Silly 3 year old | Imamother

Chippies

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 12:16 pm

This may sound like a silly issue....but I'm starting to get a little frustrated with my 3 year old because it seems like he doesn't know how to be serious. For example, if we're reading a book together, and I ask him to find the cat, he'll point to the dog and say "here is the cat" and start laughing. When we went to an art class and the instructor asked everyone what their favourite colour apple is, everyone else responded, "red" or "green", and he responded, "PINK!!!" and had a huge grin on his face. He's a very bright kid and understands exactly what's going on and is purposely giving the wrong answer just for laughs. When it's time to get dressed, he'll often try to put his pants on his arms and his socks on his hands and he just walks around like that for a while. I know he's only 3 and he loves attention he receives for being silly, but I just feel like he's so silly to the point that it's first nature for him to make something silly up instead of being serious/honest! Lately, I find myself threatening to give him a timeout when he's being too silly (at an inappropriate time) and that does work for the most part, but I really don't want to be like that!

Any advice?

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 12:43 pm

So your 3 year old wants to act silly. For whatever reason, acting silly and saying silly responses makes him feel good. Maybe he feels it will garner some extra attention that he is craving. Whatever. It sounds like a normal stage for a 3 year old, though it definitely can be frustrating.

Perhaps it would be good to give him that notice. For example, he points to the dog and says "This is the cat!" and giggles. You can giggle along with him and say "I see that you want to say that the dog is a cat. You want to give funny answers to my question. ". And when he dresses himself in a mixed up fashion you can say "I see that you want to put your clothes on in a funny way. You want to put your pants on on top and your top on your feet, etc...". IOW you are "active listening" to the messages he's giving you by verbally observing what he is doing.

Then you can move on to instructions, like "I see you want to do XYZ...right now I need you to get dressed. Would you like me to help you put your shirt on?" or something like that. Or you can say "I see that you want to be funny right now. Should we read this book a different time?" so that you can move him out of the giggling stage to an action stage, and get done with whatever you are doing.

AlwaysGrateful

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 3:09 pm

I'm with Chayalle here. I have a very bright 3 yo who also likes to be "silly." What's the problem with being silly? I think that we parents have two issues with it: 1) it just seems wrong, like he doesn't know how to be serious, and 2) it inconveniences us, especially when we're in a rush.

In terms of 1, I think that it's our attitude that has to change, not theirs. Your son is developing his sense of humor, and that's normal, and good. There's nothing wrong with him being silly and saying that a cat is a dog, instrinsically. Right? No reason for punishing him for trying to be funny. Would you think it was fair if your boss disciplined you for cracking a non-rude joke? (This is assuming that the joke isn't in the wrong setting, such as a serious one or one where it gets in the way of getting something done, see #2 below.)

2. In terms of being silly in a way that causes you frustration or loss of time, I would definitely not discipline unless I told hiim first that now is not the time to be silly. For example, in the dog-cat example, I would just let him be silly and laugh with him. Don't you like when people laugh at your jokes? But in the getting dressed example, if you're trying to get out the door and he's using being silly as an excuse to not really get dressed, I would first say "I see you're trying to be silly right now. right now, though, we're in a rush and need to get to school. So let's get your shirt and pants on the right way, and then we can be silly in the car on the way to school."

And then really do it! I think that if you let him get his silliness out in okay ways, he'll be more accepting of the fact that sometimes it's not okay to be silly right at that moment.

Chippies

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 7:46 pm

Thanks for the responses.

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

I would add 1b: he is so silly that it impedes upon his ability to listen and learn. He'll often use his silliness to get out of a situation - like when we're trying to teach him to count objects (currently, he can only count objects up to 4, so counting is a skill that I'm trying to work on with him), instead of actually trying, he'll just make his jokes. He has done this in school too at times, but his morah said that he's not always this way - it just depends upon how motivated he is at the time.

