sem girls and helping

Isramom8

Tue, Feb 17 2009, 1:10 am

shoy18 wrote:

I have a funny story about when I was in sem staying by someone for shabbos. We were in our room getting ready for shabbos and their was a knock on the door, when we opened it it was our host and she simply handed us the baby with not a word and walked away. which was obvious that she wanted us to watch it which at that point we didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. It was the strangest thing I ever encountered, should we have offered to help, maybe, but what she did was probably unacceptable.

So did you girls check the baby's gender? Come on, be honest!

shabri

Tue, Feb 17 2009, 1:24 am

I don't know, I have tons of sem girls over & they ALWAYS help. Sometimes they call me & ask if they should come on thursday to help. They always clear, help with the kids & sometimes offer to wash the dishes. After I had DD, one of my "regulars" called and offered to come and help. Now she comes once a week. Its great.

OP, I say 1st of all, you can' expect them to help. They are guests and not there to do your work. But you can also say no. Why would you agree to the extra guests knowing the ones you have rarely help. I woul def take a break if I were you and not invite these girls back if its too much. For the most part, sem girls are helpful and so happy to be had. If you are not getting that, I would not have them.

Ima'la

Tue, Feb 17 2009, 3:39 am

There is a difference between not helping, and rude. Not helping may be just due to cluelessness, lack of chinuch to help in their own homes or even being too shy to offer. In the overwhelming majority of cases, any request for light household help (serving, playing with kids within reason, even dishes or light sweeping, stripping the beds before they leave or even making their own beds when they arrive) will be fulfilled with a smile. But you have to be not shy enough to ask. Yes, the seminaries should speak to the girls as a whole (many do, and most girls are helpful) and it is not a bad idea to speak to someone in the seminary - not as a complaint but to suggest that a talk would be a good idea.

As far as tznius, you have to know the seminary, and even which point in the year (beginning or end) and evaluate what is appropriate for your family.

HindaRochel

Tue, Feb 17 2009, 3:41 am

I guess I've always been lucky with the Yeshiva boys who get sent. (I haven't had Seminary girls but would like to). They always have offered to help, brought something, are pleasant and interesting and they walk away saying nice things about us.

There are always "those guests" who aren't considerate.

But as I said before, your role as a hostess is to make the company feel good, you really can't control them. Just do your best and if you don't like these girls say you can't accommodate them anymore.

hindas

Tue, Feb 17 2009, 4:37 am

Thank you all so much for your feedback, it is very helpful.

I think in general there are a few problems with some of the sems - not all of them. Clearly there are those sems where talks are given and there are no such issues.

however, there are some places that dont adress the issues of manners and correct behaviour. I sound like a puritan ( g-d forbid ) but I am actually quite easy going.

I think I actually got a name for myself for not being strict about times for coming in at night - or being there for meals or clothes, and as a result I have had to learn a lesson. I ahve a lot of girls caling me asking to come and I actually do have to say no to some of them.

Also as a mother - of a not yet - sem girl, I think we should know what goes on and prepare our daughters accordingly.
I would like to know if my daughter is hanging around a group of boys or recieving dirty phone calls ( which one of the girls did who came to me - eventually my Dh took care of it ). Just as well as I would like to know if my daughter is o.k. and was a pleasure to have.
lets face it some of these girls are just 17 yrs old- they are still kids!

Akeres Habayis

Tue, Feb 17 2009, 5:55 am

Mrs.K wrote:

I think it's very important that you call the school. Don't say your name and don't say any of the girl's names, but the principal should gather the entire student body together to discuss the importance of manners and middos. Better they become educated in this now then after they're married.

the school would love to hear from u.if u have sem girls over and they not helping or rude in anyway,the school wants to know.they told me(I have had girls from pretty much all the american sem)its part of their learning.

drumjj

Tue, Feb 17 2009, 6:43 am

I have students over a lot from university and they never bring gifts or anything. once I had a girl and she wrote a nice letter afterwards I was so appreciative. and also half the time they sit there and dont help which I find sort of irritating but u cant really tell them to help. I think its the way they have been brought up. I was always brought up when I go to ppls houses I offer to help and therefore its a natural thing for me to do.

greenfire

Wed, Feb 18 2009, 11:13 am

shoy18 wrote:

lol

you see that just brings another side to the situation ... not everyone is capable of helping ... some people just need a break when they get away as a guest ... I would only get offended if a particular "guest" was a continual part of the family as in sabbos guest every week or even every other week and then I would expect them to pitch in ...

ange

Fri, Aug 03 2012, 5:59 pm

I know this post is old but...

