Can I ask or is it just better not to?

amother

Mon, Jul 22 2013, 9:01 am

I have a friend who I often give rides since she doesn't have a car. In the beginning she used to offer to pay for gas, and I always told her not to worry about it, but where I live gasoline is very expensive and it all ads up.

I still don't want to start making calculations and ask her to pay. I would find that highly uncomfortable.

On the other hand, she runs a library of Jewish books out of her house. The charge for a years membership is about the same as 1/4 of a tank of gas, so very very reasonable compared to what I have provided her. I don't have cash to join the library now, though she knows I want to and my teenagers keep asking me to.

Would it be rude for me to ask her for a free library membership in exchange for the rides? Would I be putting myself in a position where I will be obligated to give her the rides, even if it isn't convenient for me?

I feel like a membership to the library costs her nothing, where as the rides certainly do cost me, but I may be missing something there, and I also can't figure out how to ask without putting her on a spot and feeling awkward.

Thanks!

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Jul 22 2013, 9:05 am

Oh no, the library membership costs her. Time, bother.

But you might ask.

Not as a stated quid pro quo. But, ask right when she is getting out of the car.

Be direct and point blank and ask as if you are sure she will say yes. In that firm confident of-course voice. Don't be wordy. Look her right in they eye. Her hand should still be on the car's door handle.

chocolate chips

Mon, Jul 22 2013, 9:28 am

If she asks you why you don't sign up say you can't afford it.
Perhaps she will get the hint and offer to give you free in return for the rides.

But otherwise I wouldn't say anything, you will just feel strange afterwards. Perhaps next time go fill up gas while you are with her and search for some cash to pay, she may offer to help.

notshanarishona

Mon, Jul 22 2013, 9:32 am

amother wrote:

Generally when you do a favor for someone for a long time and they repeatedly offer to pay and you say it's not necessary, they would assume you are doing without keeping tabs (I.e. expecting something back).
If you ask her if you can have it in exchange, it is definitely putting her in an awkward position to say no if for some reason she can't I.e. maybe she is not running the library independently and is not able to give free memberships, etc..
I would agree with chocolate chips that you can hint and see if she offers.

amother

Mon, Jul 22 2013, 9:44 am

She only offered the first couple times, when I was still in a financial position that I wouldn't have considered accepting. Things changed financially, more tuition and expenses without more income, and with it being more regular now it has more of a financial impact as well.

Last time I gave her a ride I told her how much we would love a library membership, especially over the summer while my teenagers are home, but that I can't afford it. She is a good friend, but not one who notices hints, so I am not surprised.

I know she is able to give free memberships, because she has told me that she has done it for others.

But it still isn't worth asking.

shlomitsmum

Mon, Jul 22 2013, 10:50 am

IMHopinion wrote:

No, I wouldn't ask. Your ride offer has nothing to do with her library.
If anything, I'd ask her to start chipping in for gas, and I'd use that cash to open a library account.

Yup! to the above .... except the keep mum part .

Since you are friends you can tell her you are in a tight spot and would appreciate some gas $$ but soften the bluntness by telling her she will get it back in the form of a library membership that you have been dying to get but cant manage at this time.

I am a huge fan of trust and open communication with friends ...If they are not the type I feel I can open myself to in good and in not so good times ,I don't bother pursuing it because it feels like being fake and keeping up appearances takes too much energy for me Tongue Out

, my motto is "what you see is what you get" .... and let them decide . B"H The friends I have are worth their weight in gold . Quality V/s Quantity.

So If it was my friend I would say : dear Plony I love taking you for rides in my car but lately things are tight and I could now use some gas money. I am also looking to save some of it so I can afford the library membership fee you charge . Hope you will be ok with this otherwise let me know . (good line to get rid of leech one sided types IME Twisted Evil

)

Lady Godiva

Mon, Jul 22 2013, 6:47 pm

shanie5 wrote:

why tie the 2 together? Just say to her "you know, finances are really tight right now and we cant afford library membership. I know you sometimes offer free membership, can I possibly ask you for that chessed?"

I think this is the way to do it. At least on the first try. It's a lot less tacky than reminding her that you did her favors. Hopefully she will put 2 and 2 together and agree to the free membership.

Lady Godiva

Mon, Jul 22 2013, 6:48 pm

...though I do love the way Dolly said this... Especially the last sentence. LOL

Dolly Welsh wrote:

But, ask right when she is getting out of the car.

Be direct and point blank and ask as if you are sure she will say yes. In that firm confident of-course voice. Don't be wordy. Look her right in they eye. Her hand should still be on the car's door handle.