surprise Shabbos guests

amother

Thu, Dec 23 2004, 4:19 pm

Hello Ladies,

Is it only me?
My husband has a way of inviting people for shabbos and then telling me after the fact. Exploding anger

I do want to have guests, but we have discussed many times that we need to plan it before he goes and invites people.
He tells me, "What is 1 more person?" I tell him it still requires planning.
For several weeks now, he has come home telling me, "Oh, by the way, so and so is coming for a meal."
shock

How should I handle this?

Last edited by amother on Fri, Apr 01 2005, 1:18 pm; edited 1 time in total

Motek

Thu, Dec 23 2004, 4:27 pm

when does he tell you?

can you ask him to say: "I think it's all right. I just need to double-check with my wife."

tell him the point is not so much the planning (though there's that too) but that, as the balabuste of the house, it's courteous to consult with you first, even if chances are, you'll say yes. That it shows his respect for you when he asks you first, and you'd love the potential guests to know that he consults with you first.

your husband is probably a generous guy who loves the idea of extending an invitation, to the delight of the guests

he can still be generous even if he checks with you first

proudmom

Thu, Dec 23 2004, 4:32 pm

Motek you took the words right out of my mouth. I was in the middle of typing and I see that you already responded. You can also tell him the same way you consult him first with everything you would like him to consult things with you too. (that is only if you do consult him first)

I would hate it too. If I was cooking already for a lot of people then what is one more person coming over. But if it was only my husband and I then one more person makes a very big thing.

amother

Thu, Dec 23 2004, 9:53 pm

Sometimes I gte a few days notice, sometimes 1 day notice.
I will try different strategies in the future.
I think there is a 'male gene' of sorts that does not understand some things.
I.e. we have a family of 6 coming this shabbos and then a single man. I asked my husband to not invite anyone else. The he gave me a talk on 'chesed l'Avraham'. We have a small apartment and logistically do not have room for anyone else.
Oh well. We'll see what happens.

sara1b

Thu, Dec 23 2004, 11:00 pm

there are a couple of my husbands friends that have an open invitation to join us for shabbos and I dont always know ahead that they will be here-but with us I am already cooking for 8 and knowing the kids will fill up on soup and salads so if it's one or two ppl it isnt a problem but a family I need extra notice for-I wish I had advice more then what was already given to help you tho

ForeverYoung
Guest

Fri, Dec 24 2004, 1:11 am

Quote:

We have a small apartment and logistically do not have room for anyone else

same here

invest in folding chairs - they take up less room than big dining room chairs. I reccomend Ikea, they 7.99 or somehing.

"where there is a room in the heart, there is space in the home" Smile

as far as logistics and chesed Avharaham, discuss w. you husband in advance how many people you can invite. Play it out - set the table & chairs - so he will see with his own eyes that unless you put some chairs on the ceiling, there's no more sitting space than for x people.

Our table is oval, so it gives us extra 4 seats Wink

shlucha+mom

Sun, Dec 26 2004, 11:21 pm

I find it easier to cook for 5 extra every Shabbos. That way I don't worry when the extra someone shows up. If I have extra (which never really happens, ) we have it on Sunday night for dinner. I was getting sick of defrosting that one extra piece of chicken right before Shabbos, and whispering in my husbands and best friends ear "wait for last, cuz I'm not sure we have enough" Or the sinking feeling when that extra person walks in the door.
It also helps me to remember that for that one last person, they would rather only get half a piece of fish over staying home alone on Shabbos. And the guests never mind squishing a little bit (laps are great-for kids that is)

curlyhead

Sun, Jan 02 2005, 5:34 am

this past week something simular happened. We were not expecting any guest and being that friday was a very busy day I made a simple shabbos in about hour. Shabbos afternoon my husband comes home that and tell me that we are having 2 guests. I put out whatever I had and made the salads a bit bigger. There was less cholent then usaul since my husband ate half on friday. Then today someone comes up to me and said "why didn't you feed your guests. They raided my fridge after the meal." I was so embarrased."

ForeverYoung
Guest

Sun, Jan 02 2005, 11:38 am

they actually had the hutzpa to say that to you?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

Generally, when people get themselves invited on Friday, they should realise that there might be somewhat less to expect.

Sunshine

Sun, Jan 02 2005, 2:40 pm

Rivky, wow that must have been embarassing for you , but where were the ladies brains?! She had no sense to keep her comments to herself?! You must make a really good chulent to have you husband eat it on Fri, how do you make it?

nomi

Mon, Feb 07 2005, 8:49 pm

What about the emotional strain involved with having company, especially guests that you do not know well, when you are already having a hard time dealing with other issues? When I've been looking forward to a quiet Shabbos, and have taken it easy with preparing (means: house is not so perfect, food is really simple and just enough for "us"), being surprised with guests and last minute scrambling is too hard.

yehudis

Mon, Feb 07 2005, 10:32 pm

I have a question. If you have a guest who just sort of comes out of nowhere, would you try to find out who he is and what his background is? Because I don't mind extra guests, and I usually make extra food, but my major concern is safety. But I don't want to ask people personal questions because I want them to feel comfortable.

Tefila

Mon, Feb 07 2005, 11:14 pm

Quote:

I have a question. If you have a guest who just sort of comes out of nowhere, would you try to find out who he is and what his background is?

Yehudis it is very important, my husband usually briefs them b/4 hand. And if he's satisfied he will invite them over.

Pearl

Tue, Feb 08 2005, 4:19 am

[quote="Rivky"] Then today someone comes up to me and said "why didn't you feed your guests. They raided my fridge after the meal." I was so embarrased."[/quote]

what a chutzpah!!

One day after giving birth last year, my husband came home with 2 young men.....I didn't enjoy that extra company I must admit....
The thing is, where we live, we are one of the few families actually having kabbalat shabbat...So when my husband sees somebody in shul who is a visitor, and has no shabbos table to go to, he will bring him with. I usually set 2 extra plates in advance.
It did happen, though, that I felt uncomfortable with the guest, like what yehudis is talking about. But what can I do? Leave a jew without shabbos meal? I just have to trust my husband not letting real creepy guys in... Wink

And to the additional amother - I agree with Motek, try to reach an agreement re communicating shabbos arrangements!