how do you discipline a child that hits his/her parents?

shevi82

Thu, Jan 27 2011, 1:22 pm

You have to be very strict about it. You do it once and then usually don't have to do it again. Hold her hands together very tightly look and her and say:"you never ever potch mommy or Aba" repeat it again and again while holding her hands. Hitting a parent is worse than if she hits a sibling, she is testing your authority and little children want authority.

saw50st8

Thu, Jan 27 2011, 1:27 pm

If you hit her, how will that make sense to her?

What we do when our kids hit is put them in time out and then talk about what they did wrong. Then we talk about what to do with our hands. We model "making nice" and then talk about clapping and other fun things we can do with our hands.

In addition, we talk about why it happened. We try to help our kids get the right words by asking leading questions. Like "Were you upset because Ploni took your toy and that's why you hit?" We use terms like upset and frustrated so they learn how to verbalize what's wrong and move towards that.

If your child isn't very verbal yet (the above worked with our oldest from around 2 and on), sternly say "We don't hit. No hit. We make nice." And then show them what making nice means.

Its not an overnight thing...these things take time.

Kayza

Thu, Jan 27 2011, 1:29 pm

amother wrote:

My daughter, who's 2 1/2, recently started hitting me and my husband whenever she gets frustrated or doesn't get what she wants. How should we discipline her for this? Should we ignore it? Put her in time-out? Potch her?

Do not ignore it - this is totally unacceptable behavior and even a 2.5 yo can learn sufficient self control. On the other hand, a potch turns this into a "fight" between you. Not a good place to go.

Time out might work, as might some other sanction along with a SHORT explanation - something along the lines of "we are NOT allowed to hit Totty / Mommy!" and into her room.

Do keep an eye out for patterns - does she do this when she is tired or hungry? Does she do this at a particular time of day - maybe she is more tired or hungry than you realized? Does she do it under certain circumstances - eg after long trips where she has to sit fairly still for more than a few minutes? If you find a pattern, you need to find a way to ameliorate the issue. A toddler who is tired and hungry is going to have a very hard time with self control, so is a child who is over-stimulated, etc. Make sure that your expectations are realistic - for instance toddlers really don't do well with situations where they have to sit fairly still for more than 10-15 minutes.

octopus

Thu, Jan 27 2011, 1:34 pm

When is it happening? Does it happen when he/she is tired? Is it during a temper tantrum? Sometimes we have to be secheldig when it comes to these matters. If it happens just when the kid isn't getting something, then it's time to discipline (whatever works- like a timeout/time out of a favorite toy)but if a kid is overtired, it's time to put them to bed...

tzipp

Thu, Jan 27 2011, 1:47 pm

1. Stay calm
2. talk is a slow, serious, calm voice to explain that hitting especially parents is not allowed
3.time out/ quiet time, alone or on your lap, finishing off with a calm explanation, an apology, and a hug.
4. Don't dwell on it at other times

On your side, try not to show that it frustrated you, those emotionion are sensed by kids and they may fee off of them and act out further, so if you need time out to calm down after, you take it.

Maybe some extra positive attention at other times, allow conversation to flow, see if anything is bothering your child in general, this can "offset" the negative.

Good luck!

granolamom

Thu, Jan 27 2011, 3:05 pm

first identify why she is hitting
then you can say 'oooh, you're ANGRY! so angry at mommy because I said no cookies!' while you hold her hands gently and then add the 'no hitting, use your words' thing.
at this age, I doubt it is indicative of sociopathic or chutzpa behavior. its a normal way that kids that age try to communicate strong feelings. still needs to be dealt with but I wouldnt take a punitive approach. let her know you get her, give her a name for her emotion and help her use her words. and of course when she does use words instead of hitting let her know you notice.

amother

Sun, Jan 30 2011, 1:02 pm

OP here. So, usually she hits us when she wants something that we won't allow her to have, like if she wants to have cookies right before supper, for example. She gets very upset, and throws a temper-tantrum... I've tried talking to her about how she's feeling at that moment "Are you so upset? I know that you want cookies, they're very yummy, but first we have to eat supper, etc etc etc" I've tried talking to her very firmly and saying "no hitting! hands are not for hitting!" (we have the book "Hands Are Not For Hitting"). The time-out thing hasn't really seemed to make an impact. Later on, when she's not so upset, I ask her about hitting and she tells me that hands are not for hitting, that hitting isn't nice and makes people sad. So, she does understand that she shouldn't hit... I've also noticed that she gets frustrated very easily and whenever I try to calm her and ask her what's wrong, it just gets her more frustrated...
any ideas?!??!

mae1984

Sun, Jan 30 2011, 1:17 pm

I don't agree with talking to her and explaining why she can't hit. Here is what I do with my daughter who just turned 3, I've been doingit for a few months now.