Quote:

In terms of 1, I think that it's our attitude that has to change, not theirs. Your son is developing his sense of humor, and that's normal, and good. There's nothing wrong with him being silly and saying that a cat is a dog, instrinsically. Right? No reason for punishing him for trying to be funny. Would you think it was fair if your boss disciplined you for cracking a non-rude joke? (This is assuming that the joke isn't in the wrong setting, such as a serious one or one where it gets in the way of getting something done, see #2 below.)

I agree with you. And he really can be hilarious at times, so if that's his personality, I'm fine with that....as long as he knows how to be serious too.

Quote:

2. In terms of being silly in a way that causes you frustration or loss of time, I would definitely not discipline unless I told hiim first that now is not the time to be silly. For example, in the dog-cat example, I would just let him be silly and laugh with him. Don't you like when people laugh at your jokes? But in the getting dressed example, if you're trying to get out the door and he's using being silly as an excuse to not really get dressed, I would first say "I see you're trying to be silly right now. right now, though, we're in a rush and need to get to school. So let's get your shirt and pants on the right way, and then we can be silly in the car on the way to school."

And then really do it! I think that if you let him get his silliness out in okay ways, he'll be more accepting of the fact that sometimes it's not okay to be silly right at that moment.

I always do give him warnings before disciplining him for being too silly. I'm trying to teach him that there's a time to be silly and a time to be serious. But it's really a difficult concept for him to get. I like your idea of designating a specific silly time that is more convenient for me. I'll give that a shot! Thanks.

AlwaysGrateful

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 8:14 pm

Just two comments on your last post.

First of all, I didn't mean that you have just one time a day where he's allowed to be silly. I think it's really perfectly fine for him to be silly randomly, at any time during the day. The same way it's normal to crack jokes any time of the day as an adult (or older kid). It's the opposite. There are only some times where he's NOT supposed to be silly (not predetermined, but you'll tell him on the spot "Here's one of those No Silly Zone times!").

One thing I've found has helped me, and not just with this issue, is that when ds is doing something that I don't want him to do right then, but it's not dangerous or anything, I'll say "Okay, two more minutes to do X!" Like if I'm trying to get him to go to the car, and he's jumping around on the grass and roaring like a lion (yeah, that's my son), instead of saying "Stop that right now! Come to the car!" I'll say "Okay, for the next two minutes, roar as LOUDLY as you can...and then it'll be time to go to the car." That way he's not disobeying, and yet I'm getting him there in less time than if I had entered a power struggle with him. Maybe that would work with this silly thing too.

As for the counting thing -- could it be you're making him do something he doesn't want to do, so he's trying to get out of it by being silly? And maybe forcing him to count over and over again isn't the best thing in the world? Now, I'm not an educational expert, but to me, he'll learn more by being interested in what you're doing than in being forced to practice it when he doesn't want to. Especially at this age, where it doesn't REALLY matter if he knows how to count yet (he knows his colors, so you know it's not a learning deficit or something, I assume), I would maybe back off a bit. YOU count things often around him, and when he's ready, he will too. Count the stairs when you walk up them, in a silly voice if that gets him excited about it. Have a puppet or animal count things. "Eat" some of his fingers and then count them to see how many are "missing." things like that. Not drilling him on counting.

Opposite with the "where is the cat" thing. When you're reading, read for fun. Not to test him. the only questions I usually ask my three year old are higher level questions, like "Hey, wait a minute. Why did he do THAT?" or "I wonder how that made him feel...That wouldn't make ME feel happy." (The second one isn't a question, but my ds might decide to continue the conversation.) So again, maybe his silliness is just a way of saying "Mommy, that's a boring question. I KNOW that. You know I know that. Why do I need to tell you?"

I know this was long, but since my ds is the same age, also smart, and also silly in frustrating ways, I figured I may as well write back so that I can read what I wrote and try to do it myself! Wink

Chippies

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 9:02 pm

[quote="AlwaysGrateful"]Just two comments on your last post.

