empowering the victim

amother

Wed, Feb 09 2011, 12:12 pm

My second grade son is constantly coming home with stories, this one hit me, that one called me names. He's been like this since preschool. the stories are true and when ds tells his rebbi 'rebbi didnt do anything' or 'rebbi didnt listen to me'.
back in preschool, I'd call the morah and she'd deal with it. but now, ds is 7 and while I dont want to blame the victim, he is a bit whiny and has that 'everybody's out to get me' mentality. I think that's why the rebbi isnt taking him seriously.
so I need advice.
first, how much involvement should I have with the rebbi here? its not the same kid(s) all the time bullying him. he is not 'targeted'. most of the time its the kids who are known to be aggressive kids and they treat many children this way, so I know he isnt being singled out. but he is small and quiet so maybe he is easily picked on.
that said, he came home on friday limping, a kid kicked him where it hurts, if ykwim. very not ok.
and secondly, how to I teach him to stand up for himself/walk away/whatever. its like he walks around with a 'kick me' sign on his forehead. my gut tells me that he is getting some sort of secondary benefit from being the victim but I cant figure it out. probably because he's my kid and I think he is wonderful Very Happy

advice? opinions? comments?

Wed, Feb 09 2011, 12:25 pm

It is not acceptable for children to hurt each other, even if they don't like each other. It is the adults' responsibility to teach the children how to behave by modeling, encouraging and acknowledging desired behavior and by setting appropriate consequences for undesirable behavior. This very definitely is the teacher/rebbi/principal's problem. Speak up.

As for teaching social skills: How about role-playing a scenario with him, then switch roles? Perhaps his father (or another male role model) could discuss this situation with him?

Hope that helps.

MRS.Mentsch

Wed, Feb 09 2011, 12:33 pm

As I child I was very much like your son. For some reason, kids just decided I was an easy target. Maybe it was because I was small, very small for my age, IDK, but I was picked on and nudged all day, every day.

First - I would recommend you stop seeing your son as being whiny. Kids can be really mean, and if all day you are the butt of jokes, and the punching bag, its understandable to feel a sad, and unheard. Sometimes teachers notice, but don't want to make the kid more of a nebuch by standing up for them. They think if they ignore it, the kid will stand up for himself, and thus not be picked on anymore. Sometimes that works, but many times it doesn't.

Second - I know how hard this can be because of the hours available in the day, but I would recommend getting your son involved in some sort of activity he'll thrive in. Could be anything, the point is, to help him find something he's good at, where he'll "fit in" with everyone else. That will give him self confidence that he can take with him to other situations, and people will see he is no longer the easy target. I hope this makes sense.

Last - This is really important, when your son comes home, sad (in the short term) please reassure him that you know how mean kids can be, but he is a wonderful, amazing boy.... Hear what he wants to tell you, let him get it off his chest, without feeling like he's being whiny. Tell him this will pass, and when he is one of the cool kids, he'll remember to treat everyone nicely.

Merrymom

Wed, Feb 09 2011, 1:48 pm

I don't know if this is done in your circles or if you care if it is or isn't but if he were my son I'd sign him up for a karate class. That being said, even if you're right about him being whiny and acting like a victim, kicking a boy in his privates is really going over the line. I'd make a really big fuss with the rebbi and the child who did that until it was dealt with.

amother

Wed, Feb 09 2011, 1:58 pm

Two years ago my DD was one of several victims to a class bully.

Inasmuch as I don't believe in blaming the victim and I believe in protecting my child, etc...I do feel that you will not always be able to do so; hence, the best thing you can do for your child is what you referred to in your original post and also in the title of this thread: Empower your child.

I sent my DD to a social skills club and IMVHO it is the best money I ever spent on her. She went thru two basic skill levels that included self-awareness (including letting her tap into her own amazing qualities and becoming aware of herself as someone who can stand up for herself and not let others hurt her) and awareness of others (included friend-making skills, how to approach others, join conversations, and maintain friendships).

I'm not a professional, and I don't think I could've given on my own what she got from these groups. I can say that she became more confident, and she now has friends and also social standing in the class. She no longer feels picked on and has learned how to shrug off the small stuff.

If this is something you would consider, I highly recommend it. If this is something you can give your child yourself, by reading books and role playing with your child, then that would be a tremendous gift as well.

Twizzlers

Wed, Feb 09 2011, 4:30 pm

amother wrote:

how do u find such a "social skills club"? are you in brooklyn? can u recommend one? my son would benefit tremendously from something like this.