I'm @ my whits end. unhealthy grandparent situation?

amother

Mon, Oct 03 2011, 2:58 pm

DD is obsessed with her Oma. We live in the same town since my husband has a good job here- but I really don't think this is healthy.

Let me just preface that dh and I try to be such loving caring parents and we do so much for her, and I've been home with her most of the time. She is 2 & some and she's acting in ways I don't know if this is healthy. Her oma completely spoils her rotten and lets her act however she wants. If she screams, she immediately gives her whatever she wants. She'll always give her mac and cheese so whenever DD goes to her house she demands mac n cheese and won't take anything else b/c she knows her oma will make it for her. She'll hold her even though she knows how to walk, etc. Every time we see them they give her 1 or 2 more extravagant doll or toys. We've spoken to them tons of times and they always say the same thing "there is nothing wrong with spoiling your grandchild! she loves it here and we take such good care of her, why does this bother you??"
We have the approach that you can not give in to kvetching and yelling or screaming to get what you want so we have taught her at home and at home she acts so nicely and doesn't get things by demanding and yelling. But she is obsessed with her oma. When we go in the car the first thing she says is that she wants to see oma. "go omas house!!" and when we say that we are not going there she will start to cry. Then she will calm down and have a good time where we go- but it puts a sour taste that she always anticipates only going to omas house. And the times we DO go -usually for a shabbos meal, (which we have limited) she won't want to come to me or DH she will only want oma (That is unless it's a friday night and really late, she will say "want to go home!" and she'll cling to daddy or mommy- so that does give us some hope that she likes home too..) But a main concern is that when she comes HOME from omas house she acts like a spoiled brat with crying and kvetching- which is so unlike her!!! And the next day she will remember and kvetch to go back. We once called her and I put DD on the phone and when oma picked up she kept saying "go to your house? /come play with toys?" etc. etc. and then for hours after she was a kvetching spoiled wreck. DH finds all this highly unhealthy but when I mentioned all this to the pediatrician he said it's normal for kids to be attached to their grandparents. I really don't think it is supposed to be like this though.. It makes me so mad! I tried talking to them, I once wrote a letter about a lot of the concerns I have here but the onlly response I got was that "shes always so good here I don't know what you mean, and we treat her so well theres nothing wrong with a grandchild being attached to their grandmother!"
I guess my question here is does this sound unhealthy? Or am I crazy and is this really normal?

zaq

Mon, Oct 03 2011, 3:44 pm

So long as your dd knows the rules at home and follows them most of the time, and so long as your Ils aren't putting her in danger by letting her do things like climb on windowsills or run out into the street, or feeding her food that she shouldn't have for genuine medical reasons like allergies or metabolic disorders, you should take a chill pill.

Oma wants to hold her, so what? Oma wants to hold her because it's a way of showing love. She's two, not twelve. Carrying a two-year-old is not abnormal. Being cranky when a happy outing is over, looking forward to a treat is all normal. I think you have a lot to learn about two-year-olds and are expecting your dd to behave older than her age. You can't force or expect a two-year -old to behave like an adult.

Nothing wrong with g-rents being more indulgent than parents. Getting to indulge your grandchildren is your reward for not murdering your children.

Be glad that your dd loves her g-rents; not all children do and some are downright afraid of them or dislike them. That she loves going there is no slight to you--she lives at home, so going to Oma is a treat! Everyone loves treats. Mommy and daddy are disciplinarians, I think. Oma isn't. Who wouldn't enjoy that?

Loving grandparents add so much richness to a child's life. It's not just about the toys and the food, it's about the genuine love. The fact that g-rents don't have to worry about discipline is part of what makes the relationship special, pure love unmarred by power struggles.

What I'm hearing underlying everything else is jealousy--jealousy that your dd appears to prefer her Oma to you. Relax. You're her Mommy. You know how chazal say a person is known bekoso bekiso uvekaaso? Add to that "beleuto" (in his fatigue). When tired and cranky, a kid wants his Mommy. Mommy is home, security, love and comfort. Oma is great as an adventure but Mommy is home and home is where the heart is. Your dd will not grow up thinking your MIl is her mother or loving her Oma more than you. Oma is a change in the routine but dd knows who her Mommy is, and when the chips are down, it's Mommy a child wants. You don't usually hear people in distress calling for their Omas but strong men dying in battle and strong women writhing in labor can be heard screaming for their mothers--even if their mothers weren't especially good ones.

I would worry more if dd screamed that she **didn't** want to go to her g-rents.

However, when it comes to the lavish gifts, if these are given very often--you don't say how often it is--you may want to choose this as your battle. If the gifts are inappropriately lavish or violate some principle of yours--like being made of fur if you oppose fur or are too secular or violent or encourage middos you don't care for like vanity or gluttony, this you should discuss calmly and maturely with your ILs. Maybe give them a list of things you'd like dd to have and let them choose gifts that way. Or agree that they will give gifts for special occasions such s YT or b-days but not at other times. Compromise is the name of the game.

Don't worry, your dd won't love her Oma more than you just because Oma gives her foods that you don't or gifts more lavish than you do. All g-rents do that, or almost all, and that's one of the pleasures and privileges of being a grandparent, but give your dd, young as she is, a little credit. She loves her mother best of all.

morah

Mon, Oct 03 2011, 3:46 pm

Unless your child is spending large amounts of time with oma every single day (for example, you work full-time and oma babysits), don't worry too much. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren. They already did the not-fun part when they raised you/your spouse, and now they get to have fun and watch you struggle! My own grandparents are quite fond of the old saying "If we had known how much fun grandchildren were we would have had them first!" Now, if this is happening every day, it could be a problem, because children need order and routine and can't be stuffed with sweets all the time. But a Shabbos or Sunday here and there? No problem. And of course she'll say she likes oma better because in the short term that's true, but really, she does know that she needs her mom and dad and she really does like it best at home. Let oma enjoy her grandchildren, and let the grandchildren enjoy one of the most special relationships there is.

