Dh "has to" divorce DW who had an affair?

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 4:23 pm

True Story
This just happened yesterday.
A Rabbi called my DH for advice on how to deal with a case.

Couple A and Couple B

DHA is very depressed for a long time, and has not been intimate with DWA in a long time.
DWA feels neglected and has an affair with DHB
DWB finds out and is ok with the fact that at least it's a Jewish woman.
DHB goes to Uman for RH, gets inspired to do teshuva.
DHB texts DWA saying that he has done teshuva and no longer wants to have a relationship with her.
DWA wants to do teshuva also.
So she calls the Rabbi, not my DH, and asks:
1. Can a woman do tikun klali
2. Oh, by the way I had an affair, do I have to tell my husband
3. Is tikun klali enough of a tikun or does she have to do more

I kid you not. I could not make up such a rediculous story.

amother

Silver

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 4:41 pm

amother wrote:

No comment on whether I would or wouldnt stay with a cheating spouse (I don't think any of us can truly know unless were in that situation) but I can't imagine being more/less OK with it because the affair partner is Jewish.

imasoftov

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 5:41 pm

Iymnok wrote:

Assur l'boel, assur l'baal.

As we are discussing a woman, the word is assurah.

In Mishna Sotah 5:1 "כשם שאסורה לבעל כך אסורה לבועל"

http://www.mechon-mamre.org/b/l/l3505.htm

harriet wrote:

why?

The above link is the source for the law that a woman who commits adultery is forbidden to both her husband and lover.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 6:00 pm

amother wrote:

I'm with a "mentally ill" cheating spouse. For now. I feel like if it was medical illness no one would question why I'm staying so why shouldn't this be the same? It would make no difference to me btw if woman was Jewish. Initially he was looking for Jewish woman because he felt safer that way but didn't find any. I'd probably felt safer had it been an affair with a Jewish woman than hook ups with harlots but an affair would be so much worse on so many other levels. Another reason I stay is because I felt like I had a wonderful marriage before. I read about cheating on here and sa too but never suspected my husband for a second even when I found stuff on his computer. It's hard to say he treated me well when he cheated on me but aside from that he did. I don't know where life will bring me but maybe that is some of the answers to the questions people are asking.

Jeanette

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 6:14 pm

amother wrote:

What qualifications does your husband have to advise the rav on this issue? And why is he sharing the details with you?

zaq

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 6:47 pm

harriet wrote:

why?

why? because that's the halacha. Forbidden to her lover because a criminal is not allowed to profit from his crime. (Murder your parents and inherit their estate? Guess again.) Forbidden to her husband because she is defiled by virtue of her sin. No, that can't be right--by virtue of a sin? A contradiction in terms. Be that as it may, that's the halacha. It's rather a light penalty considering the gravity of the offense. Nobody is forcing her to wear a scarlet A on her bosom, and adultery is, after all, one of the Big Ten.

If you are asking for practical reasons and not simply because you're fascinated by the topic, ask a halachic authority competent in these matters, rather than make any assumptions based on reading or consulting Rabbi Imamother. In most cases when lay people think they know the halacha, what they know is a great oversimplification.

zaq

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 6:52 pm

amother wrote:

(Though why he would fight for a heter to hold on to a mentally ill cheater is beyond me).

Because he loves her, feels sorry for her and understands that her cheating is a function of her illness and not something she does to hurt him?Because he is committed to her unconditionally and believes that "in sickness and in health" --not that we make such vows, but we do sort of believe in them when we commit ourselves to each other--is not limited to physical health?

sequoia

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 7:00 pm

I can't imagine how it applies today. It's a private matter; if the dh forgives her and wants to stay married to her, he can just not tell anyone. Would two people who mutually want to work it out and preserve their family get divorced because someone told them to?

zaq

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 7:55 pm

sequoia wrote:

Would two people who mutually want to work it out and preserve their family get divorced because someone told them to?

Would two people who mutually don't want any more children (now or ever) continue to have children because "somebody" told them to?

happy to be me

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 8:35 pm

amother wrote:

I find it disturbing that you are publicizing something that is so clearly sensitive/classified information.

pause

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 8:57 pm

zaq wrote:

It's actually also one of the Big Three for which a Jew should rather be killed than commit.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 11:29 pm

zaq wrote:

On the risk of being bashed:

Ive been diagnosed as a SA (an addict) and am in intense recovery. It's one of the hardest things I've ever gone though in my life.
Why is my husband staying with me? I've asked him (and myself) this question over and over.
Thank you zaq for putting it together in words so perfectly. You are exactly right.
And this sort of addiction is no different than an alcohol addiction, drug addiction, etc etc.
With the proper help and willpower, addicts can and do recover to lead wonderful and meaningful lives.

amother

Gray

Mon, Oct 12 2015, 11:49 pm

cnc wrote:

Isn't it two men and a warning?
Eidim v'hasraah

I was talking about this to my DH and he said that there are certain things that a woman can be an eid for. For example, when she tells her DH that she went to mikvah, he does not need 2 male witnesses to verify.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 12:19 am

amother wrote:

How is this addiction different halachically? Did the fact that your an addict mean you didn't have control and therefore no need for divorce? Just curious because my husband is a sa and the double standards is one of the things I have a hard time with (thinking he'd be forced to divorce me if the tables were turned).

Also, no pressure but if you are willing to share from the viewpoint of the addict that would be awesome. I'm having a hard time hearing it from my husband because he violated me and my support groups are made up of spouses only and not addicts. Would love to hear it from the other side. Only if you are comfortable obviously. And I apologize if this makes you uncomfortable. That was not my intention at all.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 12:37 am

amother wrote:

Not bashing, but please stop comparing SA to other addictions. It's more different than it is similar. Especially the pain and personal betrayal factor.

What does halacha say about your situation? I, too struggled with resentment over the double standard in halacha over the issue of cheating. Hearing more about it might really help.

Signed,

A wife of an everything addict

naturalmom5

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 12:51 am

imasoftov wrote:

The above link is the source for the law that a woman who commits adultery is forbidden to both her husband and lover.

Reb Moshe has over 6 tshuvas on this subject
I suggest you learn them in depth before
Plopelling