First of all, I didn't mean that you have just one time a day where he's allowed to be silly. I think it's really perfectly fine for him to be silly randomly, at any time during the day. The same way it's normal to crack jokes any time of the day as an adult (or older kid). It's the opposite. There are only some times where he's NOT supposed to be silly (not predetermined, but you'll tell him on the spot "Here's one of those No Silly Zone times!").[quote] I understood that. But your idea to say to him that we can be silly in the car on the way to school (as opposed to taking up lots of time before we leave and therefore making us late for school as per our usual...) is a great idea. I usually just say something like, "you can be silly for another minute, then it's time to put on your boots" and I even use a timer which works well with him, but letting him know about a specific time in the near future when we'll be silly together would really work with him, I think.

[quote]One thing I've found has helped me, and not just with this issue, is that when ds is doing something that I don't want him to do right then, but it's not dangerous or anything, I'll say "Okay, two more minutes to do X!" Like if I'm trying to get him to go to the car, and he's jumping around on the grass and roaring like a lion (yeah, that's my son), instead of saying "Stop that right now! Come to the car!" I'll say "Okay, for the next two minutes, roar as LOUDLY as you can...and then it'll be time to go to the car." That way he's not disobeying, and yet I'm getting him there in less time than if I had entered a power struggle with him. Maybe that would work with this silly thing too.[quote] Yes, it does work to a certain extent. We do that a lot. All the time. Sometimes, he doesn't even wait for me to say it - he'll just start acting silly and say that he'll just be like that for another 2 minutes. But of course, his concept of time is quite limited being that he's 3, so he'll just keep saying that (unless I use the timer, as I mentioned above, which does work). It's just that when he does this regularly throughout the day, it's really hard to be productive or be on time for anything!

[quote]As for the counting thing -- could it be you're making him do something he doesn't want to do, so he's trying to get out of it by being silly? And maybe forcing him to count over and over again isn't the best thing in the world? Now, I'm not an educational expert, but to me, he'll learn more by being interested in what you're doing than in being forced to practice it when he doesn't want to. Especially at this age, where it doesn't REALLY matter if he knows how to count yet (he knows his colors, so you know it's not a learning deficit or something, I assume), I would maybe back off a bit. YOU count things often around him, and when he's ready, he will too. Count the stairs when you walk up them, in a silly voice if that gets him excited about it. Have a puppet or animal count things. "Eat" some of his fingers and then count them to see how many are "missing." things like that. Not drilling him on counting.[quote] I didn't mean to say that we drill him on counting. We certainly do not do that at all! We do fun activities that involve counting. Sometimes he'll even start counting by himself. As soon as he either has difficulty with it or realizes that I'm encouraging him, he'll start being silly again (eg. he'll just point to the objects and keep saying "one"). He is absolutely trying to get out of it by being silly - that's the problem! He uses silliness to get out of things all the time. I'm really not concerned about his counting skills - that was just an example of how he acts silly to get out of something.

[quote] Opposite with the "where is the cat" thing. When you're reading, read for fun. Not to test him. the only questions I usually ask my three year old are higher level questions, like "Hey, wait a minute. Why did he do THAT?" or "I wonder how that made him feel...That wouldn't make ME feel happy." (The second one isn't a question, but my ds might decide to continue the conversation.) So again, maybe his silliness is just a way of saying "Mommy, that's a boring question. I KNOW that. You know I know that. Why do I need to tell you?"[quote] You're right about that. I'll only ask questions like "where is the cat" when it's not a super obvious answer, eg. when it's a hide and seek book or a book with many things going on and it's hard to find things. But it very well could be that he's bored even in those cases. Although, there are certainly times when he chooses a baby book with no plot at all (such as a baby's first word book) just so that he can go through every picture and give it an incorrect label. He typically does this with my husband, though, since my husband is the "funny one" as my son says....I admit to being a little uptight! I'll try to take your advice and just relax and let me kid be a kid...

