Should I stay home for my baby's sake?

Basimcha

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 7:33 am

I agree with all posters suggesting you to go. I would even recommend you go for the full week to rest up. 2 nights away is way too short in my opinion. You need to rest!

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 8:04 am

My husband and I just took a 9 day trip. My baby was a bit older than yours, 12 months old but we had never left for more than 2 nights before. We did practice skype sessions to familiarize the kids with seeing us on video calls. We left the kids with close friends and their grandparents for shabbos. We spoke to them almost every day via skype video. After the first call my 2 year old was crying because he wanted to see us more but after that everything went really smoothly. They were so excited to see us and to have us talk to them and when we got home everything went right back to normal with no adjustment period (which we had gone through with one of the older kids after leaving for a week vacation when he was a baby)

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 8:43 am

OP, you've been through so much and there's a real benefit to you going away after such an ordeal. Your baby has been through separation before and knows these neighbors well. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you're leaving your baby in good hands! So noly good can come of this. You deserve the trip and will hopefully come back refreshed with a new strength (and g-d willing health!) to take care of your baby.

I personally would never leave to leave such a young child for a regular pleasure trip (the PP left a baby for 9 days - please say you needed for some good reason other than a getaway trip!) but this is totally different. This is to help heal you and the benefits outweigh any worries.

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 9:22 am

Thanks everyone for the responses.

1) I have full confidence in these neighbors. Hey, I left my four week old with them and he came back in one piece. In fact, he gets more attention there than at home. They have a couple of baby-crazy teenagers there and he gets held and played with all the time.

2) imaima, I appreciate your comments too. This part, though:

Quote:

a child whose mother has this illness has many chances to be emotionally scarred due to her absence either way

did knock me sort of for a loop. I hope you're not saying that I might ch"v die and leave my child scarred for life. I assure you this possibility is never far from my mind. At present, I am healthy as far as we know and beezras Hashem I will continue to be healthy ad 120. And so far, my baby does not seem scarred by having spent a lot of time with another family. After this vacation, I look forward to resuming normal life and never having to go through treatments ever again, amen.

3) 5*mom, I like your suggestion of planning to go away for a whole week. We won't be far away and can cut the vacation short if our kids are very unhappy.

4) Raizle, re backfiring, I am actually more worried about my 4 year old than the baby. After my first absences, for surgery and then the birth, he became extremely clingy. I have someone come to take the kids out twice a week in the afternoon and he never wants to go, so I am very worried about how he'll cope with us being away and the repercussions afterwards. I think, though, that I am just going to have to deal with it.

Bottom line: I think I won't worry about the baby's psyche and will just go and enjoy myself. I really appreciate everyone's input.

33055

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 9:38 am

imaima wrote:

Squishy wrote:

imaima wrote:

zaq wrote:

imaima wrote:

It is a really tough situation. I don't even know what to say. Do you think you could wait a couple of months? Or take a shorter vacation? Or send everyone out and let only the baby home for the night, so he could sleep in a familiar place and see you at least for a little bit? (Or it might just make it worse. I don't know your baby though). And have a night nurse for the night?
I am really really sorry that you are going through it. I can imagine, you had to leave the baby wiht other people enough times for him to get used to it by now, so maybe it is fine. I will try to word it delicately, but a child whose mother has this illness has many chances to be emotionally scarred due to her absence either way, so it is better you do whatever it takes to regain your health.

and this post is helpful to the OP...how???

IME kids usually accept philosophically things that are presented to them matter-of-factly as no big deal. Troubles arise when the adult is hesitant or ambivalent, because the child senses that. Just look at an infant who is picked up firmly and confidently vs. one who is picked up gingerly and with fear. Kids don't have a clue as to how the world is "supposed" to be, and will take as normal and ok that which is presented to them as such. Start weeping and wailing and ooh-ooh-ooh-I-feel-so-guilty-about-leaving-you and that's how you plant in the kid's brain the idea that somebody's done him wrong.

imaima, OP is not talking about leaving her baby in state-run foster care for a year--she's talking about leaving him for all of one week in the care of a neighbor whom he knows very well and with whom he is obviously comfortable. Your alarmist post is wrong in every way and IMO flat out onaas devarim.

