Bringing a kid a forgotten lunch

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 11:58 am

So, just to give some background first.

I grew up with absolutely no responsibility, other than homework. My mother did everything for us. No chores, not even "helping around the house." My mom cleaned up my room (although she kvetched about my never doing it -- but I didn't HAVE to!), never let me in the kitchen, etc. If anything had to happen -- signing up for sleepover camp, filling out sem applications, etc -- she did it for me, or hounded me and sat down with me so we could do it "together." On the one hand, it made life pretty easy. On the other, I never had to step up to the plate and take responsility for myself. It hit me hard when I moved out and had no clue how to do anything. I promised myself that I'd raise my kids differently. (Doesn't everyone make that promise?)

One of the things my mom always did for me that I was embarassed about was bringing me things I left at home. Especially lunches. I'd leave my lunch at home every once in a while, and she'd drive it to school for me (school was about half an hour away). She was a SAHM, so she could do that. My friends thought I was so spoiled, and although she was doing it out of love, part of me wondered whether I would be more responsible myself if I didn't always have my mom as a safety net. (I was very irresponsble, always forgetting things, etc.)

I have one dc who is just like I was as a kid. Very spacey, always forgetting things, never really paying attention to things. His morah (he's in kindergarten) sees it too. I try my hardest to give him responsibilities and to show him that I trust he can do it. Things like saying "I'm giving you your water bottle now -- it's your responsibility to make sure that you have it the whole time at the playground. Where will you put it so that you'll remember it?" He's very slow getting dressed in the morning, so as another example, I tell him when there's twenty minutes left, ten minutes left, and then two minutes left until it's time to leave. He usually has about an hour to get dressed and eat breakfast in the morning, sometimes more, but he likes to lie around his room doing nothing instead. If he doesn't have time for breakfast, I will NOT nag him or send him with breakfast in the car. He's missed breakfast maybe three times the whole year (mostly at the beginning), had to rush through a three minute breakfast maybe three more times, but the rest of the time he's learned that if he gets dressed quickly he'll have time to eat.

Am I cruel for doing that? I think it's good for him. He's only a kindergartener -- am I being too harsh?

And then today he forgot his knapsack at home. This year I started giving him the small responsibility of putting his lunch in his knapsack (I put an ice pack in and leave it right near his knapsack, he needs to actually put it inside and zip it -- and I call him up right before we leave to remind him to do it). Today he put his lunch in his knapsack and then didn't take it with him. We noticed when I got there -- a good twenty minutes away from home. I gave him a lot of sympathy and told him I'm so sorry, I know he'll figure something out, the school always has something for kids to eat if they forget their lunches. He walked away and then came back a minute later and said, "Mommy, would you have time to drive back home and bring it to school for me?" He was so cute and polite about it. I told him I wish I did, but with one kid home sick and the house in shambles from Pesach (and no chometz food in the house other than a box of Cheerios dh got yesterday) and Shabbos coming, I just wouldn't be able to. It's true -- it would have been hard to squeeze in. But my mom would have done it. I could have -- even though I work from home and do have plenty of work and mommy-work to do. It would have been stressful...but I thought it would teach him the lesson of remembering to bring his knapsack anyway, and the idea of shlepping out there really WOULD make it hard, so I didn't feel badly telling him that.

But his morah called a bit ago and said that ds didn't have his lunch and would I be able to bring it? She seemed so surprised when I said I couldn't (at this point it was close to lunchtime and my baby was finally napping at home and I was working, so I really couldn't unless it was a real emergency), and she said oh, maybe they'll find some bread and jelly or something...but she sounded so surprised and disappointed that I wasn't coming.

I just don't get it. Yes, he's young. But leaving his lunch at home and having a boring lunch won't kill him. I'll pay her for the bread and jelly if she wants -- you would imagine that kids do leave their lunches at home occasionally so they should have something to rely on there, right? I do sometimes catch him on the way out the door without his knapsack and gently remind him, but in this situation, I thought that letting him feel, just once, the importance of bringing it himself, was not a bad thing. Am I wrong?

