mom not there when school starts-yes or no?

yo'ma

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 12:32 pm

I have a small dilemma. My sister is b"h getting married the first sunday in march. My kids start school the monday before. They're not going, so that's not the issue. For the 3 older ones, I don't really care, but the 2 younger ones I have the problem. The 6 yr old is starting 1st grade and I kinda feel I should be there and the 3 yr old, I also kinda have to be there. The way they do it here, the first day, they only have 1-2 hours and a parent has to stay, whether it's in the classroom or out, depending on the child. The next day, usually they have half a day and a parent maybe has to stay for a bit, outside the classroom. Maybe they have it one more day or not, depending on the child and the age, I don't exactly remember. I'm not worried about my ds needing me there, but I feel I should be. My dh will do it grudgingly (he can't sit for too long Rolling Eyes

and he'll be BORED and can't stand being bored), but that's not here nor there.

I'm also not sure when, it really depends on the days the miles are good. As of right now, the days that are good are 2 weeks before the wedding, but we'll see about that. The terrible thing is, I don't care if I don't even go. Sh, don't tell my sister that and that goes for my sisters and sil's that are on this site Wink

. It's not her wedding that I don't want to go to, it's just flying and leaving and the whole shebang. I would be taking my baby with me and he'll be 8 1/2 months by then, k"h. My dh wants me to go. I do need a vacation!! It's not even yet and I still could change my mind 100 times, except I have to make myself something to wear for the wedding. Her color scheme is purple (yes, we have color schemes and I do like it) and I have a purple dress from a brothers wedding, but I was 5 months pregnant. I really hope it doesn't fit me shock

. What do you think?

shalhevet

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 2:36 pm

Personally, I wouldn't go. The first week or two of the school year, even when your children are in 3rd grade or 6th grade or 10th grade, they need a Mommy to come home to and tell about their experiences. It's too many changes in one go. Not being there might have an impact on the whole school year.

If you are not even that heartbroken if you don't go I would really wait till they are settled in school (like a week or two after Pesach) and go to visit then if you need a holiday.

Mrs Bissli

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 3:29 pm

I pledge guilty. I missed majority of school activities. Well, at least you have DH willing to attend. He can take videos (though it may out you as a control freak), you can definitely call the house and speak with the kids, ask them how their days were. The only thing you need is to make sure all the preps (bags, uniform, nametapes, what nots) are in place before you go.

Personally I won't feel bad if I attend the wedding, but this is really a personal choice for OP. Which would you regret more--missing your sister's wedding (once in her lifetime event) vs first day at school (which is an annual event)?

Raisin

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 3:44 pm

I wouldn't miss my sisters wedding but perhaps you could go for less time? Eg be there for the first few days of school and go for shabbos and the wedding and maybe one sheva brochos.

(I missed my brothers wedding becasue I just had a baby and I am still sad about it - the wedding, not the baby)

and I think kids will understand if you go away for a wedding, 2 weeks at another time just stam to hang out with your family seems a little heartless.

yo'ma

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 8:18 pm

Raisin wrote:

(I missed my brothers wedding becasue I just had a baby and I am still sad about it - the wedding, not the baby)

I missed 2 siblings weddings because I had a baby. Their weddings were a month apart. That's why I don't care so much if I miss it. I was upset that I missed the other ones, but I got over it and I'd get over this too.

shalhevet

Tue, Dec 14 2010, 3:55 am

Mrs Bissli wrote:

I find it strange that you are focusing on the OP's preference. As if the whole problem is her missing the excitement of the first day of school. The problem, as I see it, is how it will effect her children and their first day of school (what will a video help them?)
I'm not so sure school-age kids (or younger) will "understand". I don't think young children are capable of understanding.

Sometimes a mother not being there on the first day are unavoidable - she just had a baby, there's a family emergency etc. But I personally think if at all possible a mother needs to be at home (a working mother will at least be there in the afternoon/ evening to hear about the day's events).

maofboys

Tue, Dec 14 2010, 10:40 am

shalhevet wrote:

I don't know the op and every situation is different. But missing your sisters wedding is a big deal. how would you feel if she missed yours? I know your situation is different and you think your excuse is better then anything she may have had in her single days but it doesn't work that way. you have to tap into how excited she is for her day and remember how important that day was for you.

