Teen girl getting married off early

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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chocolate moose

Sun, Apr 30 2006, 9:21 am

We all all kinds, Downs! Thanks for the chizuk!

amother

Wed, May 03 2006, 10:18 am

many young girls (18yrs) are encouraged by parents to marry their boyfriend an I think it makes sense.
its a different story here where the girl's parents are looking for a shidduch to prevent further problems. SaraG do u / the parents know what the girl wants? if she wants to get married than it cud be very successful, if she doesnt then there could be a lot of problems.
the fact she is going 2 clubs does not mean she is sleeping around.
I had boyfriends and went to clubs before I got married but did not sleep around. my main religious weakness was tznius n boys which automatically got me labelled as bummy but once I married it was no longer an issue.

Ruchel

Wed, May 03 2006, 11:07 am

Help the French girl! Does sleeping around means any premarital relation (even in a serious relationship) or "one night stand" c'v??

chen

Wed, May 03 2006, 12:06 pm

In the outside world it implies multiple partners but in the frum world--who knows?

amother

Wed, May 03 2006, 12:47 pm

Whoever says people who experimented will not be able to keep Taharat hamishpacha is just wrong. I'm not condoning "experimenting" but somone can have a past and live a committed torah true life. And the judgementalism I see here, wow. Dan lecaf zechut anyone? Did you pass the nisyonot that the experimenting person has failed? Only if you did can you judge.

Ruchel

Wed, May 03 2006, 1:54 pm

amother wrote:

Did you pass the nisyonot that the experimenting person has failed? Only if you did can you judge.

You mean, like having the occasion to do it and not do it? I think many people would have the occasion if they were "looking for them" by going to nightclubs for example.

mumsy23

Wed, May 03 2006, 1:58 pm

No, Ruchel, I'm sure thats not what she means. She means that Hashem gives everybody different nisyonos (ie. difficult childhood, sick parent, weight problems, health problems, emotional disorders...) and until you have been faced with the EXACT same nisayon (whish is impossible) as someone else, you cannot judge them.

Ruchel

Wed, May 03 2006, 2:22 pm

mumsy23 wrote:

Oh I see, I was hesitating between this and what I said before. Thanks.

Motek

Thu, May 04 2006, 3:07 pm

amother wrote:

Whoever says people who experimented will not be able to keep Taharat hamishpacha is just wrong. I'm not condoning "experimenting" but somone can have a past and live a committed torah true life.

Of course, otherwise we wouldn't have so many baalei teshuva absolutely committed and observing a Torah life. It can be harder though.

amother

Thu, May 04 2006, 5:30 pm

Motek wrote:

amother wrote:

Whoever says people who experimented will not be able to keep Taharat hamishpacha is just wrong. I'm not condoning "experimenting" but somone can have a past and live a committed torah true life.

Of course, otherwise we wouldn't have so many baalei teshuva absolutely committed and observing a Torah life. It can be harder though.

Are you saying this from experience? Because I can personally attest to the fact that it's not difficult at all for me. I'm not a bt, I'm just a frum girl who did some stupid things as a teen. I did straighten out a while before I got married though. Taharat Hamishpacha is as challenging for me as it is for any other frum girl who was totally innocent before marriage. By the way, some of my friends who never spoke to a guy in their lives before their husband, have a very hard time keeping taharat hamishpacha and sometimes are not so good about it.

Motek

Thu, May 04 2006, 5:52 pm

I'm glad you don't find it difficult.

I'm speaking from the perspective that once you've tasted of the forbidden or undesirable it can be much harder to let go of it. It's not a rule that applies to everyone equally.

amother

Tue, Aug 08 2006, 12:41 am

Where do I start here?
I was a "teenage bum" I was probably much worse than the above mentioned girl and believe me I am still suffering from the memories. B"H I married an amazing guy. It was amiracle that he did not hear the(true) L"H about me. My Rav told me to spill the news to him on the third date he also told me exactly how and what to say(I was told not to go into gory details ever). My DH took a deep breath and thought about it over night. We now have a large family w/ kids that we are B"H very proud of my husband and I are in giving proffessions involved w/ Torah. In fact I would consider myself a comunity leader in some ways. I don't advertize my past, but I do speak to parents of teenagers and encourage them to marry off their teen agers early. Some kids just really have aY"H for male attention and when they get that attention from their husbands they are o.k.
I also had a very sad experience. A girl that I am close w/ was at my house playing w/ my kids. When her father came to get her she said "I want a baby, I want to get married, so-and-so got married when she was 18." Her father said, "You are way too young you need to go to college and sem first" 1 or 2 yrs. later she came back from E"Y pregant and addicted to drugs. (We got her married bef the baby was born.)
What would have happened if her parents had actively looked for a shiduch for her at 18?

ceo

Tue, Aug 08 2006, 1:14 am

oy, amother, BH things have worked out well for you!

As for this girl, I can't really imagine that marriage would have done her any good at that point. Yes, some talk of an outlet for those hormones, but clearly, a young woman to get so messed up - pg and an addict-- had something in her system, ykwim? Something would most likely have gone wrong at some point without the proper intervention, perhaps better it was before the baby and marriage.

I hope I am making sense.

southernbubby

Tue, Aug 08 2006, 2:31 am

Most frum women of my age group were married at 18.

Mirabelle

Sun, Sep 10 2006, 9:13 am

Call me crazy but I thought that the "traditional" solution for dealing with off the derech teens was to send them to special seminaries and yeshivot in Israel?

chocolate moose

Sun, Sep 10 2006, 9:48 am

When I hear of "kids" my son's age getting married (he's "18"), maybe it's mean, but I called it a Starter marriage.

But it all depends. Who says these kids can't grow together? Who says they won't be perfectly happy?

rochelleah

Wed, Sep 13 2006, 9:12 pm

I have a 17,16,15, 14 year olds. I always try to be honest with them foremost b/c my parents werent. I was brought up in missouri until I was 12 then moved to boro pak totally dif. lifestyle. then when I was 17 they moved to israel completely dif. lifestyle more spiritual but more promiscuous. I tell my kids know what youre getting into once you start being comf. with a boy it becomes unclear what friendship means then you dont know where the line is and things get very complicated. I had guys who were my friends and then I met a guy who liked me and I want sure and bef. I could control my feelings I really liked him my parents sat us down and my father said you cant go on forever its not natural one thing leads to another and he was right although he thought he was pushing me the other way within three months we were married and 18 years later we couldnt be a better bummy couple with 7+ beautiful children honesty is the answer for me.so what people think of a bummy 17 year old girl can be very far from the truth.

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 14 2006, 5:09 am

SaraG wrote:

I think it really depends. Personally, I am also not for teenagers who get married.
But in cases where they already have someone, and this someone is Jewish, or where they want to find someone & get married (I mean, really want and ask again and again, not just a teen fantasy), then it is the less risky solution imho.

chocolate moose

Thu, Sep 14 2006, 10:14 am

It's all relative. Some will go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives.

But if not..and they dropped out of "10th" grade; it's a shame.

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 14 2006, 10:21 am

SaraG wrote:

It's all relative. Some will go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives.

But if not..and they dropped out of "10th" grade; it's a shame.

Yes, the studies are a VERY big problem. The best in this case would be either after the end of high school, or go to high school married...

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