DS asked DD to touch him down there!

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 4:30 pm

I am so upset about this. On Friday, DS, 8 years old, came out of the shower wrapped in a towel and asked me for his Shabbos clothes. I told him to go into the bedroom and that I would bring them to him. When I came in two minutes later, DD, 5 years old, said to me, "He wants me to touch him over there!" She was very upset about it and did not touch it. He was still wrapped in his towel but waist down only and had pulled it down just enough in the front.

I was shocked. I do not hit my kids but I gave him a potch in his tush and told him I never want to hear him speak that way again. When we both calmed down a bit, I called him into my room for a chat. I asked him why he did it and he said "Stam". I asked him if anyone had ever touched him there and he said only me when I used to shower him. I asked him if he ever saw anyone touching anyone there and he said no. (Note: We don't have a TV.) I asked him again why he would want her to touch him there and if he thinks it would feel good or bad and he said, "Not good and not bad."

I'm pretty sure there wasn't much behind this because my oldest son, 9.5, was in the room then also, engrossed in a book, and I think that if my 8 year old would have realized how serious this was, he wouldn't have done it where he could hear. Still, I'm so upset by this. I told him that part of his body is not for anyone to touch and I do not want to hear him ever ask anyone anything like that again. Do you think I should be concerned that there's more to this than just 8 year old silliness? Should I be worried?

amother

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 6:47 pm

hmmmm..... maybe someone did touch him and hes scared to tell u..... maybe u can ask him if someone touched him ever he can tell u

Ribbie Danzinger

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 6:57 pm

OP, I think you dealt with it enough. I don't think you need to make an issue of it. Sometimes kids want to experiment and once you tell them that this type of thing is against the rules they never bother again Exploding anger

.

A child doesn't need someone to touch them in order to be curious about these things Rolling Eyes

. I suggest you don't mention it again if nothing else happens Confused

.

You could have another chat with him in a few days, telling him the importance of tzniut between boys and girls, even siblings embarrassed

, or have your dh give him a man to man talk.

Most important, don't worry be Smile

! Your son is perfectly normal.

Flowerchild

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 6:58 pm

maybe he was exposed to it somehow, somewhere, it seems that even if you dont have a tv, kids still find out somehow. or maybe it was curiousity, maybe disturbing, but curiousity nonetheless. see if he does it again.

amother

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 7:21 pm

find out the bathroom setup/situation in school. you never know what goes on there. I havent heard of any supervision in any school bathrooms and I think its really an awful situation practically begging for something terrible to happen there. Confused

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 8:10 pm

I think kids at this age become aware of their genitals. so it might not be much!! but you might want to make sure by asking a professional! don't make a big deal until you are sure it is really a problem!

Tefila

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 8:55 pm

See my real concern is, the fact that he asked somone else to touch him. Yes as another poster said it could be a kid thing. Confused

but imo it's more a kid thing for them to experiment but way younger, then to actually ask someone else too. Exclamation

Eigther way amother you handled it well. And perhaps keep a more watchful eye and ear open for this behaviour. I will also add though you don't have a t.v. is it possible that kids in school especially in washroom are doing this type of thing Question

Motek

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 9:32 pm

amother wrote:

I told him that part of his body is not for anyone to touch and I do not want to hear him ever ask anyone anything like that again. Do you think I should be concerned that there's more to this than just 8 year old silliness? Should I be worried?

I don't know if you should be worried. I'll just comment on the part I put in bold. Hope he didn't get the message that he can ask as long as you're not within earshot ... Confused

Tefila

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 10:23 pm

Good point motek Thumbs Up

, since kids are very literal Exclamation

micki

Sat, Nov 04 2006, 11:12 pm

is 8 an age where they are still condiered innocent? cause my kids (none are 8 yet!) ask each other to stick your finger in my belly button. or touch my ear, it feels soft.
can it be that it was something like this?
but now that I think, by 8 shouldn't they know that its not tznius?

amother

Tue, Nov 07 2006, 4:34 pm

I am surprised noone mentioned the possibilty that someone else (an adult or teenage boy) had once asked your son to touch him there. and now your son was trying to figure out what was so exciting about being touched there.
in your original post I noticed that although you asked about a few other possibilties you neglected to ask this one.

please ask him if someone ever asked him this. your son is probably scared to mention it to you.

supermom

Tue, Nov 07 2006, 4:45 pm

amother above me someone did ask that question.

amother

Sat, Nov 11 2006, 9:55 pm

OP here.

Thanks for all the replies. I did consult with someone more experienced and she really made me feel better. She said that it was probably nothing and that I should play it down as much as possible. She said that it's not uncommon for boys this age to play with themselves. The part that was somewhat concerning was the fact that he asked dd to do it for him. She felt I was right for reacting harshly precisely for that reason but that I should not bring it up again unless I see signs that something is bothering him (I.e. bedwetting, irritability, etc). He seems fine and happy so I've calmed down somewhat.

shoy18

Sun, Nov 12 2006, 12:00 am

I wouldnt make a big deal about it, but the only thing I would add is that you have to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible, the fact that you patched and told him never to speak like that again, he may start keeping things from you thinking that its bad and if something is bothering him he may never tell you bec of the reaction you gave him

greenfire

Sun, Nov 26 2006, 11:11 am

I think you need to be straight forward without hitting him. You do not want him to grow up feeling there is something wrong with "nature". Calmly let him know that his body is private for himself so he should never let anyone touch him nor should he touch someone else.

yoyosma

Sun, Nov 26 2006, 1:08 pm

I agree with greenfire about the hitting. Obviously whats done is done and you reacted in the heat of the moment. However, hitting a child after he makes such a request will make him associate his privates with punishment, shame or fear and then a child who is touched inappropriately by an adult may hesitate to tell someone for fear he will be punished.

happymom

Sun, Nov 26 2006, 1:09 pm

hitting is never good. all it does is teaches a kid to hit when they are upset.

HindaRochel

Sun, Nov 26 2006, 3:05 pm

I'm with greenfire.

Don't overblow this. It isn't all that abnormal.

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