I Never Signed Up for This

amother

Tue, May 06 2014, 12:21 pm

Once upon a time, I was an innocent young girl with a dream.

I was a young teenager when I discovered Yiddishkeit. It all seemed so meaningful and so different from what I knew. As I was a dreamer by nature, all of the ideals of building a chareidi home really grabbed me - chicken soup boiling on the stove, happy little children running around my feet, roses around the door, and a talmid chochom for a husband who would help me build a beautiful Torah home full of purity and warmth.

I became very frum and bought into the dream. But I paid the price even then. Among the non jews I grew up with, I was the Jew and among the frum people I tried to connect with, I was the shiksa. And among the family, I was the flake who wanted to go back to being frum. And I swallowed it all and moved on towards my dream, giving it whatever I could.

When I was old enough, the community that I had joined married off the young, dreamy idealist to the crazy BT guy that no one wanted for their own daughters. Of course, no one told me he was crazy, and he seemed so frum and sincere that I bought into the dream. And after a rollercoaster of a marriage that included alcohol, beatings and more, and having a number of children together, Crazy Guy got bored with me and the kids and found someone else, ran off with her, and b"H gave me a Get.

Since then, I've done loads of therapy and pushed ahead with my life. I'm still not remarried, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. I'm not interested in the crazies that people try to set me up with, I have my children, my life, and things on the surface are really not that bad.

But each of my kids in turn is dropping off the derech, and it doesn't surprise me. It's hard single parenting a lot of children. And all my children saw of our religious married life was "frum" Crazy Guy preaching about being frum while getting drunk, behaving weird, and ultimately running off with his girlfriend, so it doesn't give them a great view of religion. Add to that the contempt of being the "kids from the divorced home," and they're all outta there as fast as they can run.

These days, I feel so empty. I just wonder what I did it all for. Evidently God didn't really want my hard work, as far as I can see. So was there, is there any point? And all I can say is, "I didn't sign up for this." But there's nowhere to go.

pizza4

Tue, May 06 2014, 1:40 pm

Is it possible to get in touch with other BTs, speak to a rabbi or get someone like a mentor for your children?
Their neshamos are too precious for you to give up on so fast. This, like all you went through until this point, is another nisayon. Use this challenging and tough time to grow; find out how you can help yourself and your children. Of course this is easy for me to say, and I can only imagine how hard it is for you.
Hug

Hatzlacha!

debsey

Tue, May 06 2014, 3:32 pm

HUGS.....I was crying with you as I read this.
Dr. Shimon Russel gives this talk about "The things I didn't know before becoming frum that would have stopped me....Thank G-d I didn't know"
It's not even CLOSE to enough - but you might get some encouragement from listening to it.....
If you're in or near Lakewood, he has a support group for parents of kids who are questioning their observance. It gets good reviews from people who take it.
debs