Do you give the same amount of money?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

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amother

Sun, Jun 30 2013, 11:58 pm

We just made a bar mitzvah for our son and he received a generous gift from a guest. At the end of the summer this couple is making a simple boys party for their son and we are invited. Are we supposed to give their child back the same amount? Our bar mitzvah costed way over one hundred dollars a couple and I don't think they are spending more then ten or fifteen dollars a person. What would you do?

amother

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 12:03 am

I don't give gifts based on how much a simcha costs. I give according to need or merit.

agreer

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 12:10 am

I'm not up to that stage yet, but my parents, who are very proper people, always give back what others gave. We (my siblings and I) kept lists from our weddings, and they ask us to look up who gave what so they can give it back.

Their unofficial rules:

IF you can afford it, give what they gave.
If you can afford more generous gifts, and a couple gives you a smaller check because that's all they can afford, be more generous and give more than what they gave.
If you cannot afford it, don't give more than you can.

But don't give based on how much you think a simcha costs. If it's a simple affair, I assume the boy could use the money much more than his wealthier peer.

amother

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 12:12 am

OP the people making the simcha are not poor

Shana_H

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 12:21 am

Living within one's means seems to be very difficult these days, give gifts according to what you can afford!

notshanarishona

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 12:26 am

No... I would never be able to accept gifts from rich people if I had to give back what they gave. I give what I can afford . I give gifts depending on my closeness to the couple, their needs (I.e. if a poor couple starting out with nothing I would give more), and what I can afford.

chanchy123

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 2:05 am

amother wrote:

I don't give gifts based on how much a simcha costs. I give according to need or merit.

This, exactly. I have a set amount I give to a bar mitzva, adjusted for degree of closeness, etc.

RachelB

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 3:54 am

chanchy123 wrote:

amother wrote:

I don't give gifts based on how much a simcha costs. I give according to need or merit.

This, exactly. I have a set amount I give to a bar mitzva, adjusted for degree of closeness, etc.

Agreed. We give different amounts to close friends, family, acquaintances, etc.

amother

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 4:49 am

One of my friends once gave us a gift and let me know that it wasn't so much because our simcha was simple. I assume you wouldn't be that tactless to tell her that, but think more carefully about whether the whole thing seems right to you.

Raisin

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 5:00 am

I assume you can afford an expensive gift if you made such an expensive simcha. I would give a nice gift if I were in your shoes.

kenz

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 6:40 pm

amother wrote:

The more I read threads on Imamother the more I think there is something seriously wrong with many people.

Marion

Mon, Jul 01 2013, 11:38 pm

No. I don't give cash/cheques, I buy a gift. I don't keep track of the supposed value of a gift I receive. "Supposed" value, because I've certainly been known to buy gorgeous stuff on sale. I hope most people don't keep track of how much I spent; I'd get a lot of gifts worth much more than what I actually spent on people. (Think food processors discounted to 70% off, seforim discounted at 40-60% off...)

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