My 2 year old thinks he owns my body

amother

Wed, Nov 09 2011, 2:47 pm

I stopped nursing my 2 year old son a good 5 months ago, but I get the feeling that he still believes my body is HIS.
He likes to rub me, especially my breasts. I tell him to stop, and it works for 3 seconds, and then he's back to caressing my breasts. And when I tell him to get his hands off of me, he starts rubbing my arm up and down. Just stroking me, and then his hands move closer, and once again, he's stroking my breasts. I don't want to be rubbed or caressed, I want my body to myself!!!
I get so irritated by this when he won't stop that I really feel like patching him when he does so.
This most frequently happens when I'm lying down near him in an attempt to get him to calm down enough to go to sleep... so getting up when he does that, or disciplining him, just would wake him up even more and he won't go to sleep, and I have a hard enough time getting him to chill out enough to go to sleep. In a way, I feel he strokes me as a soothing mechanism instead of nursing (he was nursing very frequently and I abruptly weaned him within a day because of medical issues that came up), but whatever the reason, it feels very inappropriate and I really don't like it.

He'll also walk up to me and try picking up my shirt because "he wants to see my breasts". Uch.

Suggestions please how to deal with this issue? Anyone else dealt with it?

Tweedy

Wed, Nov 09 2011, 4:51 pm

Oh I feel so sorry for you Sad

must feel so uncomfortable and embarrassing if he also does it in public. that is one of the reasons why I am against nursing kids who can walk, talk or even understand whats going on! The maximum should be 1 if not earlier. I heard on the radio the other day, a mother goes to his sons preschool every day for lunch to nurse him (4 years old) helloooo???

Anyway, maybe explain to him that it's private and our bodys are very holy and belong to us and we only take it out when nedded I.e. for a baby to nurse and have nourishment. But because he is not a baby anymore and he is a big boy he can have the "real" food. Not sure if a 2 year old will understand this concept thoguh depends on the child. Also maybe out something inbetween you when you are trying to put him to sleep. Like a teddy? maybe a big teddy! so he can hug and stroke the teddy if thats what he need to go to sleep.

Hope it works out for you! Haztlocha!

amother

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 11:37 am

emesornt wrote:

ye what tweedy said. im sorry to say, u may have brought this upon yourself. nursing to an age where they start to understand body parts… well ure taking a risk. u cant complain now that he likes it. u gave it to him!!!

Excuse me, but I think you're out of line. Saying because I nursed my 18 month old, I'm "asking for it" for him to think he owns my body? No.
He hasn't nursed for a good 6 months and there are other kids who nurse even longer than 18 months. I'm asking for advice on how to deal with the situation now, not a lecture for nursing my kid totally within the realm of normalcy and actually not even as long as recommended by the World Health Organization or even by halacha. I didn't even nurse him to two, let alone 3 or 4 or 5. An 18 month old is still a baby and there is nothing "odd" or "strange" or "I brought it upon myself because I nursed him excessively". Sorry, emesornt, you seem to have a very anti nursing stance (as I've seen from other posts), so if you have nothing constructive to say, say nothing please.

Now, anyone else, please, how do I deal with this issue RIGHT NOW, because every time my son rubs my breasts or whatever, I really have the urge to be physically violent with him, it gets me so mad.

I tried explaining to him that they're "MY Breasts" and I don't let him touch them... his answer "No, they're mine!" Uhh... not quite, but he's definitely not at the age to understand kedusha and holiness and bodily privacy, though that would be nice...

amother

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 12:26 pm

chanahlady wrote:

Wear tucked-in shirts, sports bras, vests over your shirts, anything to make them inaccessible and/or flatter. Keep pushing his hands away, just as if he were trying to touch a glass vase or something else that he shouldn't. Lying down with him, put a pillow over the area. I would hope that he loses interest once he finds he can't touch you there anymore, or that it doesn't feel the same.

He generally strokes me (or tries to) on top of my clothes. I've repeatedly been moving his hands away every time he does this for the past while, but the message isn't sinking in.

ewa-jo

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 12:40 pm

Smack his little hand... same as if had touched an electrical plug you asked him not to touch. You're the mommy, you're allowed to say 'no' and set boundaries.

First, you correct him, ask him to stop and say 'mommy doesn't like that, please stop' and move his hand. If he persists, then smack his hand as a reminder and as an attention-getter. If he cries,you tell him 'yes, that doesn't feel nice to you, but what you did to mommy didn't feel nice to her'

Also, get him a soft blanket, teddy bears, dolls...etc because obviously, he is a touchy-feely child. And, of course, give him lots of appropriate hugs and kisses.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 12:56 pm

Could some furry stuffed animals help? Get one a week, not all at once, so he can get to know them. Start with one and see how it works. Take care in choosing it; look at its face a while. This has to be made to go somewhere else, not just stopped.

DH should just pick him, up, firmly, if he starts that when DH is around. Play with him to compensate him, carry him around. Divert the behavior and retrain. After a few times of that, he will get it. That stuff's daddy's, but it's ok, because I am daddy's buddy.

Barbara

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 1:25 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry to hear of your medical issues, and hope that they have been resolved favorably for you.

It does sound as if your DS is still struggling with the after-effects of the sudden weaning.

I can't say definitely what to do, but some suggestions are:

-- Talk to him affirmatively about it. Confirm for him that you loved nursing him, and remember when he used to do it, but that you've now stopped.

