Recommendations/ Advice- Im a poor parent

amother

Plum

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 5:38 pm

I would appreciate others opinions or advice.

I feel like Im just not cut out to be a good mother. I really love my children but I get very overwhelmed with the constant mess and fighting and being busy. Im just the type of person who needs down time. Since my 3rd was born 2 years ago, I just feel like I want to run away. Ive tried cutting down on my work schedule, getting more cleaning help (hasnt really happened), working on being calm and present with my kids - but I always feel like I just want them to go to bed so I can straighten up and have quiet. To make matters worse, I tend to yell a lot when Im overwhelmed ( my house growing up was like that- any time it was tense everyone yelled and cried etc.) I feel like I just don't have it in me to give my kids love and patience Sad

If I don't yell- I just go into my room, or on the couch, and read or look at my phone to zone out because I just feel totally overwhelmed.

I dont know what to do at this point. I desperately want to be able to be a good parent- Ive taken parenting classes and all but Im not a consistent disciplined person and it just doesnt end up lasting.

What should I do? Can therapy help me deal with stress appropriately? Can someone recommend someone in Brooklyn? Any other ideas?

amother

Mauve

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 5:56 pm

Are you me? I could have written that word for word...
Dina Friedman helped me a lot. I mean a ton. Like a life saver type of thing. I still yell plenty and am always looking for quiet but having a certain outlook and knowledge helped me tremendously.
Little things that helped me was to set up alarms. I have phone reminders for everything. And my kids became part of it. 5:45 is cleaning up toy time. 6 get ready for bath/wash up etc etc etc. It helps me stay focused AND I feel more on top of the time. Which I so look forward to to have for myself.

I don't know about therapy. It costs a fortune, tales up too much time for me and quite frankly, never clicked with me. I made it my business to take my (expensive) parenting lessons seriously (by alarm reminders of course Wink

) and got a friend to work along as partners. I listen to her daily, even when the track is totally not applicable and even at times when I can't hear my own voice. Just tuning in shocks my brain waves to remind me the important stuff she talks about and I'm able to focus better.

One last word of advice... When you do have quiet alone time try to do something that makes you feel good. Read a novel. Take a long shower or a bath. Give yourself an in home Mani/pedi. Drink a tea at your door for fresh air or just sit out (if that's possible).
Just getting on your phone cruising the net or locking yourself away when your kids are still up won't fulfill that something you are subscribed consciously craving. I know some of my suggestions sound far fetched but in reality they're not so. A mother always puts her children first. But if you don't nurture your needs how do you expect to have any extra nerves to nurture little creatures?

Wink

You're a good mom. Give yourself a pat on your back and just make it your business to step up to your own self. You can do it. I know you can, cuz if I could, you could too!

amother

Seashell

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 6:33 pm

amother wrote:

Hi. You're me, I think, and I only have two kids. You love your kids and are doing the best you can. It's hard. Let them watch a video on an iPad when it gets too crazy or when you need to straighten up. Hugs. Hang in there, mom, the fact that you even posted this means you're probably doing better than you think with this whole mommy gig. Smile

amother

Mauve

Wed, Oct 14 2015, 9:11 am

Sorry for the late response.

Here's how I set it up. It took me a month to get it part of our routine but in no way should you think that my house is a museum nor does it ever always run on exact time. A normal day looks like a tornado hit my house and I'm far from organized. I am borderline ADHD and getting things done in a timely manner is my weak spot and is quite a challenge. Having alarms is a great way to shake me back on my tracks since I derail with any little distraction. Know what I mean?