did I say not to go? did I add any doubts to those the op already has? how do YOU know what kind of neighbor is OP leaving her baby with? I did not think it was a flat-out "go and leave your baby with whoever lives next door" solution, so I expressed my opinion. If you have a different one, you don't need to bash me.

imaima, reread your post especially the bolded part! You are incredibly insensitive. Why would you say something that mean and then defend it? Do you realize how illogical you are? You did not say delicately anything. You did not say anything about what kind of neighbor the babysitter is in your first post. You accused OP of scarring her kid by having her illness. It is a very foolish post to say the least. It is hateful. I think you scar your kids by being the kind of mother who would say things like that which is much worse than a women who did not intentionally get sick.

OP go. Your baby will not remember a thing. Ignore imaima.

Relax.

Wow how do YOU know what kind of mother I am? I wrote what I wrote because that would be my train of thought if I dealt with that situation. Unfortunately I know a family who was in a similar situation and you can't really say, the kids are not affected. I did not say it was her fault to get sick. I wonder what kind of scars do your kids have if they are raised by a mother with such a twisted imagination, who is always on the look out to find faults with other people.

Imaima, No one said you said it was her fault she got sick. You are disingenuous at best. Your last sentence (and most of what you posted in this thread) cannot be supported by any kind of logic whatsoever.

I think you are the first person who has ever said something so outrageous that I felt the need to to actually tell them off. I actually question your intellectual acuity. You are told A is outside the bounds of good taste, you come back and say I did not say B. You are told you did not mention B in your rebuttal. You come back with now a C that you claim you did not say when in fact no one ever accused you of saying C.

cityofgold: You are correct:

Arguing with each other about what someone said, rather than the topic, isn't going to help the OP. Telling someone what iamaima said is not going to help op and maybe hurt her. It is mean-spirited.

I could not let imaima say such stupidity in the unlikely event OP would even give it credence. Better she thinks we are two bickering fools and relegates our argument to background static. She does need to be bashed although she will deny ever mentioning that she did not need to be bashed.
The reason I attacked her personally is to show how ridiculous what she said was. She could not "get it." I give up. IMHO, she owes op an apology and not another post saying this time she did not say D.

She is already worried about the affect her recovery is having on her baby, does she need more burdens worrying about scaring her baby by being sick.
OP, You don't need the guilt or even the question in your mind if your illness is hurting your child. Getting your rest and recharging is best for your children.

Go I hope you enjoy and forget all naysayers and arguers.

5*Mom

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 9:57 am

amother wrote:

Bottom line: I think I won't worry about the baby's psyche and will just go and enjoy myself.

You go, girl!

imaima

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 1:47 pm

Dear Squishy,

first of all, you are not anyone's mommy here and it is not your business to rebuke anyone for anything, neither it is right to bash a person whose only fault was that YOU misunderstood her post. Even if you don't agree with my opinion (which was, that OP should go Rolling Eyes

), there is a civilized way of arguing online. It entails arguing as equals and respecting each other's right to have alternative opinion. It also means avoiding personal attacks that do not contribute to the discussion, as well as comments about intellectual acuity. The IQ test was not the part of the questionnaire for newcomers, so you should expect to meet all type of people and respect them regardless of their intellect.

While I said, that there are chances of affecting the kids, because the situation is not so simple anyway (so she can just as well go), you was the one who said that she was scarring them just by being sick. Maybe I was too ambiguous, so you did not get what I meant, but OP actually got it right, and that is what matters. I might be wrong to mention sad things on the thread about cancer, but I also think it is wrong to pretend that everything is nice and rosy, either.

I was not quick to jump up to the positive conclusion like other posters did, because I genuinely believe that baby's feelings are a strong enough point here, so I wanted to give some validation to OP's doubts. I hope she feels confident in whatever decision she makes.

Chana Miriam S

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 2:38 pm

go. assuming you are not still breastfeeding due to your chemo situation, there is no reason that you could not do exactly what the doctor said. I guess another possibility would be to take baby with a mother's helper, or a nurse.

