No patience in the morning- terrible mother

amother

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:22 pm

I really dont like how my mornings are running anymore.

due to some recent changes I now have the kids by myself for about 2 hours before we have to leave (for dressing, breakfast and packing up).

I am not dealing well with it and do not like how things are going.

My kids are almost 3 and 1.

I have no patience for any shenanegans that the older one throws my way. When he kicks while I try to get his pants on, I yell at him to stop. I have even come to giving him a swat when he persists on kicking. the morning is turning into a power struggle. I cant handle it. I cant chase him around the house. I cant hold a crying infant at the same time. I have to get out at a certain time. I have a hard time not hitting when im hurt- its my automatic response- to hit back/push away when say a head slams into my nose.

I am starting to hate myself and dread mornings. they used to be so much better. DH would take care of the baby while I dressed the toddler and I just had more time to let him jump around between his shirt and his pants.

when I yell or hit it is not at all effective. obviously. he just does crazier. I tell him I cant deal with you. please just let me put on your shirt so we can go out already. of course he doesnt listen.

I dont like that im doing this.
I need help. I need something. I need to stop.

I need patience.
I need a plan.

HELP!

sky

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:39 pm

At 3 is he old enough to do a sticker chart? My 4 year old is doing this now.
I have pictures of what she should do - get dressed, put on her clothing, put clothes in the hamper, eat breakfast.
When she finishes each step she puts on a sticker.
Can you prepare his clothing the night before? Would he be happier picking out his own clothing?
Can he try dressing himself. My 2 1/2 year old dresses herself in the morning and she feels really proud of herself. If he would do that it may take some stress off of you.
Can you put your 1 year old in a high chair with some cheerios while you are busy so he will be happy and busy when you need to get things down.

21young

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:45 pm

What time is your 3-year old getting up and what time do you have to leave? You may have to leave him in bed/crib longer so he has less time to jump around, get bored, and drive you crazy. Or, you may have to wake him up earlier so you have more time to work with him. (Although that sounds highly unlikely, since you wrote that you have him up for 2 hours.)

Since you are waking at night you have to go to bed earlier so you are well rested in the morning and have more patience. Sleep deprivation will do funny things to you.

Very important is to have set routines - dress infant and get him ready before going to wake 3-year-old. Take 3 year old out, get him dressed first thing, give him breakfast, say modeh ani. However you want to work it, do the exact same things every day. Kids crave structure and eventually he'll fall in line.

I do this with my kids - I take my big kid out 40 minutes before his bus because I've experimented and seen that that's how long he needs to get ready, without too much time to get bored. We do the exact same thing every morning - down to the order of the songs we sing, and the way his yogurt his opened. The structure helps him feel secure.

Good luck!

amother

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 3:03 pm

hahaha 21young.

I dont wake anyone in my house- they wake me!

my 3 year old officially wakes at 7- tho it can be as early as 6:30 and he comes to my room (climbs out of his crib, opens his door and bangs on mine when he cant mange to open it or climbs right onto my bed when he can) and wakes me up (and sometimes the baby too- tho if left to his own devices the baby wakes by 7:15 latest usually, if not by 7.

DH comes home for a short time between 7:30 and 7:50 or so- after minyan to eat quickly. I try to have all of us breakfasted by then (well 3yo may still be eating- omg giving him breakfast takes 10 years cause he has many steps and of COURSE he has to do all of it (with my help)- but I try to be eaten by then and give the infant cheerios on the tray so I can eat.) dh will usually manage to hold the baby for 5 minutes so I get dressed then. after im ready I dress the baby and nurse at 8. then I round up everything that I need to get out- bottled milk from the fridge, clean bottles, 3yo's cup from his crib, my lunch (that I really should do the night before I know), etc. then I get to 3yo and I always ask if he wants to pick his shirt- usually he does, then ensues the actually getting it on him. when hes excited to go somewhere it actually takes short but some days he doesnt want to go to camp and then forget it. (tho hes always excited to go as soon as we leave the door). we have to be walking out the door at 8:50/9. and usually at some point 3yo knocks over the baby and then I have to comfort the baby- usually while baby is playing on the floor while I pack up. baby will screm if I leave him in the highchair past when hes done eating... he would play nicely on the floor for a while if he didnt have a big brother....

I wonder if a sticker chart would work.

oh and the reason I wait so long to dress the 3yo is that hes being toilet trained and wears underpants at home but not to camp since he hasnt been dry for a whole week there yet. so since I would ANYWAY have to take everything off again I dont bother with pants and socks for sure till after 8:30

Thanks!

amother

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 3:32 pm

amother wrote:

I have a hard time not hitting when im hurt- its my automatic response- to hit back/push away when say a head slams into my nose.

