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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
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Thu, Mar 19 2009, 5:13 pm
If the person is VERY obviously pregnant, don't ask "Are you pregnant?"
If its not insanely obvious, DON'T ASK! Could be she's showing earlier than she'd like to share. Could be she's just fat.
Take her cue- if she isnt discussing pregnancy and it isnt insanely obvious, say nothing on the matter until she does.'
Basically, you should never ask "Are you pregnant" because if she was far enough along, you wouldnt need to ask, and if you need to ask, its not polite.
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Fox
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Thu, Mar 19 2009, 6:17 pm
I think it was humorist Dave Barry who once wrote -- I'm paraphrasing here -- that you shouldn't say anything that would remotely suggest that you think a woman is pregnant unless you actually see a baby emerging from her body. And maybe that's not such a good idea, either!
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Chocoholic
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Thu, Mar 19 2009, 6:26 pm
2 weeks ago I went shopping with DH, we met the mother of a close high school friend of DH, she is like oh so nice you guys are pregnant!!!! The same....
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anonymom
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Thu, Mar 19 2009, 9:01 pm
I was in my eighth or ninth month and the very frum principal of my sons' school offered to unlock the elevator for me when he saw me starting to go up the steps. In a way it was nice, but in a way I thought, why is he noticing, and if he is noticing, why is he admiting it? But it was kind of obvious, so if he ignored it, it would also not be nice. You just can't win!
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Mama Bear
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Thu, Mar 19 2009, 9:08 pm
A very wonderful and amazing firend of mine is now pg after double digit years of marriage. she's not showing yet, hasnt told me a thing, and at least six people asked me yesterday if it's true. I KNOW it's true, and dont feel like approaching her, despite the fact that we talk a few times a week. I'm waiting for her to say. Or to put on maternity.
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devorahrivka
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Thu, Mar 19 2009, 11:48 pm
A very long time ago, before DH, a boyfriend and I went to a jeweler to look at engagement rings. The man kept saying "when the baby comes the ring will fit looser..." "When the baby comes you'll loose water gain" "when the baby comes...." Then the idiot (my ex boyfriend) told the guy I wasn't pregnant (which was worse, I thought, than the guy thinking I was) so then the guy started pointing at my stomach as he said he was sorry...the worst part is that I thought I looked good
It happened recently too. A little boy in our homeschool group asked me if I was pregnant. I said no and he said "why do you look like you are?" I told him I'm just fat...that was horrible...and a little annoying because his mom is bigger than me I was going to tell her so she could tell him not to do that to people but I was embarrased and didn't want to make her feel bad.
Its just my body...I got it from my mother...even when I was a size 8 I had a belly...
Then there are the people who are pregnant but they are so big you don't notice. I went to college with a girl who I didn't realize was pregnant until her water broke in class...she was a rather large woman and when she came back to class I saw no difference.
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nicole81
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Fri, Mar 20 2009, 12:09 am
I was asked if I was pregnant today. ummm no, I guess I just got fatter!
pregnant or not, this is *never* an appropriate question to ask!
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RachelEve14
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Fri, Mar 20 2009, 1:50 am
The mother of one of my close friends asked me when Rivka was about 1 if I was pregnant. I had just lost a lot of weight so I was kind of horrified. Then she said "oh I just assumed because she's 1 you would be expecting and you look great!" The truth is I nursed clean with the twins for only 6 months (was working nights) and with the last two I have nursed clean much longer (Rivka about 20 months, Avraham Tzvi 13 months and counting). But she was used to her dd who got her period every 8th month on the dot and was pregnant every 9th and all her kids are 18 - 20 months apart.
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shabbatiscoming
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Fri, Mar 20 2009, 5:32 am
I was once waiting in the dentists office, reading a book and I was holding it in a way I guess, that made it look like I was holding the book against my stomach, so one of the nurses comes up to me and goes "your pregnant right?" I said no I am not, she turned so red and she didnt know what to do.
then, when I was actually pregant, but not telling anyone yet and not wearing maternity yet, a lady at worked asked me if I was having twins. I guess I was larger than I thought. it was the weirdest conversation ever to happen to me.
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Mirabelle
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Fri, Mar 20 2009, 7:05 am
I have the opposite problem...I am naturally very large on top and so when I get prego the stomach area begins to "match" the top = just very fat. People didnt think I was pregnant until probably the 8th month....
I got more annoyed when I would talk with people about being pregnant (at like 7 months) while wearing very obvious maternity and they would be like "oh, you're pregnant???"
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mominisrael2
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Sun, Mar 22 2009, 1:56 am
DH got asked when I was due (when I wasn't pregnant)...by our RABBI!!
I took that as a sign to get over to the gym pronto...
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louche
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Sun, Mar 22 2009, 2:07 am
Mama Bear wrote: | A very wonderful and amazing firend of mine is now pg after double digit years of marriage. she's not showing yet, hasnt told me a thing, and at least six people asked me yesterday if it's true. I KNOW it's true, and dont feel like approaching her, despite the fact that we talk a few times a week. I'm waiting for her to say. Or to put on maternity. |
If she hasn't said, and she's not showing, how do you know unless you're the mikvah lady? And if you are the mikvah lady, why do people feel they can ask you confidential info about someone else?
