My 2.5 year old won't say please/thank you

Capitalchick

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 5:37 am

My daughter is quite smart and stubborn. When someone gives her something or does something nice for her, we ask her to say please/thank you as appropriate. She won't. She just looks at us with big puppy dog eyes and remains completely mute.

We've tried encouraging her with stickers when she's 'polite', we've tried punishing her for being impolite, but nothing seems to work.

Any ideas about what we can do?

5*Mom

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 5:54 am

Children learn best by example and worst (if at all) by being forced to do something. I wouldn't say a thing to your daughter about it any more, but when someone gives her something or does something nice, YOU say thank you. She'll pick it up as she grows.

Capitalchick wrote:

My daughter is quite smart and stubborn.

BTW, these are BOTH positive qualities! Appreciate them.

33055

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 5:56 am

I agree. My daughter also was a bit shy to say thank you and hello and goodbye. Just keep urging them to do it. Manners see important. I am now complimented on my kids manners. My son's teacher just called me up to tel me he is the only kids who says thank you when given a paper in class. Manners will serve them well especially when dealing with people outside this community. Kudos for you teaching your daughter manners. She will catch on.

Capitalchick

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 6:11 am

Thanks for all the answers. I just wanted to answer one of the questions: In the past, when she's asked for something and refused to say please, we've simply said "I'm sorry, but you can't have it unless you say please". Well, she just says "Ok, so I won't have it". And that's it.

We weren't sure what to do with that, so we would just move along, not make a big deal about it, but still not give it to her. She's SO stubborn! She would rather not have anything to drink with dinner, not have dessert, not play with a toy, etc. than say please! And she's perfectly willing to give them up. She just doesn't want to say please.
Sigh....

de_goldy

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 6:16 am

I wouldn't make it into a power struggle. I would just say it back to her the way I would like her to say it as I'm giving her what she wants.

eg. daughter: I want water
me: Please may I have some water (in a pleasant tone of voice while pouring her the drink)

yOungM0mmy

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 6:50 am

My son was like that too - and sooo stubborn. I found giving him or choice, or saying I'll "help" him, makes it easier for him to swallow his pride. EG every single day I make my kids say thank you to their nursery teachers. To this son, I gave him a choice - say thank you, or wave (goodbye). He often chose to wave, but at least he acknowledged his teachers. Sometimes even that didn't work, and he said I should help him, so I used to hold his wrist while he waved, and then he would do it. But it was not an option - after being explained in private that he must say thank you when someone does something for him, otherwise they will not do it again, and I'll help him if he'd like, he had to choose in which format he would do the thanking.
What about using Makaton signs? then your daughter can do the symbol however small-scale or grand she would like, and doesn't have to physically say it, but knows that she can not get away without acknowledging other people and what they do for her.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 7:02 am

IMVHO the only thing you are teaching your 2.5 year old, when you withhold anything if he/she doesn't say please/thank you (which is punishing), is that big people can control little people and push them around. The whole lesson is being lost, no matter how smart your child is.

I would just continue to model good behavior, and drop the whole topic for when your child personally displays a readiness for this. I'm sure you don't want your child to develop an antipathy toward saying please/thank you, so you are best off not enforcing this with any negativity, or that's what your child will associate this with.

ETA - I have a good friend whom I respect tremendously, she works in special ed and teaches behavior modification. I have observed her say "please" when her child requests something, and then hand her child what she asked for and say "thank you" - she is doing the saying, not her child. She is teaching them that this is what you should be saying, and you can copy this whenever you feel ready. This was with a two-year-old.

gryp

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 8:21 am

IMO, you're working too hard. Simply model the behaviors you want from her, and say "please" and "thank you" for her.
2.5 year olds are supposed to be stubborn.
Eventually she'll pick up the "please" and "thank you" thing. You do want it to come naturally to her and not robotically, right?
Drop the whole thing, you'll both be much happier.

IloveHashem613

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 9:59 am

gryp wrote:

totally agree. your 2.5 year old is not expected to say please and thank you at all times...they are tiny little stubborn people who are trying to test the adults in their life and test their boundaries. of course we want our kids to be polite but this issue is just not something you should make yourself crazy over. she will learn eventually but I think you are expecting too much of a 2.5 year old...

yOungM0mmy

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 2:44 pm

Capitalchick wrote:

I also picked when I made it an issue that they had to say please. A drink with dinner is not really an extra, so if I know it's an issue I'll just say the please as I pour it. A treat, however, is an extra, in which case I can make a stand and insist on a please if they would like it, or if they don't want to say please, they can do without.

shnitzel

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 2:55 pm

de_goldy wrote:

That's what I do with my very stubborn, clever and sometimes devious 2.5 year old.

faigie

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 3:00 pm

The solution is simple. Next time she asks for something, hold back the toy (or whatever) and with a smile prompt her to say thank you. If she doesnt comply, she doesnt get the toy. Most of my kids pick up pretty quickly! ( even at 2.5)
thing is, you dont punish and get angry, you just dont give her what she wants if she doesnt say the "magic words". When she does say thank you, give her a hug etc.

causemommysaid

Mon, Nov 07 2011, 3:08 pm

im surprised a2.5 year old is willing to forgo all those treats, toys, etc and not have a tantrum.

thats really mature and smart.

I personally would have a ticket system or chart where every time she says please or thank you she gets another sticker and then after a certain number she gets a prize.

Happy Mom

Tue, Nov 08 2011, 12:06 am

At this age, don't turn it into a power struggle by insisting on it, but instead model saying thank you to her, your husband, whoever, and she'll naturally imitate you. I also have a 2.5 year old, and we sometimes laugh at how often he thanks us, and for what (this morning he said, "Thank you for giving me cod liver oil, Mommy" - and he hates the taste!).

I occasionally will thank myself out loud when I do something for my littles, and then they realize without me telling them that thank you would be appropriate then, and they say it.

Happy Mom

Tue, Nov 08 2011, 12:22 am

Capitalchick wrote:

I'd suggest you drop the entire issue for a couple of weeks, and then approach it differently. You said you already model saying thank you, so the next stage is how to teach her without it being a big issue. By telling her she can't have something until she says thank you, it's turning into a power struggle. Instead of phrasing it like the above, when she (for example) asks for a cup of water, you can say, "Can I have a cup of water, please?", and then hand it to her with a smile, saying "I'd love to give you a cup of water!" And then you can say (still with a big smile), "Thank you, Mommy." Don't insist on her repeating what you say, and don't do it with an edge in your voice, or she'll feel manipulated. This is just a more active way of modeling what you want her to learn.

There's a lot you can say and do when your child is open to you, but as soon as they feel you have an agenda that isn't accepting of them, their resistance to whatever you say shoots right up.