I have been wondering about this. I am 100% against hitting or physical punishment, I have never hit for discipline but when a child is being wild and getting on my nerves and then slams painfully into my face, I yell and push them away, hard. It seems like an instinct, there is no thought process behind it. It's like when I yell and jump away if I stub my toe. Is there any way to control this?

sped

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 4:27 pm

I find that mornings I manage to be up and ready before the kids - showered, dressed and coffeed - seem to much more smoothly. I can't say it happens often enough, especially since wake up here is sometimes 5:30-6:00, but when I can manage it, it really makes a big difference to the day.
Sometimes I "race" getting dressed with my 2 kids - we see who can get dressed first. Since I am completely dressing my little one, and mostly the older one, it basically means ds (older) has to cooperate. I dress them at the same time going back and forth between them.
I also find that singing a morning routine helps here too. And, of course, humor.
Can you keep your baby with you - take toys and have him play on the floor near you while you finish up?

amother

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 4:51 pm

sped wrote:

up before the kids.... I have a hard enough time getting up with the kids.
the race may work... if hes in the mood.
and I have the baby in the kitchen but of course whatever toy he has the 3yo suddenly NEEDS and....

singing is a good idea... helps keep me (and him) calmer.

thanks

and truthfully im able to keep it all together till about 8:30- guess thats when I start feeling the crunch. tho occasionally I have yelled at ds by breakfast time when he didnt wait for me (while I was grabbing his spoon or s/t from the kitchen) and spilled out a gallon of milk or the whole cereal box. but most of the time that I loose it is toward the end....

I dont want to have a house like that tho... my parents house was like that. woke everyone at 7, and from 7:30 on yelling- get to the kitchen and eat breakfast already, hurry up, wheres your shoes, why didnt you give me this to sign last night etc etc.

amother

Thu, Jul 17 2014, 7:38 am

I find that choices work, but just a choice between this and this. Do you want this tshirt or that one? Do you want to do your shirt first or your pants first? Do you want to eat breakfast first or get dressed first?
I also have one son who I often have to wake up on school mornings, and he always says no. If I say to him do you want 2 more minutes to sleep, he'll say yes then cooperate when I tell him ok, 2 minutes are up. You can do that with anything...do you want to play for 2 more minutes then we'll get dressed, or now? Do you want to lay in my bed for 2 minutes before...
Definitely get EVERYTHING ready the night before, I even put cereal, bowls and spoons on the table the night before, instead of having to get it all in the morning.
And since you are aware that you are doing way too much shouting, and hate it, it's easier to make a decision not to. Trust me, I know, I had 3 boys in less than 3 years, there was plenty of shouting going on in my house. Then we moved into a semi-detached house, and the kids were getting older and the shouting was helping even less, and I just decided that I was going to try to stop. Can't say it's all gone, but sometimes I'll catch myself out of control, and just stop and say that's it, I'm not shouting any more, no matter what happens for the next hour or so.

mommyoftwokh

Thu, Jul 17 2014, 10:27 am

Preparing lunch @night would give u the extra 15 min in the morning, how about giving him books to read with a lot of pictures so thathe's entertain ed a lil when he wakes up too early, this has worked for my 2 yrs old, but he's turned into a wild kid lately and can't manage him, he wakes up my parents the first thing in the morning. .. that's really bothering me, even if they say it doesn't bother them...

About the hitting, I feel the same way, bb loves to challenge me , would hit me ten times until I get frustrated, & ipush him away,telling him I don't wanna look @ u right now, he starts crying of course and my heart melts ,, instead of punishing him I end up hugging this little trouble maker.

21young

Thu, Jul 17 2014, 10:49 am

I think the big issue is that 3-year-old has too much time to jump around and drive everyone crazy. You can either:
1) Make him stay in his crib until you're ready to take him out. How? Warn him tonight in a calm, firm voice that he can not come out of his crib until you come in to get him. Tomorrow morning he will come into your room. You will calmly say, "You may not come out until I come get you." Pick him up, calmly put him back into the crib with toys, and close the door. Rinse and repeat. It may take a week or two, but he'll get the picture.
2) If you feel that you can't make him stay in his crib, you can do your best to get ready early, and then go outside and let him ride his bike or do whatever outside until you're ready to go.

For me, it's key that I am up and dressed before the kids. You can also lessen the power struggle of getting dressed by laying out his clothes the night before - now there's no choosing his shirt. Tell him "Here are your clothes. You can get dressed yourself, or I can help you, but you get one chance." At the first sign of a struggle, walk out. Then make sure to be ready to leave the house early. When you're ready to leave he will come begging you to help him get dressed, and you will have enough time to help him because you're early.

I use songs a lot, it's a big part of the morning routine.

As others have said, try to do as much as you can the night before.