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amother
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Sun, Mar 22 2009, 8:02 am
It's an awful question to ask anyone - if they wanted you to know, they would tell you if there was anything to tell. Noone will be insulted by your not asking.
If you think there is news that you may have missed, you can always say "How have you been feeling?" It is a plain polite question, but if they are pregnant and assume you know or want to let you know, they will answer the question in light of the pregnancy.
Otherwise, do not ask anyone.
I just had a mis at 13 weeks, and two-three weeks later people are asking me if I am pregnant. (I don't announce until 19 weeks = starting 5th month). One lady asked me in front of a few other people at a fundraising dinner - for goodness sakes, it was her husband who drove their daughter over to babysit when we called them desperate and in a rush, needing to go to the emergency room as I was hemoharraging badly. You would think she would have a bit of common sense that even if she thought I might have been pregnant, a trip to the hospital and surgery under general would make you back off a bit and wonder if everything was ok (it wasn't), instead of patting my stomach and saying with a smile "I think there's something inside" with a bunch of others standing around.
BH I kept my composure and smile and said "No, I'm just fat!" And took the opportunity to educate her about not asking so that IYH when I will be pregnant again she won't ask me point blank - I wouldn't lie straight out.
Another lady also asked me - and she also knew I was in hospital and under general, as I usually see her at least 2 times a week, and I obviously cancelled on her a few times in a row. BH was able to pull off the same, pretending to laugh at my overweight and that I need to get to the gym, and also told her about not announcing until further along.
But really, you'd think people would be a bit more sensitive...
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mominisrael2
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Sun, Mar 22 2009, 10:54 am
RachelEve14 wrote: | I get the feeling people are starting to wonder about me. I've been the same weight since Avraham Tzvi was born (well, I lost a little). Getting serious after Pesach agan b'n. No, I'm not pregnant. Just fat |
Let's go walking...finally stocked up on pedometer batteries!! I'm still shocked over your previous post that someone said you "should" be pg again now that your baby is 1!!
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RachelEve14
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Sun, Mar 22 2009, 10:56 am
mominisrael2 wrote: | RachelEve14 wrote: | I get the feeling people are starting to wonder about me. I've been the same weight since Avraham Tzvi was born (well, I lost a little). Getting serious after Pesach agan b'n. No, I'm not pregnant. Just fat |
Let's go walking...finally stocked up on pedometer batteries!! I'm still shocked over your previous post that someone said you "should" be pg again now that your baby is 1!! |
YAY. I'm up for some walking. I could really use it.
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Pinky
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Sun, Mar 22 2009, 11:17 am
I was in the beging of my preg. and very consious @ the way I looked, I was by the sheitel macher and somone was ahead og me I was looking st her and thinking 'shes prabebly preg. to and still hideing it' then she takes off her wig and said she is getting married next week!!
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octopus
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Sun, Mar 22 2009, 11:22 am
well, here is some more pregnancy ettiquette: guessing when a gal is due. Ppl always assume that when they see me, I'm in my 8th or 9th month. Nope, I'm not. I start looking that way in my sixth. (I carry pretty big, not so big myself, and have large babies). When I'm in my eight month ppl start saying "what! it looks like you are due yesterday!" It always makes me feel really bad.
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challi
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Sun, Mar 22 2009, 7:20 pm
....
Last edited by challi on Thu, May 21 2009, 8:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
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greenfire
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Sun, Mar 22 2009, 7:30 pm
amother wrote: |
I just had a mis at 13 weeks, and two-three weeks later people are asking me if I am pregnant. (I don't announce until 19 weeks = starting 5th month). One lady asked me in front of a few other people at a fundraising dinner - for goodness sakes, it was her husband who drove their daughter over to babysit when we called them desperate and in a rush, needing to go to the emergency room as I was hemoharraging badly. You would think she would have a bit of common sense that even if she thought I might have been pregnant, a trip to the hospital and surgery under general would make you back off a bit and wonder if everything was ok (it wasn't), instead of patting my stomach and saying with a smile "I think there's something inside" with a bunch of others standing around.
BH I kept my composure and smile and said "No, I'm just fat!" And took the opportunity to educate her about not asking so that IYH when I will be pregnant again she won't ask me point blank - I wouldn't lie straight out.
Another lady also asked me - and she also knew I was in hospital and under general, as I usually see her at least 2 times a week, and I obviously cancelled on her a few times in a row. BH was able to pull off the same, pretending to laugh at my overweight and that I need to get to the gym, and also told her about not announcing until further along.
But really, you'd think people would be a bit more sensitive... |
I know this sounds a bit harsh - but you should've right out said in front of everyone she embarrassed you in front of - "you remember that emergency - I had a miscarriage" I promise she would never ask anybody again ...
how rude of her ... sorry for your loss and your pain !!!
I did have people ask if I was having triplets - find sonny boy was huge - but come on
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