When I arrived in seminary, rush hashana was a week later and we were exhausted, not used to the new time schedule and feeling a bit homesick. I and 2 friends stayed at someone for you tov, and they had another guest as well. Despite knowing the host from when she lived in the USA, she did not go out of her way to make us feel comfortable or part of the conversation. Mostly she talked to the other guest who seemed to be a regular. We tried to interact with the kids, but they were not so interested, and we offered help in the kitchen but it was just very awkward.

We slept a lot over Tom tov as we were truly exhausted, and when we left the hostess made a comment like she hardly saw us. It sounded like it was coming for a critical viewpoint. As much as I feel bad that we did not interact more, I also felt that we were an imposition on them the whole time, and no one was particularly friendly to us, so we just felt very awkward.

So as much as this post was presented as the girls being rude, it reminded me a lot of our experience that first shabbos away, and I know that what seems to be is not always the case. We had plenty more shabbosim at hosts and often felt included and interacted with them. So when I read this post, I thought. Perhaps t.he hostess gave off the impression that she did not want them with her in the kitchen, etc. like we felt

Just another side of the story.

amother

Sat, Aug 04 2012, 4:20 pm

I think when you host guests you have to have in mind that you are hosting and not expect anything from them. Yes it is normal derech eretz to help clear up or serve but not everyone does this. You decided to invite, you decided you have the energy to invite so do it all the way. Don't be critical of them. Also I see pretty often that some ppl that invite sem girls expect them to watch their kids all afternoon while they rest. Eventhough it would be nice if the girls offer, the girls are tired themselves from being up to the wee hours every night.

Hakol Letovah

Tue, Jan 22 2013, 8:09 am

asking nicely for some light help is fine. some guests have social issues and dont know bhow to behave, in general, so its ok to be gentle and ask for some small stuff. (help serve, clear etc).
I have seen some hosts who think they get free slaves for a shabbos, asking girls to watch kids entire afternoon so they can rest. girls also had a long week and can use rest or relaxation, they do not owe you hours in return for having them for shabbos.
hosting 5-7 at a time is not easy. I make my limits know. if they ask can they bring friends, I say I prefer 3 girls at a time, in any combination they like. Enjoy your company!

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 22 2013, 9:06 am

As a recent poster said, sometimes it's the chemistry between the host and the girls.

When I was in sem, early on I was placed for Shabbos by a family where the mother hailed from the same town as me, but I had never heard of her or her family before. They lived near seminary - I was going just for meals. For whatever reason, I was uncomfortable there the whole Shabbos, it was just not a "shidduch" between me and them. I tried to be helpful and cheerful, and I have no idea how I came across.

The next day, she called me and asked me to take her kids to the park. The next day she called again, and then again. She called me to come help her cook for Yom Tov, etc..and I soon saw that she was calling me on a daily basis. I sometimes said ok (and tried to help but couldn't wait to leave) and sometimes just tried to say no, and I admit to sometimes pretending not to be in the dorm when she called. At one point, she told me that she always asks for a girl from her town as a guest, and that girl usually helps her for the year, and she's very disappointed in me.

Well, I didn't owe her anything and I resented being designated as that girl without my permission.

And by the way - I generally love kids, love to help, love being part of a family. It simply wasn't a fit for me. I was assigned a different chessed family for the year thru the seminary chessed program, that had 5 kids and the oldest was 6, and I adored them. I didn't mind washing dishes, wiping counters, sweeping, ironing, folding laundry, all while the kids danced around me and chewed my ear off...they were simply adorable and I related well to them. (And I admit being partial to the homemade goodies she would give me for Shabbos.) When I was recovering from a bad case of bronchitis, she had me for Shabbos and wouldn't let me lift a finger, insisting that I rest and pampering me like a mother. One of my best E"Y memories is of seeing her husband, who couldn't sing a note to save his life, with all 5 kids somehow squished on his lap and singing zemiros to a totally indefinable tune.

Just something to think about....sometimes it's just not a fit.

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 22 2013, 9:18 am

And another experience I had: I was placed for the second seder. I had told the person in charge of placing that I need non-gebroks. The family I was placed with called and asked if I could come help....I said sure, and I came and they gave me a horribly dirty, caked-on-grease, stove to clean. I felt like a cleaning lady. Spent the day scrubbing my fingers raw, getting that clean. I also verified with them that I don't eat gebroks, and they assured me it was no problem.....And to top it off, came to the seder, and Shulchan Orech was matza ball soup.....and they told me don't worry, we'll take out the matza balls for you.