Choices are great, but not at this point when he's so out of control. Right now you have to set a very rigid routine. Once he knows how mornings work you can start allowing more choosing.

I hope this helps! (Sorry so long, this is something that I have down pat and I'd love to help you have a calm morning.)

amother

Thu, Jul 17 2014, 11:15 am

Thanks everyone!

my lunch prep takes me under 2 minutes. his lunch is done the night before by dh at this point. so while I could/should do it the night before theres so much else that has to be packed up fresh (like pumped milk and refilling the sippy cup he used that night) that its not a huge deal.

today worked nicely but I cheated... last night we let dc watch a dvd for a few minutes and I told him he can finish it in the morning after hes dressed... it worked well. breakfast went ok- plus today dh was able to stay a little longer (but that was unusual) I got dressed before he left, then dressed the baby and then told 3yo that if he gets dressed now then he can finish his video and then both kids were occupied by the computer while I packed everything up and I was walking out the door at 8:45 after the video finished very relaxed. but I really dont like that idea. but will 10 min a morning be so bad? im not sure.

I wouldnt be able to keep ds in his crib (esp since I think were switching to a bed soon since the baby could use the bigger crib in a few months)... but maybe I can work on telling him he has to stay in his room...

setting breakfast the night before is an idea... but actually ds likes to do it. while im getting up (bathroom etc) he usually gets out the bowls, spoons and cups. cereal I often leave on the table all week and milk he can get unless its full and too heavy. he likes to do everything "all by myself". and 99% of the time he doesnt pour before im there helping him (we both hold the box) this is very routine for him and has been the case for months already and I see no reason to break that one. im not that pressed for time aside from having to get him dressed and him not playing along.

as for choosing his clothing I usually tell him to pick a shirt before I count to 10 or I will and he does or doesnt. but getting him in the shirt if hes not interested is harder. he likes taking his clothing out of the drawers (pants, socks too) and ill put it on him... if he picks it before 10. Does anyone know of a getting dressed song? he cleans up when we sing the cleanup song (and only then) that may work if there is one... or maybe ill make one up myself.

as to waking up early... I feel like 6:30 is so early already. have to drag myself out of bed. I cant go to sleep before 10:30. well I guess I can but I dont want to because dh doesnt get home from night seder till right before then and I dont like going to sleep before him (tho I have sometimes fallen asleep in my clothing on the couch or in bed)

wow this is long.

thanks everyone. you have given me alot of food for thought and ideas. I really appreciate it.

Bitachon101

Thu, Jul 17 2014, 1:18 pm

First of all, hugs, cuz I totally live what you're dealing with.
My dh used to be available for the morning routine (and afternoon pickup too!) But now has to be out early.
I was not functioning.
My kids don't wake as early as yours so its a little easier in that way but seriously mornings are impossible. My ds is almost 3 and sounds like a copy of urs and I have infant as well with the same story.
My first thing that saved me, I stopped working mornings because there's no way I can function and remain sane. I don't know if you have that option. I also decided I'm not gonna stress out about ds being late, and he comes late to camp/school everyday. I told his morah and she understands.
When I offer choices he usually doesn't want any of the choices, he just wants whatever he decides- which is often pajamas. So getting dressed is a fight every morning. Getting him to eat is like winning a marathon.
I discovered he likes leben. Though I don't think its the healthiest thing, I buy cases of leben and straws and every morning ds gets his leben after negel vaser. This way, if I can't get him to eat breakfast at least I know he has something in him to hold up til lunch.
My rule when he kicks me and bangs head on me is I get very upset first and tell him he hurt mommy and if he doesn't stop then mommy will have to potch. He gets the warning and usually says "no don't potch me" but if he keeps it up I give him a tap on the leg that's kicking and he usually gets upset. I always kiss after a potch and then we talk about why we got the potch. Sometimes he has to go in timeout until he is ready to be calm and say sorry.
The timeout usually happens when he's torturing the baby.
When he gets nuts if there is extra time (which happens less often these days) I usually find a toy or book he likes or put him on the toilet with a book or photo album to read.
You could also give him paper and crayons, or give him something to be your big helper.
I've even taken towels out for him to "fold" to keep him "helping".
The hardest part I find is juggling between getting him ready and screaming baby.
I've generally been just trying to tune out the baby crying and breathing in and out to stay calm while struggling with morning routine to get toddler out the door.
Sometimes when he doesn't want to go to camp and wants to play in house I tell him to bring his toy to the car.
I also gave him an old cell phone and a wallet and he likes to take those along or be busy with them.
And last but not least, my latest discovery is a cd player, I taught him how to turn it on and when he's off his rocker I tell him to turn on the music and his whole mode changes when the music is on.
All the best and I'm watching this thread for ideas too!
I like the sticker chart but think ds may be a drop too young.