Advice: Dealing with Jews who aren't really Jewish.

OrthoJewess

Fri, Oct 29 2010, 12:25 pm

I desperately need some advice. Over the years I've noticed that I'm more vocal about who is and isn't Jewish. Also, I'm more judgmental and have no problem voicing my Orthodox stance in that regard. My question to you is how can I not be so judgmental when dealing with these people. I'm not making Orthodox look appealing by being this way and I'm probably pushing people away from Judaism in the process. How do you deal with it? Do you not say anything even when asked?

chocolate moose

Fri, Oct 29 2010, 12:35 pm

What's the loshon, better to remain silent and let peple think you're a fool, rather than opening your mouth and removing all doubt ?

Fri, Oct 29 2010, 12:41 pm

sometimes it's important to be vocal... People who give off the impression that they are Jews to others can be a potential danger. It really really depends on the situation - which I havn't managed to totally figure out from your post.
It has to be clear to all that someone who is not Jewish is very special but not Jewish. Of course you have to be very very tactful but if asked, it would probably be the right thing to express what is necessary in the nicest way.

louche

Fri, Oct 29 2010, 12:44 pm

Depends on the situation and whether my saying anything will be of value. When my coworker, married to a Catholic woman who didn't convert, talks about his son's bris or bar mitzvah, I don't tell him his kid isn't jewish. I say mazal tov. OTOH, if my other coworker tells me she wants to have an authentic orthodox wedding so that her religious cousins will attend, and asks if it's acceptable for her fiance's Catholic mother to walk down the aisle, I may inform her, gently, that by halacha her fiance is not jewish and unless he converts al pi halacha, she cannot, by definition, have an authentic orthodox wedding.

If asked point-blank what the Orthodox position is, I will give it.

OrthoJewess

Fri, Oct 29 2010, 12:56 pm

Thank you for that advice. I find myself in so many of these situations. Maybe it's because I don't "look Jewish". Who knows. A non-Jewish woman married a Jewish male and had children. She wanted me to agree that her children were Jewish which I would not do. I tried everything to change the subject but she was relentless in obtaining my answer. Even though I answered, I was very tactful; however, it did not stop her from having an attitude with me.

Chocolate Moose, were you trying to be offensive?

Mirabelle

Fri, Oct 29 2010, 1:00 pm

I work with "inter-faith" families all the time and pretty much take Chabad's approach. I don't act judgemental and work very hard to make the non-Jewish spouse or children comfortable in Jewish situations.

Later on, when I get to know them, I can explain how it works in Orthodox Judaism.

louche

Fri, Oct 29 2010, 1:05 pm

orthoebonyjewess wrote:

A non-Jewish woman married a Jewish male and had children. She wanted me to agree that her children were Jewish which I would not do. I tried everything to change the subject but she was relentless in obtaining my answer.

In such a situation, I will say "the Orthodox view is...the Conservative view is...The Reform view is..." Those are incontrovertible facts, or as incontrovertible as such a thing can be. I make no choices and no value judgements; I present the facts as I understand them and let the listener draw his/her own conclusions.

imabima

Sat, Oct 30 2010, 7:18 pm

I work in a Reform Religious school and face this problem all the time. My students (3-6 graders) ask good questions and every year we end up having a conversation about who is/isn't based on the Torah. I don't begin the conversation like this, but inevitably it comes about at one point or another during the year. Unfortunately, usually about half of my students are not halachically Jewish but think they are, as do their parents. I try not to ask/find out who is or isn't halachically Jewish because I always end up disappointed by the answer. It always seems to be the brightest, most inquisitive kids in my classes who end up being non-Jewish. I rationalize to myself that even if they aren't halachically Jewish but are being raised as "Jews" that maybe someday when they're older they'll learn more and learn that they aren't Jewish and either ditch it or convert. If I didn't think of it this way, it would be very hard to teach there.