Learn how to do a parent-teacher conference or don't do them

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Sat, Nov 15 2014, 10:11 pm

Just had a PT conference for DD #3 and I was totally shocked by the teacher's lack of professionalism. (I am a former teacher, BTW.)

We got a mid-term progress report before the conference. Everything on it was marked satisfactory except for "Listens to Oral Instructions" which was marked "Needs Improvement." We have never had a note home or a call from this teacher. And all the homework and tests coming home have excellent grades on them.

So we sit down with the teacher and she proceeds to spend 14 mins and 30 seconds of a 15-minute conference badmouthing our child. She went on and on about the not listening and not paying attention (the one bad mark on a whole list of good marks). She had no plan for improving or changing the behavior, just complained. DH finally tried to redirect her by saying, "Yes, we know what you are talking about. We see that at home and we are doing this, this and this to try to correct the behavior."

So then she started going on about two homework assignments that hadn't been handed in. Out of the entire year so far. One was from the week of the conference. I am the parent who supervises homework and both DS#1 and I had been sick all week, so I wasn't watching as closely. The other one was from the week prior, when DD had been out two days because she was sick. She didn't comment on the fact that there were 10 pages in the packet and 9 of them were graded 90% or higher, just on the one that was only halfway done. We assured her that DD would do the work and hand it in ASAP.

So then she went back to the complaining about the not listening, which I'm thinking if it's such a big problem that it's worth 75% of the conference you should call and let the parents know so they can work on it or maybe you should have a plan for dealing with it (which she didn't). And she even said, "A lot of times it seems like she's not paying attention but when I ask her a question, she knows the answer." So some of the not listening isn't even not listening, it's not gazing at the teacher in rapt attention, apparently.

Finally, my husband looks at his watch and sees we have less than a minute left and said, "So do you have anything good at all to say about DC?" And she just stared at him. Totally didn't get it.

I totally want to send her a report card grading her conference skills, complete with suggestions for improvement. I won't though.

momX4

Sat, Nov 15 2014, 10:18 pm

I would have a conversation with the principle. There may be an issue that the teacher has no control in class and may be venting her frustration to the parents instead of going to the principle for help.

Kudas for your DH with that last comment.

MaBelleVie

Sat, Nov 15 2014, 10:22 pm

Agree that the principal must be clued in. I'm sorry, though- it really hurts to hear your child being spoken about that way, even if it is baseless

amother

Sat, Nov 15 2014, 11:26 pm

I'm not saying what she said is baseless. DD does have an issue with listening, especially if you tell her something she doesn't want to hear. We have a system of escalating consequences for dealing with it at home. I have no problem with the teacher mentioning it. Even if she spends five minutes on it, fine. But as the classroom manager, she should have a plan for what she's going to do about it, not just vent to us.

And as a former teacher, I think back to the worst kids I had. Kids who had to be sent to the principal's office on a regular basis, or worse yet I had to call the principal to come get them because they refused to go when told to. I still found something good to say about them when it came time. Every child has strengths. Every child has good attributes. Part of your job as a teacher is to recognize and cultivate those.

groisamomma

Sat, Nov 15 2014, 11:41 pm

Nothing I ever tell a parent at conferences is a surprise. By November I've been in touch with every parent, and if there is an issue, however minor, several times already.

There is something nice to say about every child. Two things, so you can sandwich the criticism between them.

I don't know if I would call the principal though. I'd wait a week, then call the teacher and explain that you've spoken to dd about listening better. Then tell her what you told us. Let her know that if it was such a big problem she should have been in touch earlier, how easy it is to fix this if you work together, and how you hope she sees all the good in your dd besides for this issue. I wouldn't sugarcoat it, just be up front and forward. If you won't advocate for your child no one will.

asp40

Sat, Nov 15 2014, 11:46 pm

I have had conferences like this one. It is horrible. Yes, I have a child who is difficult to handle, but smart. Those teachers only focused on the negative and seemed not to care at all about hater or not he was learning. Hang in there - and mention it to the principal.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 2:29 am

Ugh, how awful and frustrating for you!

It sounds to me like the teacher is the one with the listening problem, as she clearly wasn't hearing you at all. Mad

It makes me wonder what she would do with a child who was diagnosed with auditory processing disorder. Just label them as a bad kid? (I'm going through this with my DD right now, so your post really hit a nerve with me.)