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:03 pm

PS I reread my post, and realized that it sounded like this was an in-house kindergarten or something. It's not. It's one grade in the elementary school.

I'm not asking "Should I have brought him a lunch." I don't think it would have been wrong for me to bring him one. But I also don't think it's wrong for him to see, just once, that when he gets upset at me for bugging him to not forget his knapsack, it's because there are actual repercussions of not bringing it to school. And he won't starve. He'll be fine. Right?

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:11 pm

I'm hung up on the fact that your son's morah seemed surprised that you couldn't come out and bring him his lunch. For those of use who work, sometimes over an hour away from our children's schools, delivering something to the school that our children forgot at home is NEVER an option.

My kids have forgotten their lunches at home countless times. And it is their responsibility to pack it up--even the "spacey," forgetful ones. The school always has something they can eat. Your son will be fine. You shouldn't feel the least bit guilty. And if it turns out that your son comes home and tells you how upset he was that he forgot to bring his lunch, maybe if it happens a few more times, he'll make more of an effort to pack it up in the morning.

We can't always be there to pick up after them or to clean up their mistakes and messes. And sometimes they have to learn that the hard way.

Ima2NYM_LTR

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:16 pm

Honestly - yes and no

It is important to teach kids responsibility, and it is good that your are conscience of that and want to instill that very important skill in your children.

I think though- and this is from a quick read and I am not a professional anything- that you may be trying to overcompensate for your own upbringing. While children do need responsibility, they need it to be age appropriate. Yes, he should be able to put his lunch in his bag, but if he forgets, that is normal. It should be seen as a teaching experience and not as major problem. Especially if its a one time thing. OTOH, when he is 9 or 10, if he forgets his lunch constantly, then I agree that not taking it to him (esp. if the school can provide) is reasonable.

Since you knew this morning, Id say you should have made the effort- things may be hectic at home, but he is only 5. You asked him to figure it out, which assumes he has better problem solving skills than most kids at that age have. You must have known the school would call when it came time for snack or lunch- when you decided you wouldn't be bring him his lunch, you could have called the school and told them.

Im not saying you are a bad parent- it sounds like you a wonderful, loving parent. I just think your expectations may be too high. Yes- a five year old can put the lunch in his bag. At the same time YES- every now and then he will forget.

Also- I always look at these situations in my own home as a supervisory situation. The kids are given responsibilities, but I still need to supervise to make sure those jobs are done- thats my responsibility. When my husband takes my kids to school in the morning without a coat, and they have to be cold or stay inside for recess, I remind him that YES, it is the childrens responsibility to take the coat and YES, it is his responsibility to make sure they did it- even if he told them 10 times. Giving our children responsibilities does not negate our own responsibility.

This time its water under the bridge- you cant change anything. Id say when you get your son at the end of the day, dont make a big deal of it. Next time though, be willing to take it in if it isnt a regular issue.

greenfire

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:18 pm

you should be making sure he gets dressed & eats in the mornings - not leave it all up to him - he's 5 - not 15 ... for heaven's sake please don't make him raise himself ... that's too much responsibility ... he needs guidance

Chayalle

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:19 pm

So long as there is an alternative so your child is not going to be hungry, I think it's fine not to bring him his lunch.

I think it's great that you want to teach your child responsibility and not molly coddle him. OTOH it's very important to be balanced. Extremes are always unhealthy, so extreme expectations can be just as bad for a child than none at all.

So - if there was no sandwich available for your kindergartener, I'd say yes, make the effort to bring his lunch. A child that age is too young to be expected to go hungry if they forgot their lunch - which, at that age, is pretty normal, spacey or not.

But he won't starve from a jam sandwich...and might learn something from not having his preferred lunch.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 12:43 pm

Got to run, so only time for a quick reply.