So it starts in the morning. My first alarm goes off at 7:15. Who am I kidding? I'm usually up and out of bed by then anyway BUT, the ringer is like a mental note. If I haven't yet served breakfast it means I better collect myself and put together food.
Next alarm is at 8. If I forgot to prepare clothes for kids at designated spot*, it's a reminder to get clothes set and get into dressing mode and start running morning chores/routine.
8:30 is reminder that I must be dressed and first kid to go off to school better finish up getting ready.
8:50 is 5 minutes left to bus time. Which means get your school bag and head to door. (Usually last minute chaos..)
9:15 next kid needs to be almost ready
9:35 bus time again
Etc etc
2 pm alarm, if I haven't yet prepared or figured out supper, I do it then. If I don't have supplies / ingredients (like when I don't get to do grocery order) I quickly prepare sandwiches cereal whatever.
Then 15 minutes before first kid comes home is another ringer.
Are you getting the picture?
5:45 is a kiddie ringer (a kids song or a recording from a kid) .
It doesn't always mean that we start cleaning away toys or that we start bedtime routine 6:15. It just means that we should be heading there.
Some days all kids are asleep at 7:15 other days I'm still scrambling on legos at 7 and just put kids to sleep without them packing away the toys.

With little kids it's all about routine AND attitude. I won't say consistency because it's impossible for me personally to do the exact same thing the exact same time every single day.
It's also about how you want to live. I could live every day over the stress of having a bunch of little kids. I could live every day all day and be angry why my birth control failed. I could live all day and complain about all the things that don't go the way I originally PLANNED it to go and of course it didn't. I could let the stress of being on a tight budget get the best of me but I choose to live plain. I choose to get through the day in survival mode. I choose to just do things and get it done at the pace my kids allow it to be done. I learned not to crack under pressure if I leave a sink full of dishes and go to bed anyway. I learned how to serve in disposable dishes and I learned that pajamas don't need to be ironed. And most of all I learned that my kids will rather remember the times I played with them and was available. They won't remember if their shirts were starched or if the floor was sparkling. They will remember a mother that welcomed them home with food (regardless WHAT food) and time to look at them.
I had a hard time adjusting to the fact that absolutely no housework gets done or looked at from 3-7 pm. I just leave everything the way it is. Trust me, the work doesn't do itself. It always waits for me patiently Wink

Another thing that helped me a lot is a list. Not lists, A list. One big one. Little ones get lost. I have one huge sheet on my kitchen wall and anything and everything that needs to get done is on there. You could do find things like squash, pencils for school, call the doctor, orange juice and pick up pajamas from floor all next to each other. I don't organize the list because it takes too much time. If I go out to the grocery I take the pad I keep in the stroller and jot down everything from my paper that can be found in the grocery.
If I make an hour to go out to do errands, again I take my stroller pad and jot down whatever's on the list and cross it off the big list only when I come home and it's done.
I change list papers only when there's not one more space to write anything more on there. (And or when more than 3/4 of those stuff are done).
And no I don't care if a neighbor or friend or family member walks into my kitchen and sees how I live. If they don't need to keep 'pick up pajamas from floor' on a list to get them thru their day, good for them. This is my life. This is how I cope.

But don't think I'm a saint. There are way too many moments where I cringe when kids pull at my skirt. I get a headache when everyone talks at once and demands to be listened to right then. I almost have a breakdown when the questions (why isn't the sky green or why is it cold when I open the fridge door etc etc) start and no answer is good enough. My brain needs quiet, my kids need stimulation. So some nights, even if I was successful in the kids department, you can find me stretched out on the floor unable to move. No kidding whatsoever..
How I get up and clean away the rest or do laundry etc,? I don't know. There were plenty times dh woke me and dragged me into bed. (Yeah I can fall asleep on a hard floor from exhaustion..) And there are other times when I put on music (NOT uncle moishy) on blast and get my act together. And keep telling myself that in 30 years from now I'll look back and laugh...

amother

Mauve

Wed, Oct 14 2015, 9:23 am

Dina's course comes with 3 MP3's, a handbook and a phone number to call to listen to recorded sessions.
I hate be on the phone and the CD player is usually busy with a kids xd so I put the mp3's on a sensa (sp?) Mp3 player thing. I keep it in my pocket and hand the earphones around my neck.