I can see your kids are your priority which is great but sometimes people make their kids the priority over eveything and in the process hurt others. I don't think it is a big deal if her DH says he can do it he can do it. he is their father. the kids will servive and be fine.

my real question is why do you have to go for 2 weeks? why cant' you just go for the wedding and a few days or something. is your she getting married on their first day of school exactly or just around that time? if it means a little more $ to be at both places it is worth the money to make everyone happy.

bird

Tue, Dec 14 2010, 10:58 am

I would go. its no easy living far away from family and now you have a reasen to go for somyhing happy. your kids wont be alone they have your dh. I am very into participating in a family simja when there is one if can be afforded. and if you need a break how much more so. sometimes we are so busy doing for others like our kids or dh that we are not in touch with our needs. and only realise how much we needed the breath of fresh air after we have taken the break

yo'ma

Wed, Dec 15 2010, 12:34 pm

maofboys wrote:

my real question is why do you have to go for 2 weeks? why cant' you just go for the wedding and a few days or something. is your she getting married on their first day of school exactly or just around that time? if it means a little more $ to be at both places it is worth the money to make everyone happy.

It's not a hop, skip, and jump away. I don't want to spend all that money, even though I'd probably go from mileage, and distance and I seldom go, for such a short period of time. It's not worth it.

Raisin

Wed, Dec 15 2010, 12:40 pm

yo'ma wrote:

maofboys wrote:

It's not a hop, skip, and jump away. I don't want to spend all that money, even though I'd probably go from mileage, and distance and I seldom go, for such a short period of time. It's not worth it.

of course its worth it! my brother got married as far away as you possibly could and still be on this planet, and my sisters went literally just for the wedding. They travelled for a week just to be there for 2 days.

I would go, but maybe go for a week.

louche

Wed, Dec 15 2010, 1:27 pm

I have a rather radical outlook: a father is a full-fledged parent and can serve just as well as a mother in all except two aspects of parenting: pregnancy and nursing. Beyond that, mom and dad are interchangeable, especially when it comes to school functions. DH gets bored at school functions? well, lah-di-dah. Who doesn't? It's not about entertaining dh, it's about a child having parental presence when embarking on a new endeavor. ( I'm not so sure most kiddies really need the parent there and in some ways having the parent there makes it less likely that the kid will throw himself into the activities. But it depends on the child and only you , if anyone, can know what kind of children yours are. )

I get the feeling you're looking for "permission" from the board to absent yourself from the wedding. If you don't want to attend your sister's wedding because it's a hassle for you, don't go, but don't use your children's first day at school as a reason. You're B"H not a single parent, you have a partner who is willing and able to fill in--so what if he's not excited about it? Are you excited about changing diapers?-- so the I-have-to-be-there-for-my-kids excuse is just that: an excuse. And a lame one, at that. OTOH, if it is really too hard for you to travel alone with a baby, that's another story. Many people do, but many people don't.

If you decide to go, gei gezunte heit and enjoy. You won't regret it.

Mrs Bissli

Wed, Dec 15 2010, 2:51 pm

Well, if your kids are old enough to go to school, you can start preparing them before your travel. You can explain that Mummy is going away to Auntie's wedding day, but Daddy is here to look after them and Mummy can call the house so they can speak with you. Tell them how long you'll be away so that they can count down the days. You can show on the map how far you're going, how long the trip is, whom you're going to meet etc. It's nice if you can send them a postcard or get small gifts.

yo'ma

Wed, Dec 15 2010, 6:07 pm

louche wrote:

yo'ma wrote:

Me not going has nothing to do with my dh being bored or anyting,

Then why mention it--it only muddies the issue rather than clarifying, kwim?

I looked back at my post to see why I wrote that and I see because I wrote that he'll do it grudgingly. I was just clarifying why and not because he specifically doesn't want to and that would keep me from going.