But Greenfire, it used to be SUCH a struggle to get him to get dressed in the morning. Unless I physically dress him myself, he'll just ignore me and stare at the ceiling. It used to be a huge power struggle last year to get him to dress hismelf. And even if I was dressing him (which would be ridiculous now, for a 6 year old to not get himself dressed), he would keep on getting distracted by things and wander off, or whine that he didn't want to wear that shirt, he wanted to chose it HIMSELF -- and then he would take forever to choose it.

This has made our home peaceful again. At the cost of three days of him "going hungry" -- they have a snack first thing when they get to school, so I'm not really worried -- three days out of the year, I think it's entirely worth the trade off.

I hope your kids never get MY personality! Wink

I must have been a pain to raise.

Ima2NYM_LTR

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 1:15 pm

OPer
Have you ever thought of creating a reward program to motivate him? A sticker chart for doing things quickly? Or he could 'race his best time' each morning? I have found with my slow pokes that positive encouragement helps to motivate them.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 2:15 pm

Thanks for the advice! Yeah, I've tried charts, racing himself (I wish I could have him race a sibling, but I know that wouldn't be good for either of them)...it works for a week or so, and then he loses interest. He'll get to the point where he'll say "I dont' care" about the reward, even if he was really excited about it at the beginning. Tried small and big rewards (for one day vs. for a little while). I feel like when I did that, he felt like "Wow, Mommy really needs me to do this. If she needs me to do it that badly, she'll make sure it gets done. So why do I need to?"

I'm really quite happy with the way things are right now. Again, even when he does eat breakfast, it's usually not until about 8 am. In school, they have a snack at 9 am -- usually a fruit. If he's hungry, they'll let him eat more than that, as long as it's healthy. So I'm really not worried about him suffering because of it. But he really likes cereal, and he's upset that he lost a chance to eat it. (I know, that sounds weird.)

I also wanted to respond to your other post. Yes, I also wonder whether I"m try to overcompensate. That's why I wrote the whole background, because I often second-guess myself about things like this. I want to make sure that what I'm doing is right, not just "not what my mom did." I wanted you all to know where I"m coming from so you could tell me whether you think this is overboard.

I realize he's only six. But he's not a typical six year old who, left to his own devices, would leave his lunch at home a handful of times each year. He's a six year old who, left to his own devices, would probably only get his lunch to school once a week! His morah has agreed that this is something I should work on, on giving him responsibilities and not bailing him out, because he has such a "I don't care" attitude. I did tell him to pack up his knapsack this morning. I then said, "Okay, ds, get your knapsack and come out to the car." He didn't.

I'm not going to make a big deal out of a it. If he brings it up, I'll give him plenty of sympathy. It's tough to forget something -- I know, I've done it. I'm not going to be the big mean mommy and chew him out for it.

And yeah, to the poster who said that working moms don't have the luxury of running to their kids' school all the time -- I wondered about that too. It could be that she knows I work from home. But WAHMs are only sometimes more flexible than working moms. How does she know what kind of deadlines I have today, or how many hours I have to work to make up from Pesach? If her kid left his lunch at home, would she just leave school for forty minutes roundtrip home and back to bring it to him? I don't know...

the world's best mom

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 2:17 pm

I wouldn't make a kid go to school without breakfast.

My kids went through a stage where they just sat around and spaced out in the morning. I decided that at 7:30 am, the whole family has jumping jack time. The kids needed to do 10 jumping jacks and I do 50. It wakes them up and makes them move. The problem was that one of my children had trouble doing them, so she cried and cried about it and refused to do her jumping jacks. So I decided to set a timer for 10-15 minutes each morning. Anyone who is not dressed when the timer goes off has to do the jumping jacks. It really works wonders.

As far as bringing the forgotten lunch to school, I once heard that it should depend on your kid. If the kid is the responsible type who just accidentally forgot something, since we are all human, you might want to bring it to him. If the kid is irresponsible, it's better to let him learn from his mistakes. It also depends if the kid is the type who would appreciate your efforts in bringing him his lunch, or if he would take it for granted.