DrMom

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 3:32 am

Perhaps you can write her a letter/email (cc the principal) in which you request that this teacher commit to communicating with you on a regular basis about your DD's behavior as problems arise (as opposed to waiting until the parent-teacher conference).

You can say, "we understand that you have found issues with our daughter's attention in class, and we appreciate you bringing this to our attention. We of course want o keep on top of any issues, so we'd like to ask you to alert us on a daily basis as problems arise, and to suggest a path forward to improve DD's behavior. Please let us know what pedagogical steps you plan to take to make the necessary changes." Or something like that.

ValleyMom

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 5:40 pm

I just had to validate your frustration.

I am hoping this is a brand new super young inexperienced teacher and not someone who has been in the classroom torturing hundreds of innocent children and parents.

How to run a parent teacher conference is a learned art.

Parent Teacher Conference is is a time for Teacher and Parent to discuss, reflect and focus on the child's school life. This is the time to create a DIALOGUE where teacher and parent(s) share about the child's transition and adjustment to his/her grade. The focus SHOULD be on the social and emotional development and work habits, acknowledging the impact of this, on all aspects of the curriculum. Teacher and parents should SHARE, talk, learn and GAIN INSIGHTS. There should be some laughter as we share anecdotal stories. The conference should end with a clearer understanding of the child and a PLAN of ACTION that are MUTUALLY agreed upon; seeing how we can help the child in their growth and development.

The conference is not the time to lay blame, or point fingers... it is about problem solving.

I strongly urge you to share your feelings with the principal so this teacher can be redirected on how to best utilize the 15 precious minutes of conference time.

PS
This is one of my #1 workshops I present for various schools and faculty.

octopus

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 7:36 pm

gotta chime in as well. totally inappropriate on teacher's part. pta is stupid in general. you get like two minutes and you have to sometimes wait hours. with all the technology these days...can't they just set up a Skype call????

notme

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 7:36 pm

Even if she asked you what has worked at home so she could try the same thing in class that would be acceptable. It sounds like she is very inexperienced or did not get proper training!

imasinger

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 8:55 pm

For your DD's sake, I hope you will step up and do what the teacher should have done.

Request a meeting time that is longer than 15 minutes to brainstorm strategies.

Ask that a learning specialist be either present at the meeting, or available to receive your notes from the meeting.

At the meeting, plan for followup communication about the issues.

Make sure the teacher knows that you sympathize with her frustration and want to help. But also, follow up on your DH's comment to help the teacher notes (in her own mind as much as anything) your DD's many strengths.

While it is annoying to hear your child be criticized nonstop at a p-t meeting, it is worse to be that child, and know that the teacher dislikes you.

dr. pepper

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 9:07 pm

Oh my. How awful OP!

And the irony that you sounds like such in tune and self aware parents who are totally willing to partner with the school and recognize what your child's challenges may be.

Unfortunately, common sense is not very common.

I think you should definitely tell the principal your issues with how the PTA meeting went down. And definitely reschedule a real meeting with a clear understanding from the principal that she will be directing/coaching this teacher to come to the meeting prepared with positive things to recognize about the student and brainstorm on real issues and solutions.

Sheesh. I really hope she's young and dumb. At least there would be something to blame this idiocy on. Heaven save us if this is an "experienced" teacher. (As a shout out to all first time teachers...thanks God I never had this experience. I don't mean to bash all first time teachers.)

Best of luck. You sound like a great mom (and DH for that matter. Loved his parting line Very Happy

)

amother

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 10:30 pm

Op here. She's been teaching at least 20 years.

rachelbg

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 10:50 pm

20 years?! Appalling. Sounds like either no one has complained before, or she just sticks to her guns and does things her way regardless.

I feel uncomfortable thinking about how she might treat/regard the students in class if this is how she's speaking about them to the parents...

SRS

Sun, Nov 16 2014, 10:58 pm

Once you get over the unprofessional-ism and overall negativity from the conference, what is the game plan? Does she have the ability to educate your child? Does the school have the ability to education your child? I think that is the question you need to focus on with the principal because, in my experience of hearing other parents out, if the negativity as opposed to collaboration towards a child is there, it is often indicative of the school's own inability in the area of educating outside the box.

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