-- Give him a time when he can stroke and fondle your breasts, like maybe before a nap or bedtime. You can reduce that period over time.

-- Try to separate, in your mind, stroking your arm from stroking your breasts. They're very different, and he clearly needs that close physical connection to you.

Help him find a transitional item.

Good luck.

imasinger

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 3:18 pm

I think, OP, you may be confusing a couple of issues here.

It is normal for a 2 year old, when told "That's mine", to respond, "NO, it's MINE."

If he did it with another child's toy, how would you react?

Now, do the same thing when he is touching you.

I suspect the fact that you nursed him for 18 months is beside the point.

I suspect the fact that since you are lying down next to him to help him sleep, probably facing him, and probably with your breasts at just the right height, is more of the issue.

Try getting him to sleep without lying down next to him. There are many good sleep books out there that offer alternative methods.

He may be picking up your shirt in part because it gets a reaction out of you. Again, what would you do if he picked up the shirt of your DH? What would happen if you bit your tongue, and just calmly said, "We don't touch other people's clothes"?

5*Mom

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 1:10 am

It is totally understandable and reasonable that after nursing for 18 months and having medical issues you would just like to have your own body back. But I think it's really important for you to understand what your breasts represent for your 2 year old. Nursing was likely the very first thing he did in this world after breathing, and he continued to do this every 3 hours for the next 18 months! It provided his physical sustenance as well as representing security, nurturing, love, attachment--which are all FUNDAMENTAL needs without which humans would shrivel up and die. You mention that you needed to wean him abruptly, which while clearly unavoidable under your circumstances, suddenly removed his primary source for security, nurturing, attachment without the luxury of a gradual transition to a replacement source.

Your son is not testing you, or pushing your buttons, or reacting to your reaction, or lacking in an appropriate understanding of boundaries. He is trying to have his fundamental needs met in the way that he is most used to having them met and he is too little to understand why it has been taken away from him so suddenly. In helping him through this, you need to look past your immediate need for him to stop touching you and see the big picture of his needs and his perceptions. Slapping him, saying firmly "these are mine" or "don't touch", or even just moving his hand away will be perceived by him as a personal rejection by you. You used to provide nurturing with your breasts and suddenly you are pushing his hand away and won't let him near. This is hurtful and confusing to a 2 year old and I wouldn't recommend going there.

I don't know if you can do this but if it were me, I would resume "nursing" and explain that the milk is all finished but we can still snuggle together the way he likes so much. I would introduce a transitional object like a very soft blanket or teddy bear (sounds like he needs tactile stimulation, too; there may be a sensory issue going on here) every time we do this and just continue the process as if you were actually weaning him, starting off a few times a day and gradually decreasing until he is "weaned." He will still have the blanket/bear that will be associated with the security and nurturing he received from you.

This is not a quick fix; it will take time a patience. I have significant sensory issues so I can understand how strong the need for personal space can be; I do not recommend this lightly. But I think it is really important for your son's long term healthy emotional development, whatever you decide to do, to acknowledge and respect his very real fundamental needs which are just as real as yours, but more fragile b/c he is a 2 yr old after all and you are an adult.

Good luck!

amother

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 1:40 am

5*mom, your idea is good, to try to snuggle instead, and then try weaning him from that. I'll try it out. I can't resume nursing, even with empty breasts, because of halacha and other reasons, but I am aware of this need of his for attachment, etc... and I don't think ch'v he's doing it to be inappropriate. But at the same time, I have my own psychological issues, namely because of things that happened in the past, that make me very sensitive to being touched against my will on my breast, which is what is evoking this really strong reaction from me- not because he's misbehaving, but because I can't handle it at all for reasons of my own.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:55 am

OP, I am very sorry that some people have said some really hurtful (and IMHO really ignorant) things to you in this thread. There is nothing wrong with nursing for however long you feel you need to.

My suggestion would be to get a very thick fuzzy blanket, and drape it across your chest. It needs to be thick so that YOU can have some distance from his touch, and fuzzy for his tactile needs. Let him stroke the blanket while you wear it across your chest, and get your scent on it. Use it for snuggle time every single time, and make it part of your nurturing ritual. That way, when he falls asleep he can continue snuggling the blanket, breathing your scent and imagining that it's still you.

If he tries to sneak his hand under the blanket, just continue to redirect his hand on top of the blanket, and encourage him to stroke that. If you wear perfume or body powder, you can scent the blanket with that, too. I spray a bit of cologne on my daughter's pillow sometimes, and it helps her immensely.

5*Mom

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 4:01 am

amother wrote:

I have my own psychological issues, namely because of things that happened in the past, that make me very sensitive to being touched against my will on my breast, which is what is evoking this really strong reaction from me- not because he's misbehaving, but because I can't handle it at all for reasons of my own.

I completely get it. It's great that you are so self aware. If this is a strong red line for you then it's important for you to have safety and security too.

Someone suggested wearing your shirt tucked in. I think that's one practical way to add a layer of protection for yourself without your son perceiving that he is actively being rejected by you. When you snuggle, would you be able to handle draping the front of your body with a fuzzy blanket that he can stroke? He may still get enough of an emotional connection from stroking you through the blanket and for you it may add a buffer between you and the sensation. The goal would be to gradually wean him off of you and onto the blanket. Of course, children of all ages still need to be snuggled, but I realize that what we're talking about it distinctly more intense.

mommalah

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 7:18 am

5*Mom wrote: