Help with DS | Imamother

amother

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 5:25 am

imasinger wrote:

I think this may be a key piece of the puzzle. Can you describe your evening routine?

We all get home around 5:30. Dinner until 6. Bathe all the kids until 6:30. Get kids ready for bed by 7 (2/4 can interdependently get ready and are expected to put on pajamas, put laundry in the hamper, brush their teeth and prepare clothing for the next day). Then each child gets a bedtime story and gets into bed. Then I cuddle with each one for 10 minutes while we talk about their day. There is no specific order in which they get cuddled - we rotate depending on who needs it most.

5*Mom

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 5:40 am

amother wrote:

imasinger is definitely onto something. This schedule--out of the house till 5:30, no down time at all--sounds grueling for an adult, let alone a child. I'd freak out too, and probably every day.

How about getting all the kids ready and in bed while ds colors or relaxes or whatever he likes to do, and then just having some one-on-one time with ds? Read a story, just chill, just you and him. It sounds like he's so wound up from his day with no time to unwind; this might give him that time.

amother

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 7:34 am

5*Mom wrote:

Unfortunately, I can't give him extra time to unwind.

If he goes to sleep later, he can't wake up in the morning and behaves terribly. I wish we could all get home earlier, but that isn't feasible at this time.

He goes to an after care program where he gets to relax/unwind a bit. At that time of day, its not structured so he can watch a movie or read a book or just play.

5*Mom

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 7:43 am

amother wrote:

He goes to an after care program where he gets to relax/unwind a bit. At that time of day, its not structured so he can watch a movie or read a book or just play.

I hear you. It's not easy. But consider that it may not be as relaxing for him as you think. I know it wouldn't be for me, wouldn't have been as a kid. It's not his own space and there are other kids there making noise and doing other distracting things, and then he doesn't really have any transition time from that program to your evening routine at home. I realize that you may not be able to do anything about your schedule, but at least understand that he has good reason to be wound up and explode every now and then and you'll just have to be compassionate while you help him ride it out. If you're doing the best you can do, so is he.

mummiedearest

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 8:57 am

op, you can bathe the kids every other day. that gives him a half-hour every other day to color/chill. downtime is VERY important for kids.

can he get into pjs in aftercare? that also cuts down on the hectic atmosphere at home. also, can you pick his clothing for him/arrange the clothing so he can pick it in the morning?

10 minutes with you at the end of the day is great, but kids need more time to feel at home. relaxation at a day care center just isn't the same.

manhattanmom

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 9:07 am

Definitely agreeing with the above posters. My kids who are roughly that age (7 and 5) really need downtime at home. My parents always laugh about how in the summers we were always in day camp until after 4, then we'd play outside until it got dark--we'd ride bikes up and down the block with neighbors and cousins and just be super busy and then we always had meltdowns at bedtime that we didn't have time to "play!"

As a parent now, I totally understand it. My kids really need time each day at home, alone--not in the park with friends to "play" to read a book, to construct with their legos, uninterrupted. So much so, that last summer even though it was hot and we had plenty opportunities to be out playing and being social, when they came home from a long day in day camp, we ate dinner right away, had baths, and then had some down time at home. I appreciated it too Wink

amother

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 9:32 am

When we run a bit late, we skip bath. It does often end up being every other day. However, with summer coming up, there is no way to skip it. He gets pretty gross if he misses bath, and I don't want to cause him social issues because of it.

DS may need some chill time at home, but I can't give him any more. If he finishes his dinner nicely he gets about 10 minutes to relax/play before we get ready for bath or if he gets ready for bed very nicely (it takes about 10 minutes for him to do everything), he can have 15-20 minutes to play.

I don't mind picking out his clothing for the next day, but he wants to. Everything is prepared in his drawers, so its really easy for him to grab.

imasinger

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 12:08 pm

Why don't you try the food and water ideas first. If that does the trick, great.

If not, maybe spend a few days of making the time for him as others have suggested (yes, difficult, bit truly not impossible) and see if it makes a difference?