MommytoB

Mon, Oct 03 2011, 7:29 pm

Sounds like a 2 year old! You cannot reason with them and they want what they want when they want it. I personally think 3 year olds are even worse but that's a whole other story...

When I just had one child I would feel very frustrated by how grandparents were handling my child. I think with every additional child you learn to step back and appreciate the extra help and knowing there is someone out there who loves your child and will take care of them no matter what. They might get extra treats you would never give them but it is supposed to be a special relationship on both sides. My kids know their grandparents will give them special things and they can stay up late with them etc. and they still know that my rules are my rules.

It's hard with your baby but try to step back and see how special it is for the two of them.

amother

Tue, Oct 04 2011, 11:55 am

But my question is: when does it become an unhealthy situation? This week DD spent an hour and a half after her nap crying and yelling that she wanted to go to Oma's house- I tried EVERYTHING to console her and offered everything under the sun. She kept yelling "NO!" every time I tried to console her, I said things like "but sweetheart we can't go to oma's now, lets go outside together and play on the swings" and "okay lets put on music and read a book!" --all the things she usually loves to do. But she just kept having tantrums about going to omas. She finally calmed down once I made her french toast.. but kept asking about going to omas. In my mind, it is not normal for a kid to act like this. I know they say terrible 2s and 2 year olds etc etc HOWEVER if the only time she gets like this to this extreme is when it has to do with oma I think it might be unhealthy. Her other set of grandparents she has a very healthy relationship with - it's not too obsessive and she loves going there but she doesn't have panic attacks about going there.

zaq

Tue, Oct 04 2011, 12:28 pm

Has it occurred to you that your dd may be picking up on your attitude towards your mil? You strongly disapprove of your MIL's relationship with her, and though you may think you're hiding the fact very well, chances are your body language is shrieking out the truth. Children being less verbal than adults and thus less blinded by verbal smokescreens, are fluent readers of body language. Don't try to put one over on a child.

It is entirely possible that dd fears that any time you say she can't go to visit Oma, that means she can't go, ever again. Because you approve of your parents, dd does not have to get anxious about never being allowed to see them again, because she does not sense that this is a possibility. Not being allowed to see Oma, though, is a possibility in her mind.

"later" "tomorrow" "after YT" doesn't mean much to a two-year-old. They live in the here and now. Combine that with a possible deep and not illogical fear that you won't let her see her beloved Oma, and you have all the ingredients for exactly the kind of perfect storm you're experiencing.

Seriously, OP? I think you're the one making the situation unhealthy. Don't fight your mil over dd the way a dog might fight over a bone. Lighten up, loosen up, and ditch the jealousy. Loving her Oma doesn't mean dd loves you any less. There's enough love in your dd to go around.

ElTam

Tue, Oct 04 2011, 12:30 pm

She's two. And she sees that it gets your goat when she talks about Oma. So of course she's going to davka throw a fit about Oma. When you are that age, you are figuring out that you are an independent person and you have some control over their lives. Think about it. You pick when she gets up, what she eats, what she wears, when she has a bath, etc. So at this age, it is natural for kids to try to assert their own identity.

And, and I can't stress this enough, the more she sees that it bugs you, the more she's going to do it. Kids that age notice EVERYTHING, the way you hold your body, the tone of your voice. Etc. It's not that they are being bad or chutzpadik. Kids that age are too young to be chutzpadik (I heard that teaching given over in the name of Rav Shlomo Wolbe zatzal). She's just figuring out her world and the limits of it. And if she sees that she can drive Mommy crazy by asking for Oma 200 times, she's going to ask for Oma 215 times.

I would try this. When she asks about Oma, answer her by saying, "Shabbos we are going to Oma's. Let's count how many days that is. One, two, three. In three days we are going to Oma's. Won't that be fun? I know Oma will be happy to see you and you will be happy to see her. Oma loves you. But today is not Shabbos. Today we are can play with the dollhouse or go to the library. What would you like to do? (Or whatever your options are.)" Don't use the word no in your answer. "Yes, we are going to see Oma. Tomorrow we are going to see Oma and you will play with the special toys at Oma's house." Because after you say no, she doesn't hear anything else you say.

She'll ask you again and again. Just keep to the same answer and keep it positive. And see if you can give her choices in other areas as well. Chose between two snacks, two pairs of shoes, two outfits, the green cup or the pink cup, etc. She may fight you less if you give her more options.

lamplighter

Tue, Oct 04 2011, 1:49 pm

To your daughter going to Oma is like going to a toy store or disney land -a wonderful world of goodness Smile

Think about what her Oma is doing and if anything is interfering with your parenting. That should be your only concern. Are the toys she gives her excessive to the point that she doens't appreciate play time? does she give her treats close to bedtime? Is she getting her hyper before she needs to take a nap?
Anything that interferes can be discussed or negotiated but everything else you should let go. Either way you are the parent so if you decide that she's there too much, then cut the visits to once a week or so. She asks and tantrums? Don't most kids pull that one when they want something?