Attend wedding, bring no gift/check-- why is this ok?

RPESN

Sun, Dec 12 2010, 6:24 pm

I guess I'm really really Naïve. I'd always thought people invite you to their Simchos because they want you to share it with them!! I can't even afford babysitters and have to call and call relatives and nice girls to find someone to do it for a chessed. I try hard to get a lift because I can't afford a taxi to get there. Presents??!! I'll give my time-I'll give my opinions to whoever is at my table Wink

, and I'll keep the dancing going and change the dances when it gets too stale etc. That's my contribution. At my Chassuna, we (parents) only invited 120 people, (and it was a gemach chassuna) because we couldn't afford more. Not all the invitees who said they'd come came. Not that many gave gifts. The ikkur was our family friends were joining my special day.
I do still feel a bit bad that I don't bring a gift, but either I'll apologise, or I'll just give my all to the Simcha. be"H one day when our ship comes in, the gifts will start too...

Marion

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 1:30 am

freidasima wrote:

Are they anglos? If so you can get away with it. If they are Israeli born and bred (or just bred) I don't think it would go over so well unless they are charedi possibly.

He's a Brit[on]. Her family are Tunisaim.

(In the end the driving weather was horrific. I still haven't gotten physically close enough to properly be introduced to her, and the only reason I know who her mother is, is because of the discussions going on at the chuppah.)

zipporah

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 2:29 am

RPESN wrote:

To sum up dozens of pages (according to my understanding): Everybody thinks gifts are a nice idea. Close family and friends in dire economic circumstances will be excused for being unable to contribute.

Sefardim and Israelis in urban areas expect checks (at least the amount of the cost of the dinner) if you are going to attend and the checks will be given towards helping the new couple, either directly or by helping the parents pay for the wedding and thereby allowing the parents to give to the couple. Hopefully, if you don't do this and are not part of the chevra, you will be forgiven for your ignorance.

Charedim, Americans, and many Israelis in yishuvs and more rural areas appreciate whatever you can do.

I don't know about the other countries.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 9:31 am

I believe that the best way to test a hypotheses is to test the extremes or boundaries. So here we go.

Assumptions:

(1)Parents are middle class people where the cost of the wedding is considerable by their standards.
(2)Couple basically have no money since they were in school and never really had a chance to build up any significant savings and in fact are carrying considerable amount of student loans.
(3)Because of the circle that they live in and other social expectations have a what would be a typical wedding of 400 people, nothing crazy but withing expectations so we are looking at, say, $20,000 for the whole show.
(4)Parents foot entire bill and all gifts/checks received go to the couple to start them off in life.

Outcome:
Everyone comes, has a grand old time and "NO ONE" gives a check or gift.

Question:
Is there something wrong with this picture? By that I don't mean can this scenario happen or to micromanage individual guests as to their financial viability but the test of the assumption and expectation of giving a gift for the couple if you are invited "and accept the invitation" (not to "reimburse" the parents who are footing the bill).

amother

Yellow

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 4:39 pm

Rutabaga wrote:

Why revive a 5 year old thread?

Found this thread via Google search so I did not look at dates. Too many pages in this topic to read through and from what I read it didn't look like a conclusion or consensus was reached. Too many people were focusing on the ONE person who decides not to give a dime and needed validation of their choice. I tried to look at the big picture.

nechamashifra

Sun, Jan 03 2016, 1:59 pm

I will never understand this mentality. If I make a Simcha, I am so grateful that people show up to join in my simcha with me. I do NOT in any way view them coming to my simcha as me doing a favour to them. If anything, they are doing a favour to me (getting dressed up, taking time out of their day to come, getting a babysitter etc etc) Their attendance at my simcha means they went out of their way for me. Feeding people at your simcha is NOT something the guests have to pay for. If they want to pay for a nice meal, believe me they would go to a nice restaurant where they can sit with their spouse and enjoy their paid for and chosen meal. If you make a simcha, it's not a business deal and you should definitely not calculate how much money/gifts you will be receiving for how much you are putting down. People have gone out of their way to attend YOUR simcha and you should be thanking them just for coming (whether bearing a gift or not). How rude!

PS I always bring gifts to simchas but I do so because I want to show my hosts how happy I am for them, NOT because I think I need to pay for my seat.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Jan 03 2016, 3:24 pm

Would love to see someone (not uber-rich) enclose the following message with their wedding invitation.

"No gifts will be accepted, if you feel the need to bring something, there will be receptacles at the simcha for some worthwhile charities where your gift may be deposited."

I am sure the chasan and kallah will be tickled pink!

Its called putting your money where your mouth is Smile