I "spoiled" her and now we have MAJOR sleep issues

amother

Sun, Aug 28 2011, 7:54 pm

You'd think by a third baby I'd be more of a scheduler and stuff but when I had my third 5.3 months ago, I was very relaxed, I fed (nursed) on demand throughout the day and night and I slept the baby in a bassinet then crib to start the night but when she would wake at 945-10 for her first night feed I would take her next to me and sleep the rest of the night with her in my bed.
I also carry her around a lot. I never got the hang of baby wearing so I literally hold her for hours in a day. And she is big now it can really start to hurt!!!
When she "plays" she doesn't like to be alone so I sit with her. She basically is always in my company either being held, fed or playing for a little. Naps are not scheduled - there is always one in the crib an hour-two after she wakes in the morning but it doesn't last long. Maybe 45 minutes? And then there is a second nap around lunch time that also doesn't last long. So if she is in the car or a stroller she naps a bit more and then by 6 she is ready to go to sleep for the night.
The thing is the fact that I held her so much means:
She will only go to sleep - nap or night-time - by being rocked.
When she wakes up she cries till she gets rocked again back to sleep.
At night even in my bed she wants to be held. I sleep with my arms hugging her so she feels like I am holding her. And therefore I sleep very lightly. And I am exhausted.
And at 5.3 months, only on breastmilk but slowly introducing some solids, she still wakes to eat at night every 2-3 hours. During the day she eats every 3-4. At night she takes less (one side vs 2).

My question is, how do I change some of these bad habits.
Firstly, I would like her to put herself to sleep, not need to be rocked.
Right now she is screaming. She went to bed at 615, then woke at 715 and has been crying since. I went in to her and held her and she fell asleep but the second I put her down she woke up. And has been screaming since. I will have to go back to her. She will not put herself back to sleep.
Also, how do I get her to take longer naps. 45 minutes is too short. She needs to be at 2 2 hour naps right now. When she wakes after 45 minutes do I not go in?
And lastly, do I keep up holding her all the time throughout the day? It's very hard. When I put her down she doesn't entertain herself for long at all. I barely can get anything done.
Thanks.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Aug 28 2011, 10:36 pm

Give her a Nuk pacifyer and sit in a rocking chair next to the crib with your hand resting on her tummy through the bars. And sing a lullabye. IMHO this is no biggie. Wait her out. She will be crawling and running out of sight soon enough. Soon you will wish she would phone more often. Just enjoy all that contact. During the day, making eye contact can work wonders. Make eye contact and smile widely.

Don't let her cry. You can't win an argument with a baby.

LiLIsraeli

Sun, Aug 28 2011, 11:16 pm

I hear you, OP. I know how frustrating it can be to be constantly at your baby's beck and call and not have any time for yourself.

Some ideas:

Firstly, for her naps. Make sure the room is dark and cool, and try to accustom her to a transitional object. My 13-month-old DD won't take a pacifier (since about 8 months), but she loves her fleece blanket. Feeling it and rubbing her face in it helps to calm her down. Does your baby have something like this? It makes things a lot easier.

Secondly, if you feel like 45 minutes is not long enough for a nap, don't go in as soon as she wakes up, unless she is crying from misery. Sometimes babies (even adults!) wake up when transitioning between sleep cycles, and maybe she just needs a minute to calm herself down and go back to sleep. Also, if you give her 5-10 minutes before going in after she wakes up, she may get used to the idea and stop being so miserable when you don't come in right away.

Thirdly, it's important for your sanity and for your baby's development that she get some individual play time every day. While of course it is healthy for you to sit with her, play with her, and interact with her, she is beginning to be at the age where she can play on her own for short periods of time. Set her on her stomach with a few toys, or put her in an exersaucer which will keep her busy. Stay in the same room as her so she sees you and knows you're there, but she also needs to learn how to play on her own. I think that developmentally, it isn't fair to expect her to keep busy for more than 20 minutes at a time, but that amount of time will increase as she gets older.

Hatzlacha! I hope things get easier for you.

Culturedpearls

Mon, Aug 29 2011, 10:42 am

I can so relate!! My first 5 babies (in 6 years) were on a strict schedule. After that I relaxed & now the little guys are not going to sleep at 7pm like their older siblings did. My youngest is the most spoilt & I just love it.
However, I did reach a point of "teaching" her a routine of sleep & play. Little things like a strict bedtime routine everynight so she knows when it's sleep time. With rocking I slowly switched to patting & then rubbing her tummy softly. Walking out before she was completely asleep so she could learn to fall asleep on her own. Just letting her cry wouldn't work as she has KA"H too many "parents" (Siblings) who rush at her slightest whimper.

Chavelamomela

Mon, Aug 29 2011, 3:52 pm

First of all, I hear your frustration, your exhaustion - and your worry that your baby will not learn other (gentle?) ways of falling asleep.

I want to tell you that you sounds perfectly normal and that your baby sounds perfectly normal for her age.

I second (third?) the recommendation for Dr. Elizabeth Pantley's "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" - it's not a method that is fixed overnight, but it will help you learn your baby's own tired signs and help you develop an alternative routine for how to introduce sleep to her with other cues.

Secondly, this stage is frustrating, but it doesn't last forever! My ds2 was like yours, my DH was not capable of helping at night (disabled), so the easiest and best solution was to have baby sleep in my bed so I could have easy access and we both could got back to sleep easily when he needed to nurse.

Third, it's actually quite common and normal for your baby to need to nurse at night - so although you may hear of other babies who don't nurse as much at night, it sounds pretty normal to me.

Please be aware that our culture puts a lot of negativity toward normal baby/parent behaviors - responding to your baby's cues, by nursing her holding/wearing her a lot is not "Spoiling" her - its responding to her needs, building security and attachment, and is the glue that helps you build your relationship. As she grows, there will be other ways to develop your relationship, but for a baby, being close to mommy, nursing from her, being rocked, smelling her, etc is the way they feel secure and comfortable.

So I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to feel guilty for how you have parented her - it really sounds like you're doing great.

And do yourself a favor, and get a sling or a mei tei or an ergo so you can have free-hands and save your back when you hold her. I recommend trying a back-carry, as those are much better on your back (and you can use a front-carry just for nursing while being worn).

This too shall pass!