Chayalle

Thu, Feb 23 2012, 9:57 am

A little OT - but I find that the best ways to teach DD facts is when she is not aware that she's doing any learning.

For example - recently (2-3 weeks ago) I noticed the DD does not know the Aleph Bais in sequence. In other words, she would start singing Aleph Bais Gimmel and then make up some other sounds to fit the tune...at almost 4, I want her to start recognizing them because next year she will be in kindergarten where they learn them...and most kids would be able to sing them in sequence by then.

So I just added singing an Aleph Bais song with her as part of her bedtime routine. I know a pretty one from when I grew up, so after Shema at night I sing it to her, and she usually asks me to sing it twice....after 2-3 weeks, she's started to sing along with me, so she is now knowing most of them.

I do similar things with counting - just add a number song to songs I will sing to her when she's in bed....repetition will cause something to sink in.

Chippies

Thu, Feb 23 2012, 9:53 pm

Just realized that the way I tried to quote before didn't work...sorry if it was hard to read.

This morning, when DS was doing his usual silly stalling, I told him that if he gets his boots and coat on quickly then we'll play a really silly game in the car (having no idea at that point what I would come up with). It actually worked really well as motivation and then in the car, he was very excited to play our silly game. I basically made up a rhyming game (he loves to rhyme and is excellent at it) and threw in some nonsense words. He was very happy!

A regular example of his silliness that I have been told (by a behaviour specialist) that I really shouldn't tolerate is how he greets or responds to people in certain circumstances. For example, I take him to a sports class for kids and parents and at the end of his first class, the coach came up to him (with me standing right there) and asked him how he liked his first day. DS responded, "gargle gargle" - or some gibberish like that. I told him that he's not allowed to talk that way because he's a big boy and he has to either smile and not saying anything, or say something nice like, "it was great!" The behaviour specialist told me that he shouldn't even be allowed to get away with not saying anything - I should somehow force him to respond in a proper manner because he has to learn how these social interactions work. Another example which is a common occurrence: a bubbi or zaidy comes over to play with him (or takes him out and drops him off back at home afterwards) and then when it's time for them to leave, DS refuses to say "bye" or anything appropriate like that. Instead of saying "bye", he says "hi hi" and then runs away into the house.

I do agree that it's better to be too silly than too serious...and my DH thinks I need to relax a bit and he's probably right. It's just that I find this type of behaviour very frustrating to deal with on a regular basis!

Chayalle

Fri, Feb 24 2012, 10:40 am

Go for a 2nd opinion. Get a different behavioral therapist. That sounds extreme!

IMVHO there's nothing wrong with saying "Hi Hi" and running into the house at the age of 3. I don't think a 3 year old has to have the social awareness of an older child...my parents would just laugh and be amused at such behavior, they wouldn't be insulted.

They say a story about R' Yaakov Kaminetzky, who BTW taught little cheder boys in his younger years and was a master at chinuch a.k.a. early childhood education (I have fond memories of brachos and lollypops in his presence when I was little) that when his children were young, they were literally jumping on the table when a visitor came...he asked R' Yaakov why he's not mechanech them not to do that, a table is a mizbeach, etc.....and R' Yaakov answered that chinuch is only to prepare children for the future - behaviors that they will not drop on their own and that could continue when they grow up. He said they will not be jumping on the table when they are 20, so there's no need to stop them now.

Kids are not little adults. There's plenty of time for them to grow. Your child will not be greeting people like that when he's 20. It's fine for a 3 year old.

I'm with your DH...CHILL.

Chippies

Sun, Feb 26 2012, 4:36 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I love that story - thanks for sharing it! It makes me feel a little better. I'm not thrilled with that behavioural therapist for several reasons, but she just consults for DS's school. I don't think I'll be talking with her again. My son definitely does know how to interact properly and he's usually very appropriate with friends, he's just also very stubborn and I guess does not want to conform. Plus, he likes the attention he gets when he does/says something inappropriate.

Anyway, thanks for all your comments! It makes me feel better about his behaviours.