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 3:16 pm

OP again:

Imaima, I appreciate that you meant well with your comment but may I gently point out that it was not the best thing to say to someone just finished with cancer treatment. Believe me, I don't need anyone to remind me what could ch"v happen to me and how I could leave my children. I try my best not to think about it because it is a very unproductive line of thinking and it only gets me down and makes me feel sad, so reminding me about it was not helpful.

Again, I know you meant well but please don't ever say something like that to a cancer sufferer - especially one who is in remission - unless they have asked you help them plan end of life issues or they are very close to you, which I give you a bracha should never happen to you.

imaima

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 3:21 pm

amother wrote:

Here, Squishy, learn how to tell a person off.

Sorry op, and refua sheleima.

zaq

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 3:24 pm

OP: re your several responses to imaima: You are a tzadekes and an inspiration.

Go on your trip, rest up, have a wonderful time, and come back happy, healthy, brimming with energy and ready to take your crew to new heights, gezunteh heit.

33055

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 3:34 pm

imaima

1.) LOL You came up with D! Best thing that happened to me this afternoon. Very Happy

2.) The OP did not get it as you stated. She said you knocked her for a loop. Your comment was thoughtless at best. The fact is your comment is far out of line and not because of what thread it was on. Do you get what OP is going through; and will continue to go through emotionally the entire rest of her 120? You were wrong. I hope you also do not tell your neighbor that she is scarring her children by being sick.

3.) I thought of the IQ comment on the intake test also. You have no idea what I refrained from saying. I was very restrained.

4.) I made the personal attack as part of my reasoning so you could see how ridiculous what you said is. I had hoped you could see it is hurtful to tell someone their children are being scarred because of them. I thought you could make the jump.

5.) Do you really truly believe I bashed you because I could not understand what you said?

And I quote,"neither it is right to bash a person whose only fault was that YOU misunderstood her post."

If I bashed everyone who said something I misunderstood, I would be a very busy lady indeed. My first problem would be figuring out I did actually misunderstand them before I bashed them. There is a very illogical premise in here somewhere; but I probably misunderstood.

Last edited by 33055 on Tue, Nov 15 2011, 3:42 pm; edited 1 time in total

33055

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 3:40 pm

The several comments came in and did not show up on my cell between imaima's post and mine.

OP. You did say it much better than I could

Zaq. Right on target again.

OP Sorry for the arguing. I am sorry for being so reactionary. I really am.

I wish you a full recovery. You are a remarkable woman. All the best to you and your family. Amen to 120.

imaima

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 3:41 pm

Squishy wrote:

imaima

1.) LOL You came up with D! Best thing that happened to me this afternoon. Very Happy

I give you my brocha that one day you will be able to change your screen name from Squishy to Smart.

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 4:09 pm

zaq wrote:

Amen! I love you, zaq.

And I appreciate everyone else's good wishes too.

33055

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 4:21 pm

imaima

Grow up already. You apologized. Move on. OP gave you a very thoughtful bracha.

Amen.

Ima_Shelli

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 8:57 pm

If the polls are still open, my vote's for "go". As in, "Go, go, go!" Hug and kiss your kids very hard before and after, but you most definitely should go! It sounds like you have great childcare arrangements, BTW. I second all those who say that your kids will (BE"H) not suffer at all from this.

Refuah sheleimah and abi gezunt.

flowerpower

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 9:26 pm

I too think you should go. Your neighbor seems like she is caring and will manage. Rest up and have a speedy recovery!

Pinkerella

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 11:35 pm

You're baby will be fine. You don't say how old your older ones are, but if they understand anything about what you've been going through, explain to them that you're so much better and some full-time rest will help put you in tip-top-shape. If they've been worried about you, you just want to make sure that they know that this separation is not because you're sick, but because you're getting better. Give them letters to open for each day that you're gone and call them every day. Doing too much too soon is not a help for your children.

citygal

Wed, Nov 16 2011, 2:17 pm

I can understand you for not wanting to leave your baby behind but you have to keep in mind that your doing this for your kids to have a healthy functioning mother. I hope you do decide to go in the end and good luck on your decision!