1. Child hits.
2. I come down to her level and say in a very stern voice, "No, you do NOT hit. If you hit me again you will go to the naughty corner/time out/step"
3. Inevitably, the child hits again.
4. No talking, no warning. I pick her up and I put her in the naughty corner. I then come down to her level and tell her to stay there until I tell her.
5. Most kids will not listen and will try to come out/run away. Without talking to them, take them by the hand and lead them back and sit them down and repeat that she has to stay there until I tell her. Consistency is then key. It might take 10 or 20 or 30 times, but the child has to learn to sit in the naughty spot.
6. After a minute or 2, I come to my daughter and talk to her in a nicer voice, still stern and at her level. I say to her "Sweetie, do we hit?" and she has to answer. Then we say that hitting is not nice because...... then I ask her if she will do it again and she says no. then I ask her to say sorry and give me a hug and a kiss.
7. After this, it is all over, I will play with her as I was playing with her before it happened.

With this, consistency is the key. The naughty corner is how we discipline, it's one warning then the corner. The first few times to keep the child in the naughty corner takes alot of patience and repetition, but after that becomes a tool of teaching good behaviour.
Have a google of Supernanny Jo Frost, this is the technique that she uses and has really worked for us.

amother

Sun, Jan 30 2011, 1:28 pm

mae1984 wrote:

OP here. LOL, as I was reading what you wrote, I was thinking, "that's exactly like Supernanny!!!". Yeah, I've tried disciplining her that way, we have a naughty chair. But I guess maybe I haven't been as consistent as I ought to be. Maybe I'll give it another try...it seems to work very well on her show!

happy mom1

Sun, Jan 30 2011, 1:31 pm

What works for me is ignoring completely the negative behavior. The reason she is hitting is to get your attention, negative or not. I find that my 2.5 yr old is really beginning to realize that such negative behaviors such as hitting, tantrums etc. will not faze mommy. when she hits me or dh we do not bat an eyelash, and just go about business as usual... (I'm currently listening to parenting lectures on this approach and find its exactly what my daughter needs.)

granolamom

Sun, Jan 30 2011, 9:29 pm

I wouldnt go through the whole rationalization of why you arent giving her what she wants. but whether or not you do the time out thing, or the holding down the hands, or the 'no hitting' I still think kids that age are new to their emotions and need WORDS to describe their feelings. let her know she is ANGRY and that she can and should say 'ANGRY!' instead of hitting you. and praise her for using words instead of hands.
I like to use the ignore/distract approach after first stating 'oh youre angry mommy said no cookies. I know you want cookies, but you can have an apple. or do you want to help me wash vegetables?' if she continues to tantrum, I'd ignore it personally, and let it fizzle out.
really, at this age, the hitting is not chutzpa or malicious. the kid is trying to express herself and isnt able to move on from the negative emotion. give her some help.

if your child isnt getting it, spend some time (when she isnt upset) talking about feelings, identify the basic ones ie happy, sad, angry, silly, tired, scared. talk about when she might feel that way, etc.

Mkay

Sun, Jan 30 2011, 9:39 pm

happy mom1 wrote:

I would add, when she does something positive, that's when you should give her tons of compliments, attention for it. That's when you should go on and on. Success breeds success - make a big deal of the positive and you'll put her in a cycle of doing things that pleases you. When she does something negative, say in a low tone of voice, we don't do that, and change the topic. Move on.

mummiedearest

Sun, Jan 30 2011, 9:41 pm

now, I use time out. at 2.5 I sat with my child every time and talked to him. "are you upset? I think you are. I think it's because mommy didn't give you a cookie. next time, you need to tell mommy 'mommy, I'm upset. I wanted you to give me a cookie, and you didn't.' and you need to do it without hitting."

it took a few weeks, but he learned to talk to me nicely when he was upset (no tantruming). unfortunately, that training went out the window when he had a horrible teacher in his nursery class. it lasted a few months, though. I did it for hitting and screaming. consistency is key.