Should I apologize

zaq

Thu, Dec 06 2012, 8:00 pm

Liba wrote:

My mother always said "no one ever starved to death in a weekend." I am actually quite sure she is right. In the absence of severe medical issues, if all he ate was ruggalach one Shabbos it wouldn't be the end of him.

Surely OP's rudacious (cross between rude and audacious) guest can eat challah, soup, salad, kugel, and/or dessert, assuming OP serves those things? Surely dark-meat chicken isn't the only thing she's going to put on the table?

I have vegan friends who always manage to find something they can eat no matter where they go, even if all it is is matzah and a cucumber. They assure me that they go to people's houses for the company, not the food.

imasinger

Thu, Dec 06 2012, 8:07 pm

Kind of a shock after you were so gracious when he invited himself.

Even though your response wasn't as gentle as you probably would have made it had you thought about it more, it was less rude than his assertion.

The conversation about what guests can and can't eat is a reasonable one. However, the social convention is for the hosts to ask, "Do you have any food allergies or requirements?" If the host doesn't ask after some reasonable period, then one can inform them, but this was clearly not the case for you.

I say that since the caller must have some deficiencies in understanding social norms himself, he probably wouldn't have taken too much offense at your equally blunt response. Hopefully, it's all smoothed over now, and you'll have a pleasant meal.

animeme

Fri, Dec 07 2012, 12:29 pm

Hard to tell without actually hearing him say it, but it's very possible he's got Aspergers. There are plenty of people walking around living regular lives that struggle with certain things that seem basic to us. They may be an astrophysicist or computer scientist, but not have mastered the art of not saying whatever is in your head.

An Aspie would think this: I am going to their house. I only like to eat these things (which can also be an Aspie thing- being particular about food), She needs to know that. I will tell her to make sure to be careful to get it right.

My kid who's ten would totally say this. He models it after what he hears his teachers and parents say to him when they want to make sure he gets something very important right. And to this man, this is very important.

Of course, he may just be a rude guy, but to me this screams "extremely limited social skills." To which you could still say, "Sorry- it's not possible."

amother

Fri, Dec 07 2012, 1:26 pm

honestly, I think you're at fault. normally, when I have guests for the first time, I ask them if they have any specific food requirements due to diet or allergies etc. I feel that it is a common courtesy. I wouldn't want a guest to feel uncomfortable because of lack of food. if you are doing the mitzvah of hachnasas orchim, u should be doing it with SIMCHA. you should be trying your BEST to make your GUEST feel most comfortable and at home, otherwise, don't have guests at all.

that being said, you didnt ask if he had any food issues, and clearly he has specific requirements so he told you so. I didnt hear his tone of voice, so if he said it in a nasty way that is a whole different issue, but I dont think you should be getting mad at a person for inquiring that his dietary requirements be met as a guest in your home.

again, if he had a nasty tone, that is a separate issue, but I dont think asking for specific food is a problem at all... I think its normal.

my mother in law invites someone over every friday night from the neighborhood... a widow. every friday night, my mother in law buys this woman her own fresh beautiful piece of fish because the woman doesn't each much else. it is an extra expense, an extra trip to the fish store, and although my mother in law sometimes feels burdened by always having this woman, she does it with SIMCHA... a huge smile on her face, and presents the plate of fish to this woman with elegance and grace. I very much admire my mother in law for this.

anon because my sister in laws will find out my username Wink

Lati

Fri, Dec 07 2012, 6:07 pm

no, you do not have to apologize for answering plainly when people are rude and presumptuous. if you had cursed at him or told him about his bad manners I might suggest speaking less harshly next time, but it sounds like you just responded plainly to a rude person. they should be the one apologizing for inviting themselves and making demands. honestly, what is wrong with him that he can ONLY eat those two foods. Its not like he said, "thank you! by the way, I am allergic to nuts, so could you warn me if something has nuts in it? thank you!" there's a difference between telling someone a legitimate food allergy or a lifestyle diet (vegetarian, vegan, only eat fish, don't eat cow) and specifying what you want them to serve. one is appropriate, the other is not.

Isramom8

Sat, Dec 08 2012, 6:14 pm

Another Imamother Twilight Zone moment. What's the difference how you got the guest? He's your guest. A piece of white chicken and a slice of gefilte fish shouldn't be difficult to cook, buy prepared, or ask of a neighbor in a location where there are even a small number of religious Ashkenazi Jews. It's all he will eat, so you go get that for your guest. It's in the job description.

We usually host and rarely are we hosted, but if I tell hosts well in advance that all my little boys will eat are a slice of white challah and a chicken poulke or a piece of shnitzel, I expect that they will provide it. Not hard, but important. If they can't then I will bring it. No need for backtalk. But I'm home with a kitchen, not a traveler on the go.

amother

Sat, Dec 08 2012, 7:07 pm

Squishy wrote:

Do not let this guest bring food into your house. You hardly know him. As he is from oot you don't know his family. I would not eat in anyone's house who allows guests they don't know very well to bring in food.

I sometimes just don't understand advice on this site.

Unless it's your advice, of course!

Liba

Sat, Dec 08 2012, 7:23 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

A piece of white chicken and a slice of gefilte fish

If it is all a grown man is eating, I would expect him to eat more than one piece of each. Smile

When I read what OP wrote, I got the impression that he wouldn't be eating anything else at the sudah.

If a guest wants a piece of chicken and a piece of gefilta fish, fine, that is a normal request but if he is looking for half a loaf of gefilta fish (the loaves my kids are willing to eat are 42nis/$11.30 a loaf) plus a whole chicken worth of white meat, it is a big deal for me financially. I would likely do it, but it is a big deal.