ETA:I see your ds gets a fruit at 9. In that case, missing breakfast is not so terrible.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 3:19 pm

I think you're having unrealistic expectations of a preschool child, especially one whose tendency is not to be on top of things. IMO, the focus at this age should be teaching increasing responsibility via whatever means work best for that child, NOT making him deal with unpleasant consequences that he's honestly not developmentally capable of anticipating right now.

SplitPea

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 3:36 pm

I say yes and no. I don't think it's proper to depend on the school ton provide your child a lunch if he forgets but I DO believe a lesson needs to be learned.

My dd is in a special Ed public school and there have been times I have forgotten to send her backpack/lunch. School is 45 minutes away and I have 2 other kids at home. It's not possible to get there and they have nothing for her. So after the first time I forgot to send her backpack I sent in a few individual boxes of cereal and some individual boxes milk etc. where she will have food and snacks if I forget.

Maybe if you want to do a "hard lesson learned" get your child's least fav cereal and boxed milk and send up there to keep in his cubby. If he ever forgets he has lunch and you are not being dependent on the school to provide him food (not their job and honestly could be a HUGE pita for the teacher if the school does not also offer hot lunch that they can give him)

gold21

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 3:51 pm

I dunno... but I would've brought him the lunch... unless I was sure the school could provide some decent food... a good lunch is really important... an empty belly seems like a harsh way for a 6 year old to learn responsibility... though I understand your concerns... good luck

ElTam

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 5:29 pm

Write down in a week how many things you forget. How many things do you have to go back in the house for? Forget where you put it? Forgot to put on the shopping list.

I was having a hard time with my kids forgetting this and that and I went through this whole "they have to learn responsibility" blah blah blah.

And after a week, I realized I needed to be as forgiving of them as I am of myself, and to help them with reminders etc., rather than punishing them for a human habit.

Just my .02.

tropicalrainforest

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 6:00 pm

My entire family is extremely forgetful and a little absent minded . Our answer to this problem are visual checklists.
Hanging next to our front door is a picture checklist of all items needed to get out of the house in the morning . In our bathroom is a picture of all items each child needs to do in the morning and bedtime . In each bedroom is a visual checklist of our morning / bedtime routine . You get the picture . I basically laminated a bunch of google images , attached sticky Velcro backing and the kids move the picture to the done category when the activity is done . Some kids need this kind of visual cueing in order to process what is expected from them. Good luck .
(Im all for natural consequences , but I would make sure he has a proper breakfast and lunch so his school day is not compromised .)

imasinger

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 7:19 pm

OP, do you think it might make any sense to have him evaluated for ADD?

Any kid can be spacy occasionally, but you describe this as a regular condition.

I think you might consider a follow up talk with the teacher to clear the air. Maybe the school stopped providing food for those who forgot, or something?

Sometimes, natural consequences do a job for you. IMO, if a kid is teased, as you were, for "getting spoiled", s/he will not ask for a lunch to be brought. As long as he asks and it is possible for you to bring, I think it makes sense to do so. But if it is not possible, then the school needs to understand and be supportive.

amother

Thu, Apr 24 2014, 7:24 pm

I too have a boy the same age, and he's also on the slower paced side. I feel your frustrations. One thing that works with him, and I remember as a child it worked for me too.. I give him his clothing and I count for each item. "Ok, so underwear I'm counting to 10. I bet your not able to get them on so fast." And sure enough he's dressed himself within a few mins.
As far as responsibility.. I personally wouldn't deal with it that way. I would work together with him on it without consequences for another year or 2 at least. Maybe a visual checklist near the door, and each morning as you leave, the 2 of you together go over the list and see if it's all done and he has everything. By the time he's 8 or 9 and he leaves his napsack, I would probably show him a consequence and see if that helps. But at 6 they are really learning the beginning stages of taking care of themselves...
Good luck!! Parenting ain't easy!!