Do I have to say yes yet again???

amother

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 9:01 am

I posted a few weeks ago about my sister in law who wanted to come for shabbos in my one room apartment. I was 8 months pregnant then. Turned out to be a really nice shabbos that I don't regret. The problem is that now her sister wants to come because she is closer to us for the summer and she has a ride. The problem is I'm due in two weeks and can realistically go into labor at any time. I'm also exhausted working upwards of 50 hours with an additional 10 hours of commuting this week (gonna be the same for the next two weeks too!) and I'm VERY aware of the fact that nida free time is running out and shabbos is the only real time I have with my husband.

Does it have to be a good week for us to have her just because she has a ride this week and it's convenient for her?? My husband feels bad saying it's not a good week because we just had her sister but he's willing to do it if I say I'm not up to it. I actually have an easier relationship with this sister in law and I'm thrilled at the thought of having her at some point but just feel like right now it's too much. Is it so bad to be too exhausted when I'm working full time and 9 months pregnant??? Is it ok to make it about me and just say no?? My mother claims that if I were in her shoes I'd be highly offended if my brother said it's not a good week but I know I'd never consider inviting myself at such a time and I've also never been offended when it wasn't a good week (my parents left me alone every summer so I had to find shabbos plans every week and I distinctly remember A. inviting them to me where I'd do all the cooking and B. asking which, if any, of the weeks my parents were gone was good for them). Am I entirely evil if I just say no?

We tried hinting it to her saying we have no where to put her up and that I may go into labor and then what would she do stuck alone...unfortunately she found a great solution. She has a local friend who is working on finding her someone in the neighborhood she can stay by who can also have her for meals just in case I go into labor. She's not the inhibited type and being stuck alone by strangers is something she views as an awesome adventure and it won't scare her off.

And I REALLY don't want her there when I go into labor. Don't want her timing contractions with me or knowing that I went to the hospital. As it is I know I can only tell my inlaws once the baby is born so that they won't show up too soon after delivery (or even before delivery) and being as they are several hours away it buys me some time. I also want to be the one to tell people when I'm ready but if I go into labor with her there...well feels like half the world will have to know about it before I'm ready (her, her hosts, her parents the second shabbos is over, etc).

What should I do?

HT217

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 9:08 am

It is very understandable that you do not want a guest at this time. Just tell her that this is not a good time and that you will be happy to have her another time. This is absolutely a special time for you and your husband, and as much as you love your family, this does not have to be a time that you share with them. Good luck and b'shaah tovah!

rachel6543

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 9:16 am

You do NOT have to say yes. You're 9 months pregnant, and still working fulltime!?! It's definitely okay to say now is not a good time to have guests. You sound so overwhelmed and your feelings are completely valid. It's completely okay to say no, you're tired and need rest and want a little privacy with your husband before the baby is born.

amother

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 9:19 am

A relative is making a simcha this week I was about to be asked to host several relatives and I am due in two weeks with my first. Thankfully my mother intervened and told them under no circumstances was it fair for them to even ask me. If they had asked me I would have been completely stressed and would have likely said yes. I cant believe they even considered asking.

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 9:30 am

when you say no, make sure to say we really want you to come bla bla bla, but it's not a good week, and we hope she'll be able to come a different time instead.

freidasima

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 9:38 am

Just say NO. Sorry this isn't a good time for me, I'm too close to giving birth and it's just too stressful for me to contemplate. Sorry. When you have a baby you will understand.

Leave it at that. NO MORE EXPLANATIONS
You don't owe anyone anything except yourself and your baby if your husband doesn't understand tell him that HE can get pregnant with the next one himself, carry it himself and birth it through his navel for all you care.

But no way Jose. You should be alone this shabbos. It's different when you have older kids and need someone to take care of them if you end up going to the hospital on shabbos. Every week and the end that my oldest dd was pregnant one of her sisters would sleep there fore shabbos to take care of the older ones if she went into labor. Which she did.

Raisin

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 9:45 am

Can she find a place nearby and come for a meal? maybe lunch when you won't be so tired.

amother

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 9:58 am

Raisin wrote:

Can she find a place nearby and come for a meal? maybe lunch when you won't be so tired.

Well she is looking for a place close by to stay at but wants to be our guest. It won't just be coming for lunch and finished. She'd come for both meals and hang out in the afternoon and motzei shabbos unless her ride is leaving then. She wants to spend time with us which I get it's just really bad timing. After the baby works so much better for us. She can enjoy the baby and it can help us with a break AND we can spend time with her (hey, I'll be nidda anyway!). The problem is she won't be local anymore.

PS thanks for all the responses! I feel so much better now. Now I'm not sure if I should be waiting to hear if she found a place or not because a best case scenario would be her not being able to find a place and never finding out that we were never really up for it anyway.

amother

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 10:34 am

So can't you tell her you'd love to see her but you're exhausted so you'd love to see her for lunch only? Are you really going to be having relations all day?

21young

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 10:45 am

Don't wait for her to find a place because if she does and then you say no, she might be annoyed that she worked to find someplace to stay for nothing. Just say no right now. Correction, let DH be the one to say no. In no uncertain terms. I would be pretty annoyed at even being asked to host at that point.

amother

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 11:26 am

amother wrote:

So can't you tell her you'd love to see her but you're exhausted so you'd love to see her for lunch only? Are you really going to be having relations all day?

It's not about relations all day it's about quality time together and resting up from insane work week and getting ready for next insane work week.

ElTam

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 4:37 pm

You aren't up to it. You don't want her there when you go into labor. You need a break. Tell you need to take a rain check, as much as you would love to have her, you are just very exhausted from the pregnancy.

And b'sha'ah tovah!

zaq

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:02 pm

Just say no.
No.
Non.
Nein.
Nyet.
Nope.
Huh-uh.
No, sorry.
No way, Jose.
No, this is not a good time.
No, can't do it.
No, definitely not.
No, absotively, posilutely not.
What part of "no" did you not understand?

zaq

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:06 pm

Or--

Yes! Of course! That would be great! I was going to hire someone to cook and serve and clean up for Shabbos since I can't manage it at this point but you can do it instead! Thanks so much for volunteering!

causemommysaid

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:10 pm

last time I thought you should just have the sil and deal with it since you were not due anytime soon.

this time I think you should say no.

chocolate chips

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:23 pm

Say no.
Don't feel guilty.

She said her self she can make other plans. You are not up to it end of story.
She should have enough sense not to be insulted and understand why.

In fact she should have had the sense not to ask at all.

amother

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 7:16 pm

So we're in a little bit of trouble now because we can't reach her! She's not picking up or responding to texts. I'd assume that she didn't plan on announcing her arrival with shabbos but dh says that she's sometimes absorbed in her own world and may not realize that'd we'd need an answer by now. We've been trying to reach her to tell her it's bad timing. It's not even about the cooking. I'm cooking anyway. It's the entertaining that's scaring me off. I hope that we can still get out of it! Apparently she has a friend who lives across from my complex. If she already planned to stay there it will be incredibly hard to get out of it.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 7:56 pm

Were you clear in your messages that this week won't work out? If not, send something explicit.

amother

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 8:04 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

Were you clear in your messages that this week won't work out? If not, send something explicit.

The problem is she has bad reception which is why we can't reach her. Sending more explicit message won't help.