What do wives do on Purim?

Rose816

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 7:21 am

BH, it's our first Purim together, and that being said...I'm a bit clueless on what I should/shouldn't expect/plan for for Purim. As a single girl, I would hear the Megilla, deliver packages with my family and have a seuda. In sem, there was that and a chagiga. Now what?

I know DH would ideally like to spend Purim with his yeshiva..which I'm totally fine with because I know it means a lot to him..but what do I do? Is there a shindig for the wives?

Rose816

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 8:05 am

Oh, of course I would still go to shul and hear Megillah! I apologize for not clarifying that if that wasn't clear.

I just was curious about husband/wife dynamics during the day. Like, would a husband go to yeshiva and they meet up later that night? Do they do shalach manot deliveries together? Seuda together? I just have no idea.

And no baby yet!

tovli toraspicha

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 8:18 am

I'm sure everyone's different in terms of how they plan to spend the day.
For sure you should sit down and plan with your husband- you can discuss both your expectations for the day. Where will you have purim seudah, where to daven and hear megillah, how/when you want to deliver mishloach manos, if either of you want to attend a chagiga, visit rebbeim /teachers/friends /families, etc. I would say don't assume anything till you talk about it. and let him know what things you would like to do too.
I found Purim married to a yeshiva bachur (who BH BH does not get drunk) and before I had kids over the age of 2 to be so different and not really what I was used to or expected. Mind you once I had kids, hearing megillah became trickier and scheduling became a bigger concern...

tovli toraspicha

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 8:24 am

For example my husband goes to his yeshiva's chagigah on Purim night, and I usually stay home. But we spend most of purim day together (although first have to switch off going to shul because we have children). My husband is not the rarara purim type so sometimes I take the kids out more to deliver mishloach manos, see friends and people dancing in the streets and so far we always spend a part of the day and seudah with family who do not live in our neighborhood.

busydev

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 9:27 am

We delivered mm together. Here the yeshiva party Purim afternoon and into the night definitely does have women in attendance. We don't join for the seuda but go after for the dancing. But there are people that go for the seuda so I'd find out what his yeshiva does.
At night when dh is out I usually put together the mm. He helps when he gets back if needed. We also have a small seuda (aka nice supper with washing) after we've both heard megilla at night.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 10:52 am

My husband spends most of his Purim in shul, saying tehillim, learning etc.. and I'm not trying to come across as a rebetzin, but I typically do the same at home. It is such a special day, I don't want to miss out on the opportunities. Yes, I have a large family k"h and this is all between megilah, seudas and shalach manos delivery.

amother

Lime

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:05 am

Make sure that whatever you decide to do on Purim will have something positive for you too.

I hate Purim because it's so hectic between running around to all the grandparents and inlaws. At the same time it is so boring because as a woman in my community all I get to do (besides the hard work) is watch from the sidelines.

Rutabaga

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 12:33 pm

We take turns going to megillah because we have young children. Purim night our shul has a chagigah. Sometimes DH goes and sometimes he stays home and helps with m"m or seuda prep. Purim morning we take turns with megillah again and then deliver the local m"m. We have lunch and take our oldest to her morah and then pack up and head further out for more m"m deliveries and the seuda (always at family - last year my in laws came to my parents so we had the best of both worlds!).

DH only drinks some wine at the seuda - enough that I'm the designated driver for the ride home but he never gets drunk.

watergirl

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 1:12 pm

OP - are you just assuming that this is what your DH is planning on doing, or is this from a discussion that you've had with him? Is he planning on going to his yeshiva only at night, or for the night and the entire purim day? Your post is almost too general, and its hard to really give good feedback unless you get a bit more specific.

Also, its helpful if you tell us what type of community you are coming from. If you were in Chicago and are asking where you would be if he was in yeshiva, the answer would be right there with him. If you are in Lakewood, its a different answer (which I don't know).

Its also helpful to know if you have family near by who plan on you coming to them.

IMHO, there are already so many chaggim that are mainly a guy's thing, and Purim actually has "stuff" for us to do as well. I feel that if we are constantly missing out of the more enjoyable aspects of yiddishkeit, it grows into resentment. Also, I obviously have no idea what your family planning entails, but for all you know, this may be the first and last married Purim that you can experience with out kids underfoot.

I think its time to discuss with DH what he would like - but FIRST, have a long, hard think about what you would like as well.

I will say this, however - no matter what community you are from, it is not appropriate for a husband to go and enjoy a whole chag and leave his wife to fend for herself (with the exception of when the wife is in agreement regarding going to a rebbe for YT, but thats a whole other thread).

ohmygosh

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 1:22 pm

Your DH is married now, so he can't act like a single bochur and spend the whole time with his yeshiva. You have to work out a healthy balance together so he can have some time with his yeshiva and some time with his wife so you can enjoy the yom tov together.

wiki

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 2:18 pm

If your DH does go to a chagiga in yeshiva, at least it will be Purim and you will probably still have plenty to do in stuffing shalach manos parts into the bags, or managing the arriving packages the next day. So if you do have down-time, enjoy it--that can be so hard to find on Purim!

mazal555

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 6:16 pm

We go together to hear the reading in the Bet Kensset. Then in the morning he goes by himself early and then we deliver together or if it's too slow like that (little kids) he does some by himself. Then we go to seuda together to another relative, wherever all the relatives are gathering for seuda together. However, we are not yeshivish so I don't know what yeshivish do.

eschaya

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 9:11 pm

Our first purim married we tried to do the yeshiva thing... and I hated it and felt so left out, like a 5th wheel. We ate the seuda at dhs rebbe (lots of men and bochurim singing in the dining, a few women who didn't know each other and sem girls staring at our plates in the kitchen ) and then the men traipsed off to yeshiva for dancing and a mesiba, and I sadly walked home alone carefully avoiding the drunken men. After that we vowed never again, and I have made the purim seuda every year since then, inviting tons of guests who I know and want to have. Dh and I plan themes and mm together, do a themed seuda to match our mm and costume, deliver mm together (though it's harder now with a few kids).
If yiu want to do the yeshiva thing go ahead, just keep in mind that you will have to find something else to focus on. Get some friends together and plan your own fun because typically the yeshiva type purim doesn't leave room for women in the picture. Forwarned is forearmed, plan ahead.

HonesttoGod

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 11:33 am

Before I got married, in the city where I grew up we had a blast over Purim. At night we would have a shul party after megillah (which was also a fun reading) and dress up and during the day after shul and breakfast we would hang out outside the house and just generally watch all the fun and happenings until the seudah which was never drunken but fun and exciting.
Then I moved to NYC and I find it so boring.

I hate drunk guys so I stay far away from anywhere that has those.

My husband isn't such a major party person and he doesn't get drunk so we usually spend the morning after he comes home from shul giving out MM. Because of the kids I stay home and my dh reads megillah to me both at night and in the AM. Also his shul have a very rigid boring reading not at all kid friendly which makes me sad.
For the meal we join my in laws where everyone comes and it gets noisy but by 7 pm we go home and put the kids to bed.
Like I said, boring but we try make it fun as we can.