Support on Forum | Imamother

Starhavah

Fri, Jan 08 2016, 4:25 am

Hi,

I just wanted to point something out. From 1997-2001 I lived in Israel and had my daughter here. But I had a very small group of friends and was never able to make more friends. I always felt like an outsider. The lack of community was really wearing on me. Anyway, in 2001 for some personal reasons I needed to come back to the states and wound up staying 14 years (not part of the plan!). Back as early as 2010 I was talking about coming back to Israel on ImAMother.com. Anyway, because I was scared I would feel ostracized again I had a hard time committing and asked (a few times) about people's experiences with going for a year and then staying on. One woman on this forum (I no longer remember who) posted that people should not respond to me that I was clearly not serious about living in Israel and really dismissed my desire and fear as meaningless. I was incredibly hurt by her response and the fact that no one told her to cut it out. I stopped posting and eventually left ImAMother over this. I want to say that I am back in Israel now (we came back in Aug 2015) and are planning on staying. We are having a much easier time making friends this time, all of us except my daughter (but some of that is because she is shy). People reached out to us when we moved here and we are back in connection with old friends.

However, I have a friend from the states who has been living here for a year and a half and is now planning on returning to the states because she feels a lack of community. I include this woman in everything I can, but it is not enough. One friend does not a community make.

How can we as an ImAMother community be more supportive of each other and as Anglos in Israel help make community for those who are out of the mainstream, older but not elderly, single by choice, single parents even religious gays.

Star Havah
PS To that woman who responded to me like that 5 years ago, I stick my tongue out at you. I am here and loving it despite your lack of support!

grace413

Fri, Jan 08 2016, 6:07 am

Glad that you are back in Israel and feel happy about it.

Feel free to join the Life in Israeli forum.

Sorry that somebody here was rude to you. I do frequently mention to people that I feel aliyah is more successful with a "we are coming and staying" attitude than with a "let's go for a year and see" attitude but I would never have told anybody to not respond.

Re your friend, I can understand that it is sometimes hard to find a new community here, especially if one is older. Can't really think of any advice. Does she work? Does she have hobbies? Is she in Jerusalem or elsewhere. In Jerusalem AACI has a lot of activities which are geared to "older" people. The OU center also have a lot of activities.

If you can offer and specifics, I'll see if I can come up with any ideas.

m in Israel

Fri, Jan 08 2016, 6:22 am

Another vote for joining the Life in Israel forum.

I'm sorry someone was so rude to you. Even in the worse case scenario and they thought you were some sort of troll, they should have simply reported your post, not embarrassed you on the thread.

In any case, welcome back.

As far as "making a community", well, Israel is a very big place. There are some places that are extremely "community like" (think of small yishuvim), some places that are kind of in between, and some places that are very "big city"ish. I think that often when people feel they have no community, it may mean they are living in the wrong location for what they need -- maybe the wrong age group, or the wrong "religious" flavor, etc. Someone who is very Chassidish is not likely to feel a part of a strong Chardal community, no matter how welcoming and friendly they attempt to be -- the lifestyles will just be too divergent. And obviously vice versa. Similarly if your kids are in preschool and all your neighbors are comparing notes on how to deal with their children in law, you just won't feel a part of things. Of course I am not suggesting that singles shouldn't move into a neighborhood of mostly married couples -- but if you are the only single person in the whole neighborhood, you hopefully will get lots of Shabbos invitations but may not find that you really feel a part of daily life in many ways. I think it is extremely important for new olim to really work on finding the location that fits you best.

Starhavah

Mon, Jan 11 2016, 6:48 am

grace413 wrote:

Glad that you are back in Israel and feel happy about it.

Feel free to join the Life in Israeli forum.

Already did. thanks, though :-)

grace413 wrote:

Sorry that somebody here was rude to you. I do frequently mention to people that I feel aliyah is more successful with a "we are coming and staying" attitude than with a "let's go for a year and see" attitude but I would never have told anybody to not respond.

I can understand that for most people it is better to come with the idea "I'm going to make this work" vs "let's see how it goes", but not everyone is in that category. But what really upset me about this woman's reply was that she told everyone I wasn't serious and they should ignore my calls for help reducing my fears.

grace413 wrote:

Re your friend, I can understand that it is sometimes hard to find a new community here, especially if one is older. Can't really think of any advice. Does she work? Does she have hobbies? Is she in Jerusalem or elsewhere. In Jerusalem AACI has a lot of activities which are geared to "older" people. The OU center also have a lot of activities.

She is in her mid 60's but not frail so she feels that too many people at AACI are too elderly for her. Although, I know a lot of them are not. She is gay which puts her in a minority place, but she would be comfortable hanging out with straight women in their mid 60's who are widowed, divorced or otherwise single. And she is a Conservative Rabbi. She spends a lot of time learning Talmud over at the Conservative Yeshiva. Everyone she sees there is in their 20s or 30s. Which makes it doubly isolating one because no one is her age and two because in Jerusalem the Conservative/Masorti community is very small.

grace413 wrote:

If you can offer and specifics, I'll see if I can come up with any ideas.

Thanks. It is too late for her. The best we can hope for is that she will return. Her grandson is 11.5 and lives in the states. She wants to be able to see him more than once a year.

Star Havah