehadrin is also good". "Or Beit Yosef". That is not only no biggie, but it's easy to get hold of so it's easy to accommodate.

momaleh

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 3:03 am

I don't understand the original poster - it says explicitly in a book I have based on the shiurim of Rav Vaye, with Rav Vaye's Haskama, that if an onion is "firm, healthy, tightly closed at the top, and doesn't have green leaves sprouting from it, there's no need to check it." (he then says how to check if the above is not the case.) So now there is a chumra on top of Rav Vaye, the top Rav in Israel for bug checking? and it will cause you to not eat at someone's house?

shalhevet

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 3:50 am

momaleh wrote:

You are talking about regular onions, she was talking about green onions (the long green shoots that sprout from onions).

twokids

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 1:52 pm

when I make the arrangements the first question I ask is, are you allergic/don't eat anything and I try to work without it like this past shabos I had a family where the wife can't eat reg. flour and sugar so I agusted what reciepies I could and she brout what I couldn't. she left making plans to come back in a few weeks time again.

Rubber Ducky

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 2:03 pm

I'm fine with accommodating people, if they'll only let me know! What I don't like is when guests come and I find out about special needs only after I'm serving -- "Oh, I'm allergic to wheat" etc.

greenfire

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 2:06 pm

I was once asked by a guest - before hand if I ate cholov yisroel - I repeated over & over - we are having meat and where I buy it ... all the dh wanted to know was about the cholov yisroel - it made me NUTso (at the time I ate cholov yisroel too) ...

I've come to be comfortable enough with almost anybody - so long as nobody is mixing milk with meat and not serving porky the pig ... I'm good

most preferences are easy to obtain these days ...

OOTBubby

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 2:20 pm

momaleh wrote:

ah, scallions. Very easy to get bug-free.

I know that's the case in EY -- but not in the US (at least not outside of NY, and I don't think in NY either. I wish I could get them (large out of town US city) bug free and I'd chop'em up and freeze them. I love to use scallions but have poor eyesight and don't use anything that isn't easily checked or available here bug free.