At what age does spoiling start?

Ima2

Sun, Jul 25 2010, 2:00 pm

At what age should I start worrying about spoiling my baby? My baby is B"H 3 months old and in the middle of the night, when he wakes up, I take him into bed with me to feed him. He ends up sleeping with me the whole night and nursing until he is so asleep that he lets go. I have started to notice during the day that he doesn't sleep as well or for as long when he is put down in his crib ( he is very comfy in his crib, so that's not the problem) as when he is nursing and falls asleep and stays nursing until he wakes up. Is it a coincidence? or am I starting to send him the message that it's ok to nurse to stay sleeping? Am I spoiling my baby and do I need to stop taking him into bed with me at night to teach him to sleep better more independently?

Tamiri

Sun, Jul 25 2010, 2:07 pm

This type of question is controversial. Mothers who believe in co-sleeping will tell you that you cannot spoil a baby by sleeping with him next to you. In fact, they will tell you that you are doing him a great favor and giving him exactly what he needs: you! This is natural, the way bonding between mothers and children was meant to be.
Mothers who want to train thier babies to be apart from them or who are afraid to sleep with baby or have a DH who doesn't support his wife doing that, will tell you that keeping the baby with you is going to spoil him, ruin your rest, and destroy your Shalom Bayis.
The second group is wrong LOL

No normal child gets married still sleeping in his mother's bed. When you feel it's time, you will gently wean him of sleeping with you. Until then - enjoy what you have and be thankful that you can give your baby the best thing in the world: mommy and her food. And the biggest gift you can give your baby is him having a rested mommy, which can't happen if you are getting up a million times a night to take care of him.

Ima2

Sun, Jul 25 2010, 4:56 pm

Tamiri, I totally agree! My son B"H only gets up 1-2 times a night to eat and while during the night, I can oblige and let him eat until he falls asleep and let him still nurse until he's zonked, I can't do so for most of the day. I am at home for now and my kids in gan in the morning, so can let him do this then, but in the afternoon when I need to get things done, I really can't spend 1-2 hours on the couch every 2-3 hours! So I guess my question is when or if I should stop doing this b/c he thinks that it's ok during the day too and I can't get anything done. He doesn't sleep so long without being attached to me. maybe he's getting too used to this behavior?

madres

Sun, Jul 25 2010, 7:04 pm

I spoil my kids from the minute they are born, and never intend to stop... I just don't spoil them with anything that will harm them now or later in life...
I know I will get killed for writing this, because spoiling is a big NO NO! but I disagree...
my kids all had their crib next to my bed, I took them in and than put them back, because the story of the 2 mothers by shloimeh hamelech always hunts me... but when they got older they sometimes sneak into my bed... and I let them. my oldest stoped on her own when she was about 3 years old!

Inspired

Mon, Jul 26 2010, 5:40 am

I'm with Tamiri. BUT by my 3rd child I learned to develop a secondary and even third method to get the baby back to sleep other than nursing.
And I night wean before 2 years old even though still sleep in my bed.

ewa-jo

Mon, Jul 26 2010, 6:26 am

The only real question in whether YOU are comfortable with the behavior. If you are, well, then everything is fine and you don't have to change a thing. Once a child is set in their ways, in any respect, it's difficult to break a pattern and establish a new one. That's the one thing I believe in 100% - start out as you mean to go on. I have a friend who has this whole night-time ritual with her daughter (holding her, playing music, rocking her to sleep). If it were me, I couldn't do it, but she was fine with doing that for her daughter every night... so nothing was wrong.

You begin to establish patterns for your baby's life the second you bring them home from the hospital - how they eat, how they sleep..etc. If you start out doing something, well, the baby hasn't read any parenting books and they assume that your way is just how things are done.

Tamiri

Mon, Jul 26 2010, 7:42 am

Inspired wrote:

LOL, mine were out of my bed by about 7 mos except for the one who was there for 14 mos. After I started co-sleeping, with #2, I never figured out another way for both of us to sleep well at night besides being together.
With regards to daytime: to me it seems as if he needs more of you. It's natural that there are other things going on in life. BTDT and I don't have a better suggestion than to use your instincts. Have you tried a swing? Turning on the vacuum cleaner so the baby has something to listen to?

pinkbubbles

Mon, Jul 26 2010, 2:41 pm

its sending him the message that sleep = mommy's bed. I don't think thats spoiling, hes just learning what you are doing consistently. spoiling depends on what each parent thinks. but its also basically going over acceptable healthy limits and boundaries. so thats personal for each child.
with my son I did take him in my bed for a while after he was born, then I started re teaching him that sleep = his own bed. I repeated this again recently when we moved to a new house, and he didn't like his new room yet. He slept in my bed for a little (not the whole night) until he got to learn that his room was a nice place to sleep and he associated it with pleasant sleep.

Chayalle

Mon, Jul 26 2010, 4:16 pm

spoiling seems to indicate that it's a done deal and you can't change it. Keep in mind that if your baby is used to sleeping with you he/she is not spoiled. At any time that you want this to change, you can, with a little persistence and determination, teach your child to sleep elsewhere. So if it's working for you right now but you think at some point you may want to change things, don't worry - I've found that babies adjust to change much faster than we usually anticipate.