When I feel like I'm going to explode and yell A) I sometimes do. BUT I make it my business to drink something and get back. I always always apologize to my kids for yelling.
Or B) I make a grand announcement. Hey if this or that doesn't stop immediately I am going to yell. Over time this warning has taught me how to go back to cool land and normally stops the chaos of whatever fight etc that's happening at the moment.
It didn't happen overnight by the way. It was a huge learning curve. I will not say my kids are the best behaved or that they never fight or do crazy things, but Dina helped me learn how to have a direct language/connection with each child. I now know how to identify each child's weak points, triggers and so on. I now know how each child is best addressed according to what they need. I talk to them in a different way (different as in how I used to).
So while I may get overwhelmed or frazzled or angry or annoyed, I have the knowledge and the tools to get myself moving ahead.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Oct 14 2015, 9:43 am

amother wrote:

Did you have help learning how to make a routine and list? Or was it trial and error?
I have similar difficulties (ADHD type but with other complicating factors) and feel like I don't have a clue how to do this. I try but never succeed. Still trying, alarms are a great idea but I think even if I set them up properly I would a) forget to put alarms for certain important things and b) leave my phone somewhere stupid and not hear the alarms. Or put it on silent during a funeral or wedding or something and never turn it back on. You get the idea. I'm feeling a little extra hopeless right now because I'm having a hard time getting back on my feet since yomtov plus the new school year, different schedules for everyone, and I feel like my brain is AWOL. One of my kids was on antibiotics the last 10 days and I think they got maybe 3 doses on time despite my best intentions and constant guilt-fest about creating antibiotic-resistant germs.

nyer1

Wed, Oct 14 2015, 9:49 am

OP, u didn't write anything in your post that would leave me to think you're a bad parent.

do you love your children? do you want the best for them? do you try your hardest to keep them safe an healthy?
if you answered yes to all of these, the makes you a good parent.

I'm home w/ my 2 kids for the first time as a SAHM, and I'm learning so much. I'm learning how to be more patient, I'm learning to realize I can't expect much. I'm learning that at the end of the day, as hard as I try and as hard as I can try to entertain them and keep them both stimulated etc etc etc, they just want to be loved. they just want to feel secure. a few hugs throughout the day really helps us a lot. do I get impatient? do I get frustrated when my 3 year old doesn't want to listen? of course. am I a bad parent if I tell him he needs to give mommy a few minutes to rest while he plays? of course not. a few minutes to reacharge and then I'm back on the floor playing with him. I don't leave him by himself or in an unsafe situation, I simply lay on the couch next to where he's playing, just for a few minutes.
and when things need to get done around the house, he LOVES to "help" me. does it make an extra mess? sure. do I really need him to "help" me make dinner? no.. but does it keep him occupied? does it make him feel like we are spending quality time together? sure. so it's great.

being a jewish mother isn't easy. it's NORMAL to feel frustrated and doubt yourself sometimes. but expect less, love more, and you'll all be okay. I'm sure of it.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Oct 14 2015, 11:19 am

amother wrote:

I was always a list maker but couldn't handle my organization skills or lack thereof. I had a list for the grocery a list for this and that. I kept losing them or misplacing or forgetting that I already have such a type of list.
Now Dina doesnt quite talk about lists but there's much I learned about living a certain way and yes with trial and error I came up with this. She does talk about charts, which I do to with my kids (not rewards charts) and somehow the idea came together.
Before I started using my cell phone for alarm ringers I had 3 little alarm clocks, one in the kitchen another in the living/main playing family area and another one next to the bedrooms. Once it grew onto everyone here (including dh) I got rid of them and went with my phone. Simply having ONE device/alarm works better for my fried brain. But it doesn't necessarily have to be so. Everyone needs to find what works best for them.
I think this may sound crazy but I have a pack of neon post it notes. Any time a kid needs meds or when a teacher sends a note to send something to school etc I right away copy the info on a neon post it and stick it on the fridge, bedroom door and on the exit door..
You see. I try. If I fail or forget at least I know I tried.