If it does, even if it's more hassle for you to arrange, in the long run, it's less time and energy for both you and DS than dealing with his tantrums.

granolamom

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 12:58 pm

Your schedule sounds really tight, I realize there's not much you can do about it but I like the idea of skipping baths a few times a week especially later in the week as you say it's worse then. I also liked the idea of putting everyone else to bed while he plays and then him last. You said when he stays up late thing are rough the next morning, but what if the later bedtime was orchestrated to be a relaxing unwind for him? Maybe try it for a week and see what happens.
Another idea... You aren't bathing each child for 30 min, so if he takes a really quick shower, he's still got 20 min to play, no? Maybe you can direct him to soothing (indoor) activities. Coloring, play doh, Legos. Another indoor self soothe that we've used her is I bought one of those pop-up tents and filled it with pillows and photo albums. It's a really cozy safe spot to cool off in

amother

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 1:15 pm

granolamom wrote:

I love the tent idea. I just ordered one for him. Its a great way for him to get comfortable and cool down in his own space. I hope that works.

When I say mornings are rough...I mean he can't get out of bed. He can't wake up and then can't focus during the day. He's grumpy and moody and tired. He doesn't feel well (headaches and achy limbs). He gets bags under his eyes. He needs a lot of sleep.

He is my oldest.

amother

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 1:18 pm

imasinger wrote:

I know I sound like I'm being difficult. I wish I could spend more time with him and cater to his desired schedule.

I disagree that its less time and energy. I think this is the way he deals with exhaustion and stress and we all need to learn coping skills for this. If we don't start trying alternative ways, he will be a teenager who lashes out when he is tired or upset.

mummiedearest

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 5:10 pm

amother wrote:

sometimes you have to see changing the schedule to suit your child as YOUR learning coping skills. and his coping skills may need to be setting aside relaxation time at home.

imasinger

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 5:56 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

sometimes you have to see changing the schedule to suit your child as YOUR learning coping skills. and his coping skills may need to be setting aside relaxation time at home.

.

Right now, you have a problem. DS melts down.

You want him not to do it.

You are pretty sure that his behavior is a result of tiredness and stress.

Maybe you and he can brainstorm about it at a time when he is calm. Maybe there is something (like a tent) that will suffice.

But if you don't hit on some object that works, you will have to plan to devote some time to teachng him coping strategies.

Because if you don't, this could blow up as a problem in school and home long before the teen years.

Can you consider hiring a mother's helper, or bathing the babies in the morning?

granolamom

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 6:33 pm

this may be an unpopular opinion, and really I only speak from my somewhat limited experience but since I have 'difficult' children (meaning high needs, sensory, inflexible and explosive) I feel that I do have some valuable experience.
stop worrying about his lashing out as a teen. this is not about that. this seems to be about his inability to cope with the schedule. he has an unmet need (not blaming you OP, if your schedule just is the way it is there is nothing to be done except acknowledge that is it leaving his needs unmet) and at this age he may be too young to be expected to cope with that the way you would like him too. in short, your expectation may be unrealistic in this situation.
I cannot tell you how many times people (friends, family members, teachers, therapists, etc) told me that I was coddling my kid and not teaching him necessary coping strategies and it would all blow up in my face later on. well guess what, my now-teens seem to be no worse off for it now. and they did learn some valuable lessons along the way, such as knowing that I am in their corner. I recognize their challenge. I do not expect 'my way or the highway' when they are simply unable to do what may be typical for kids their age. they trust me, they come to me with failures, they come to me for advice when so many of my friends kids go to their friends instead of parents. so there is no one way. but if I've learned anything, its that the important thing is to deal with todays problem and not imagine that it is bigger than it is.
your son melting down at age 6, when he is exhausted and poorly coping with his inflexible schedule does not mean he will be an explosive teen. it simply is what it is right now.

I asked about birth order because if he's your oldest its a bit easier in that you can say you've decided to give him the privilege of staying up a bit later while you put the littler ones to bed. even if its only 5 minutes, designating those 5 minutes as 'his time' might allow him to relax a bit or feel less rushed and it never hurt to let a child know you recognize this difficulty and are trying to throw him a bone, kwim?

amother

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 7:27 pm

imasinger wrote:

I'm trying to teach him coping strategies so this doesn't blow up in my face. I'm looking for strategy.

For various reasons (which I won't detail), I cannot hire someone to help nor can they be bathed in the morning.

5*Mom

Sat, Jun 14 2014, 2:37 pm

amother wrote:

When I say mornings are rough...I mean he can't get out of bed. He can't wake up and then can't focus during the day. He's grumpy and moody and tired. He doesn't feel well (headaches and achy limbs). He gets bags under his eyes. He needs a lot of sleep.

I'm willing to bet he's not getting quality sleep because he's so wound up. He may not even be falling asleep for a while.

OP, why not just try, for a week, keeping him up for 10 extra, private, chill-out-and-unwind minutes and see if that doesn't actually benefit his sleep and his morning mood.